What’s worse than being abused by a paedophile…your parents knowing.

There is no denying my mother and step father were complicit in abuse occurring to myself and my sisters.

My step fathers circle of sex abusers, which would have pretty obvious to my mother.

The reaction of my parents when I disclosed the abuse myself and my sister were enduring, was the exact opposite of normal parents. They were angry with me, blamed me for my sister being abused, told me shut up and never speak of it, never phone Childline. And my step father continued to speak to this paedophile friend of his.

I have still not processed my emotions about this. I’m having nightmares about it frequently.

I am still in a state of emotional distress that they set us up to be abused, knew it was happening. And I was obviously set up to be abused by another friend of my step fathers later on.

Makes me sick.

I loved my mother and now I want to hate her. I want to really fucking hate every fibre of her being.

She was/is a sick, sick woman.

Some people have evil in them.

It’s the only way to explain this level of abuse to your own children.

Rolf Harris – Guilty on all 12 counts. There are more victims.

Another convicted paedophile, that denies he did anything wrong, protests his innocence.

I hope he spends the rest of his natural life in prison, so he cannot ever have the opportunity to get his disgusting hands on another child.

There will be many more victims that have not come forward, too scared to.

There are probably 100’s of victims. Most paedophiles have over 100 victims and Harris has access to more children, than your average paedophile would.

Apparently, he was good friends with Jimmy Saville and they roamed Broadmoor Hospital together, unsupervised. Victims of Saville have said he abused people there and had sex with corpses.

Yes, these paedophiles, are that sick.

No they cannot be rehabilitated.

They need keeping from society, permanently.

They ruin lives. Steal innocence. People kill themselves over this kind of abuse.

Alone. Lonely. Such deep wounds to overcome.

You can’t be lonely, if you like the person you are alone with.

I’ve spend most of my life, feeling alone, lonely.

I still struggle with it, but less and less. I crave my own company now.

If I choose to see people, it is because I really want to, which is something I don’t want to do with most people.

It is my aim, to be completely comfortable alone, and not need anyone. I am on that journey.

I know I will never have the people in my life I have always wanted to fill the hole in my soul, where loving family were supposed to be. I know I have wanted and sought that all my life. I have wanted people to love me, people I can trust, people who care in the way I need and no-one can be that.

I accept I will never have family in the way I need, to fulfil my unmet childhood needs. It’s very painful and I am still processing and grieving it.

Now I wonder why all my posts about narcissistic church ministers, are suddenly popular.

I can see what people are reading, WordPress stats are great, they show every single post that has been viewed.

I know which ones are popular and get viewed a lot. And my memory retains this info.

But, when ones that are rarely read after I have written/posted them, and then start getting lots of views within a week, it attracts my attention and I wonder who is reading them.

Could just be someone looking up info about narcissism in ministry, after all it is more common than people realise.

Or is it someone specifically looking for my posts?

I would say the latter. As I can also see the wording people have used within the search facility and when the wording is almost exactly the title of the posts I have written, that says a lot.

Interesting.

I do have an unresolved situation regarding a narc pastor, who is a liar, manipulator, abuser, groomer.

I am considering legal action against this man to get the truth, which people don’t know, out and show how the in-house investigation into this wolf in sheep’s clothing, was bullshit. And the truth is always needed, to prevent more people being harmed, lied to etc.

I’m not afraid to tell the truth about myself. But many can’t face the truth about themselves.

It takes courage and inner strength to be honest about self.

I’ve always been someone who is openly me – I don’t hide my behaviours, my views. I have hidden my pain from my past, but I don’t hide who I am.

I’ve always been me. Openly.

I’m emotional, openly.

When I was a clubbing, party girl, who ‘hooked up’ with many men, I was open about it. I didn’t hide it.

I can apologise when I’m wrong and have remorse, openly.

I don’t live life with a mask to pretend to be something I am not.

I have faced many truths about myself that are not pretty. I know there are reasons – but I still don’t excuse them, I own them. I know the things I have done wrong, that were not okay, and I am not okay with what I did and I am open about that.

I have PTSD and everyone I know, knows that.

I am honest. I have courage. I am truthful.

But, so many people – who consider themselves ‘normal’ can’t be truthful, honest and look deep within at what is not okay. Instead they justify it, excuse it, or just plain refuse to acknowledge it.

I cry every time I see these pictures. I hate suffering.

I am sat with tears running down my face, because every time I think about all the suffering that goes on this world, it makes me sob. I hate that there are so many people, so many children suffering so badly.

85 people, own half the worlds wealth, yet 3/4’s of the world, are suffering.

This doesn’t surprise me, but I find it absolutely abhorrent, that 85 people hold half the worlds wealth..

While three quarters of the world suffer, through lack of sufficient food, housing, health, education etc.

A huge proportion of these being children.

I find human selfishness/greed utterly disgusting, I really do.

Taking a warm bath, when already have hives = very silly idea, duh!

I woke up this morning with anxiety, PTSD symptoms up, so I know it was nightmares, brain trying to process trauma etc. And I had hives immediately and they remained all day, but not many – just on my wrists.

They had pretty much gone by early evening.

So, I decided to take a bath, a nice warm bath, with bubbles, relax, good self care….

When I got out I could feel the tingling all up my arms and on my legs. Yup, the hives had spread all up my arms, on my legs, all up my neck and on my face.

And they itch like #$%&!!! :-O

Clearly heat, makes them worse and makes them spread.

A lot!!

So, this was not one of my finest moments of intellect lol!

Good job I now have anti-histamines.