Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


“I love your commitment to openess and vulnerability and healing”

This was a comment on my page today.

I am open. Real. Raw. Honest to be open about my vulnerability. Insightful and open about my weaknesses. Open about my emotions. In writing.

It’s not common, I know.

It takes courage to do this.

I have deep self insight.

I also know I have to accept myself, as I am.

I am never going to have all this insight and understanding of humanity, and turn into someone like my doctor.

It’s not going to happen. And it takes courage and insight to accept that too. It’s about being real and not having some deluded idea, that I will turn into someone who hasn’t endured the levels of abuse I have.

My healing, will take a long time and I accept that.

If it takes my entire life, that is okay. Continue reading


2 Comments

We all need love, acceptance, respect – to the depth we need.

We all need this, and I haven’t had this, from birth onwards. I still don’t have it. Not to the depth, I need.

Even within adulthood, I have gravitated towards selfish, narcissistic people, and they have been drawn me, and I have been hurt more.

Even very recently, getting hurt by a ‘friend’ who ignored by after telling her I had been feeling suicidal, and all the reasons and reactions, were selfish, egocentric, and immature justifications.

I know now, why I gravitate towards selfish, narc type people – it’s common in complex trauma survivors. And I know my soft boundaries and how I am willing to offer flattery and be so nice to people – those with ego issues, love that and use me for it.

Most of my friends have been like this. Selfish, egocentric, immature. Continue reading


Another live version of Born to Die, I love.

The emotions, the fragility, the lyrics, the Amazing Grace reference, the suicide intentions, I relate to, deeply. About the worst times in my life. That I still feel now, over and over. That make me want to die.

My past, never in the past.

I love her voice.

Lyrics

“Born To Die”

Why?
Who me?
Why?

Feet don’t fail me now
Take me to the finish line
Oh my heart it breaks every step that I take
But I’m hoping at the gates,
They’ll tell me that you’re mine

Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design
I feel so alone on the Friday nights
Can you make it feel like home, if I tell you you’re mine?
It’s like I told you honey

Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime

Come on take a walk on the wild side
Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
You like your girls insane
Choose your last words, this is the last time
Cause you and I, we were born to die

Lost but now I am found
I can see but once I was blind
I was so confused as a little child
Trying to take what I could get
Scared that I couldn’t find
All the answers honey

Don’t make me sad, don’t make me cry
Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough
I don’t know why
Keep making me laugh
Let’s go get high
The road is long, we carry on
Try to have fun in the meantime Continue reading


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I still hate seeing an abuser.

My son’s school, is very close to where the abusive, lying pastor lives. Normally I don’t have to drive near their road, but there are lots of road works at the moment.

The traffic was really bad this arvo. My son said to me – “go that way, Dad and I always go that way it’s much quicker”. The way he was suggesting, is closer to this pastors home.

So, I thought stuff this traffic, I will go that way.

And just my fucking luck, I get to an intersection – and there he is driving past, window down, looking in my direction.

FFS.

Anxiety hitting right in my chest immediately. Continue reading


1 Comment

Quit counselling.

I let my doctor know, I’m not continuing counselling. It’s pointless. I can’t talk about how I really feel. It isn’t enough.

I need what I will never have.

And acceptance of that and numbing out the pain, faking being happy around my children, is all I have left in me now.

I am honest enough, to admit this.


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Tony might get dumped within a week – Oh Please God!! I hope so. Along with his budget.

http://www.news-mail.com.au/news/tony-abbott-will-be-dumped-own-party-within-week/2274684/

This is probably just gossip – but it would make my day to see this happen.

Along with the budget being dumped in the next week, too.

Poor Tony’s ego, will not cope though. He’s already ‘hurt’ that people ‘dare’ to be angry with him, for hurting vulnerable people and supporting the rich.

I realise there is a level of the dark triad traits, in many politicians – but Tony’s is off the chart.

Maybe he won’t get his ‘knighthood’ after all. He will be even more upset.


It isn’t wrong, to want what we need.

“I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood.”
~ Anaïs Nin

I don’t agree with this need to ‘despise’ this.

This is purely based upon comparison with ‘normal’ society views, which are shallow and without deep self honesty, or deep insight.

It is ‘normal’ to want to be loved and understood. Especially when you have never received it, from birth.

It is absolutely normal, to crave that within you.

Just because I have a deeper self awareness and self insight, than many are capable of, doesn’t mean I am wrong, to want this.

I have insight into complex trauma, I have insight into psychology.

I also have deep honesty and instead of being someone, who will just try and ignore this, I have accepted fully, that I should have had love and understanding, but I didn’t and I still don’t. Not the kind I need, on a true, deep level.

Each persons needs, are their needs, and to pretend they don’t exist, is just dishonesty to self. Continue reading


‘Out Of Mind’ – Tove Lo

I like this girl, her voice, her video’s. Music is huge coping method for me. Music often understands, where no no-one else does. Music aids my dissociation, I need to live.

It’s how I feel right now. I think I was otta my mind, to think I could get my past out of my mind.

And in the video, the blackness and evilness following her, reminds me of my past, following me, and I can’t get rid of it.

And no time doesn’t heal. Not with complex PTSD.

Lyrics Continue reading