To ‘wake up’ and not have enough support, is so cruel.

I know that I have ‘woken up’ – to the realities of life, spiritually, socially, psychologically.

I see all the crap peddled in society, how society does not realise how controlled they are, and yet believe they are free.

I see deeply into human behaviour, and I see so much that is not okay and so much harm caused as a result.

I know I am an empath, who feels and hurts deeply for others and having this, is not fun, it is actually painful.

I have woken to the reality of Christianity, how badly it fails and how much harm it causes, which most church people will either ignore, or reject.

I have woken up to realise how ego’s, apathy, narcissism are increasing in society rapidly, and how much harm this causes in the world.

I have woken up to seeing the world and all the suffering, starving people etc people enduring the kinds of pain, no-one should ever endure.

And I painfully hate it all.

I have woken up to the reality of my own life, my own past, and the severity and cruelty of it all.

And I have woken up to the acceptance that I have no emotional support, and that my life now is existing, not living, only in even more pain, because of all I have woken up and now understand.

It’s always the broken souls, that are trying to fix others.

It’s only the broken souls, that understand other broken souls.

I think just starting over, is best..back to segregating areas of my life.

There is no getting away from the fact, that in my situation, I do not have the level of emotional support I need. And whilst internet support is lovely and I appreciate it, it is not the same, as having someone who gives you hug, and someone you can talk with, who cares, loves you.

The emotional support you have, is really vital in this journey, because it depends on forming relationships, to heal the wounds of all the abusive relationships.

My husband, is great at all the practical aspects of life, but hopeless at the emotional support. I’m not criticising, that’s just who he is. And he doesn’t get me. He can’t, he’s just far too different.

And I have no-one else I can trust, or who cares. Being open and real, has left me, with no-one. And I can’t heal in isolation. With no-one who cares.

And having no-one, hurts. It hurts more than I can bear any longer.

So, to avoid this aloneness, I can only consider new friends, volunteering etc, if I don’t tell them anything about my past, or my PTSD etc. Just keep that part of my life completely separate.

Well, I prayed for more ways to see progress…my moral compass…yup, that’s progress..

I love the quote “Those who develop a moral compass, don’t follow the crowd”.

And I don’t. I absolutely am not someone who follows the crowd, at all.

Not society’s crowd, or the churchy crowd.

But…

Boy did I use to. Follow the society crowd.

I tried so hard to be ‘normal’ and did everything I could to be like those around me – clubbing, partying, alcohol, wild ways, men, sex…as well as working hard, supporting myself, dealing with an abusive family, dealing with an abusive first marriage, other trauma, dealing with PTSD and depression…desperately suppressing the trauma of the first 20 years of my life….

But, my lifestyle, was not exactly a moral compass. Far from, in fact.

There is definitely no way, anyone could ever describe my life, in my 20’s, as ‘moral’.

150,000 views on this blog now – okay time for WordPress to start paying me.

Thank you to everyone who supports me, in my writing here on this blog 🙂 ❤

150,000, is a lot for a blog that talks about taboo stuff.

And for a blog that is only just over 12 months old.

Averaging about 800 views, per day.

I think I will add that advertisement thingy (I cannot remember what it's called), where WordPress can start paying for all the advertising they are doing on my blog.

I can use any proceeds, to pay for publishing my first book 🙂

I find it hard to deal with anything that offends my understanding of God, and abusive church people.

As a Christian, with God dwelling within me – I am meant to react to anything that contradicts God’s pure perfect love and react to people getting hurt. God gets angry and I know that, because Jesus did.

I read every day, how church people hurt abuse survivors, with their entitled opinions that have no wisdom, and hurt people more.

And I know how much this does hurt, it has happened to me too.

And worse!!!! Seeing church people push people away from God. That does NOT sit well with my soul.

And seeing all the many comments – where people say God in some way ‘wants’ suffering and suffering is all part of His perfect plan. So God is a sociopath….

I hate seeing this.

And I am meant to hate it – because it is so wrong.

I don’t hate the people – just what they are doing, the sin.

I struggle to deal with this, without wanting to be very blunt and stand up for my God who I know does not want any suffering, because He is pure, perfect love.

But, I also know, the blunt truth – is not the way to deal with ego’s and ignorance etc. And who says it’s my job to deal with it all anyway. I know it isn’t, but I still hate seeing this going on.

*sigh.

I walk away, because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, and then feel guilty for not doing anything and ignoring it.

*huge sigh.

Why do all these church people feel so bloody entitled to have opinions on things they know nothing about?????

SHUT UP ALREADY! You are hurting people. Please, leave them alone. You aren’t helping. You are pushing them away from God. Please stop, they have been hurt enough already!

I am very protective of abuse survivors, and I see clearly this causes irritation in me about church people hurting them more.

I guess being irritated, and maintaining my impulse control – to want to shout at them, or be very blunt and not doing that, because I know it is not gong to help, is okay. Hey, my impulse control, is progress.

And I guess, it’s better than apathy and not caring, like most.

I avoid unhealthy church people like the plague, but they are all over social media too. So, I cannot escape them.

*sigh.

Posts to my page, I am saving here, for future reference.