Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Church people too often, are apathetic bystanders = abuse enablers.

Many Church people delude themselves with this ‘we all sin, we cannot judge’ crap, and cheap grace, that enables everyone to sin and just maybe say a quick pathetic ‘sorry’ and then apparently that means repentance and they won’t do it again. And it’s okay to abuse children with harsh physical abuse, and just ignore that.

Hey. it’s ONLY abuse, child abuse, spiritual abuse….what does that matter?

I even heard recently that it is okay if the wrong message is being spoken in churches, even if it is preaching God has evil in Him, as long as people are preaching Him. Wow. That is so not okay. So apparently the abusive, unhealthy church I was abused at, by a minister, is okay to continue preaching God is a sociopath and it’s okay to hurt people, physically abuse children, spiritually abuse anyone. Wow.

That deeply offends my understanding of God. That deeply offends my understanding of the harm to people this causes.

I currently have a survivor of church/religious abuse I talk with on Twitter. She/he has been hurt deeply by church people, being abusive, in childhood onwards. She/he is now an atheist. And I absolutely understand why. I am modelling to her/him, how I do NOT agree or justify what these abusive church people have done, including harsh physical discipline and how I know Jesus does not either. I don’t ‘tell’ her/him to believe in God, or make any assumptions as to what will happen if she/he doesn’t, because that is NOT my judgment to make, and I believe God has mercy and deep understanding for abused people who have been abused in His name.

All I can do, is to say, quite categorically – I do NOT think it is okay what has happened to this person, I do NOT condone it or justify it, like others will, and that I care, and I do not think any less of this person, in fact I have great compassion, patience and love for this person. And that, is all I need to do.

I don’t tell her/him to hate the people that abused her/him, and I also do not force the issue of forgiveness, because how would I know whether that is appropriate? I don’t. In fact I know it isn’t. That is another abuse far too many church people inflict on people. I don’t have this entitled need to force this on others. I just want to love them.

And this person has searched this blog and been tearful, but in a good way, to read my views on this. Particularly what I wrote about my understanding of ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’. Because I will NEVER accept that taking belts etc to children/teenagers is okay – it is not. It is abuse. Child abuse. As confirmed by my Christian doctor.

But, it does offend my soul when I see God spoken of bu church people, in terms of being a sociopath, or see people being hurt and harmed by unwise, immature church people. Particularly as they harm others, in the name of God, using perfect God, as the excuse.

It would appear that having integrity to what you know, having spiritual courage to say ‘this is not okay’ and having empathy with abuse victims, is considered wrong in society. Continue reading


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I’m scared this willow, will break, if there is too much pressure.

pink

I see quotes like this and I think, how can anyone compare people, to trees? But, they do. Pink even called her daughter Willow.

There is so much pressure put on people to be endlessly strong, never break down, don’t give up, don’t let anything break you completely.

And any hint that someone doesn’t comply with this, they are written off as weak.

I feel like I am one more issue away from a complete breakdown. I think it is only my capacity for dissociation, that is stopping that now.

I think that is why my body is now visibly showing my internal distress, in hives, often. I was covered in them earlier, just from a bike ride, with my husband, in a park, with no-one else around.

And I am exhausted, all the time. Mentally, emotionally, psychologically and physically, exhausted.

I know a complete breakdown, or worse, is just under the surface and I am constantly trying to ensure it doesn’t occur. I stay away from people and anyone who may cause it. I numb out anything, and distract myself from the pain, the only way I can that works. Continue reading


My husband is not happy I quit counselling.

He thinks I have done the wrong thing. He think I am just isolating more and more and that is not good for me.

I told him I can’t talk about things, and I just go along with what she says – and his reply was that she probably knows that.

I told him I have trust issues, and his reply, you have trust issues with everyone, you don’t trust me, so of course she will be no different. And she probably expects that.

He also thinks I don’t always know what I need and that really pissed me off. Partly because, he could be right.

He thinks I am just avoiding the hard stuff. And that I have to talk to someone about it all.

I told him I don’t ‘have’ to do anything. To which he replied, well not if you want to stay like you are now, forever.

He thinks I cannot do this on my own.

That pissed me off too. Because again, he could be right.

*sigh.


Okay, am I fit and skinny yet? My first bike ride…

I promised my husband I would go out on my new bike today. I’ve had it since my Birthday, at the beginning of May and have yet to even sit on it.

Today, I got up and went out. I haven’t ridden a bike for a long time. The backwards peddling brake thing – took some getting used to. Was wobbling around a bit to start with, but got used to it fairly quickly.

So, we had a nice easy peddle around, which was good, as I am very unfit. In fact, the neighbours next door are in their 70’s and they are fitter than me….by far!

Was all good, until I stacked it (ouch!) at the end. Which of course, my husband found very funny. I laughed, I mean what else can you do. My butt bloody hurts though.

Now covered in hives, but, it was worth it.

Am I fit and skinny yet!!??

No!?

Guess I’ll have to do it again then.


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This is why I can write, but never verbalise this, with anyone. I don’t ‘do’ intimacy.

By Pete Walker…

Intimacy and the Outer Critic.

Complex PTSD typically includes an attachment disorder, which arises from the childhood experience of not having at least one caretaker safe enough to go to for comfort or help.

When the developing child lacks a supportive parental refuge, she never learns that interrelating can soothe and metabolize confusions, conflicts and hurts. She also never learns that real intimacy grows out of sharing all of one’s experience – the good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the loving and the mad.

To the degree we are vulnerable and authentic in relationship, to that degree do we experience the incomparable healing power of intimacy. However, to the degree that our caretakers attack, shame or abandon us for showing vulnerability, to that degree do we later avoid the authentic self-expression fundamental to intimacy.

Inclinations to verbalize feelings, ask for help or reveal one’s struggles are short-circuited by subliminal memories of being scorned or attacked for daring to seek our parents’ support.

Click to access ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf

I cannot be vulnerable this way, with anyone in person.

I just can’t.

Which is another reason I quit counselling. I will never be able to speak to anyone about the worst stuff, or my worst fears and emotions. So, I am wasting her time. And I know that.