Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

To ‘wake up’ and not have enough support, is so cruel.

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I know that I have ‘woken up’ – to the realities of life, spiritually, socially, psychologically.

I see all the crap peddled in society, how society does not realise how controlled they are, and yet believe they are free.

I see deeply into human behaviour, and I see so much that is not okay and so much harm caused as a result.

I know I am an empath, who feels and hurts deeply for others and having this, is not fun, it is actually painful.

I have woken to the reality of Christianity, how badly it fails and how much harm it causes, which most church people will either ignore, or reject.

I have woken up to realise how ego’s, apathy, narcissism are increasing in society rapidly, and how much harm this causes in the world.

I have woken up to seeing the world and all the suffering, starving people etc people enduring the kinds of pain, no-one should ever endure.

And I painfully hate it all.

I have woken up to the reality of my own life, my own past, and the severity and cruelty of it all.

And I have woken up to the acceptance that I have no emotional support, and that my life now is existing, not living, only in even more pain, because of all I have woken up and now understand.

It is a huge amount of deep realisations, that I cannot cope with. And I don’t have the support I need. Which is cruel. Especially after all I have already been through.

Life is cruel for many.

And I am too real, and too honest to pretend.

I can’t apply those shallow platitudes to my life, because I know they are crap.

Life is ugly and really fucking cruel for so many people and I am too real to pretend otherwise.

Yes, I have blessings in my life, but they do not heal my deep wounds, or take away the cruelty of all I have endured, or take away my nightmares and vile memories, and they don’t give me the emotional support I need, that I have never had and still don’t have.

I fake it every day in front of my children, because they deserve a mum who is not depressed. That is all the level of strength I have in me, to fake it for them and I do because I love them.

But, it is like on robot mode too much to cope around them and I know that. But, it’s all I can manage.

The rest of the time, I am in more pain, than I can deal with, just doing anything I can, to take the pain away, to numb the pain, internet, music, TV, alcohol every evening.

Life is cruel and I am sick of all these platitudes and rose coloured glasses ways people like to view it – which I know is their coping methods, and that’s okay, I get it, but I am too real and too honest for that.

I have ‘woken up; , but I really wish I hadn’t.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

2 thoughts on “To ‘wake up’ and not have enough support, is so cruel.

  1. If you see any oppression of the poor and a violation of justice and righteousness in your district, do not be surprised about the matter.+ For that high official is being watched by one who is higher than he is, and there are others who are still higher than them. Eccles. 5:8

  2. You’re not alone :- ) A lot of people woke up, are dealing with suffering and also sometimes wishing they did not. However they are still here, eyes wide open. Hang on there. Fruity hugs !