I know that I have ‘woken up’ – to the realities of life, spiritually, socially, psychologically.
I see all the crap peddled in society, how society does not realise how controlled they are, and yet believe they are free.
I see deeply into human behaviour, and I see so much that is not okay and so much harm caused as a result.
I know I am an empath, who feels and hurts deeply for others and having this, is not fun, it is actually painful.
I have woken to the reality of Christianity, how badly it fails and how much harm it causes, which most church people will either ignore, or reject.
I have woken up to realise how ego’s, apathy, narcissism are increasing in society rapidly, and how much harm this causes in the world.
I have woken up to seeing the world and all the suffering, starving people etc people enduring the kinds of pain, no-one should ever endure.
And I painfully hate it all.
I have woken up to the reality of my own life, my own past, and the severity and cruelty of it all.
And I have woken up to the acceptance that I have no emotional support, and that my life now is existing, not living, only in even more pain, because of all I have woken up and now understand.
It is a huge amount of deep realisations, that I cannot cope with. And I don’t have the support I need. Which is cruel. Especially after all I have already been through.
Life is cruel for many.
And I am too real, and too honest to pretend.
I can’t apply those shallow platitudes to my life, because I know they are crap.
Life is ugly and really fucking cruel for so many people and I am too real to pretend otherwise.
Yes, I have blessings in my life, but they do not heal my deep wounds, or take away the cruelty of all I have endured, or take away my nightmares and vile memories, and they don’t give me the emotional support I need, that I have never had and still don’t have.
I fake it every day in front of my children, because they deserve a mum who is not depressed. That is all the level of strength I have in me, to fake it for them and I do because I love them.
But, it is like on robot mode too much to cope around them and I know that. But, it’s all I can manage.
The rest of the time, I am in more pain, than I can deal with, just doing anything I can, to take the pain away, to numb the pain, internet, music, TV, alcohol every evening.
Life is cruel and I am sick of all these platitudes and rose coloured glasses ways people like to view it – which I know is their coping methods, and that’s okay, I get it, but I am too real and too honest for that.
I have ‘woken up; , but I really wish I hadn’t.