Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Apparently, I have a ‘way with words’…

This was a post on my page, that was liked a lot, and also made a few laugh.

I’m always happy when I make an abuse survivor laugh. Even on days, where laughing is not possible for me, I am happy to make others feel better, smile. laugh.

When truly healing from abuse and trauma, it is impossible and not normal, and not healthy – to force yourself to be happy every day.

To heal, emotions and grieving need to be felt and processed.

It annoys me, when I see people ‘insisting’ that people healing should be spewing rainbows and pooping butterflies every day.

Unprocessed, suppressed emotions, never go away, they worsen and affect all future relationships and quality of life.

The ‘focus on the good’ brigade, need to learn about psychology.

Yes, when I can feel good, laugh, giggle, have fun – I do and make the most of it, and cherish it.

But, no, I cannot feel that every day.

And this is absolutely normal, when healing from abuse and trauma and PTSD/CPTSD.

Don’t allow others, to deny your rightful and needed emotions and hinder your healing.

Lilly ❤


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I pretend, when I’m around my children and other people. It is exhausting.

I fully accept that I am so far from a fully functioning adult these days.

I pretend to be happy and okay around my children, because I don’t want them to see me sad, crying and unhappy. My mother was depressed, miserable and selfish, and I vowed to never be her.

And I know, I am nothing like my mother.

I do fake it around my children, but there are also times of non faking, where I do genuinely laugh and find joy with my children.

I want them to be happy, more than anything and they are.

But, it is exhausting.


Going to counselling tomorrow.

My doctor, who has been doing my counselling, contacted me yesterday. She respected my decision to stop counselling but I know she feels that is the wrong decision and offered to be available should I change my mind.

I explained what my husband has said, and she agreed with him. I was pretty upfront in my emails to her about where I am at, and it isn’t good.

She offered that I can see her tomorrow, which is very kind of her, as I know how busy she is. I know it’s the right thing to do.

Sometimes, we have to realise, we do need help, and maybe we aren’t making the best decisions for ourselves. which scares the crap out of me.

Having been someone all my adult life, who has needed to be in control of everything I have ever done since the age of 20, and fiercely protected my independence and not been willing to let people ‘know what’s best for me’ – due to so much abuse, this is hard for me.

Giving other people, any say/control of ‘what is best for me’ – freaks me out. Which I know is irrational, now in this current situation. But, I also see it is needed, even though I have anxiety, just writing this.

It makes me ‘vulnerable’ to other people – and that is a very fear inducing issue to me.

But, that’s okay I guess. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a church minister, who I thought I knew and could trust, and that vulnerability was abused and my trust in him trashed. Which made my fear of trust and being vulnerable, so much worse. He used my deep need for non sexual intimacy and trust and used it for his own needs. And that was recent trauma. And it’s interesting how I saw him two days ago, in the midst of this occurring, which is weirdly appropriate for what I am now facing. Trust. Non sexual intimacy with people. Relying on others.

I wrote about this ‘vulnerability’ and how I ‘don’t do’ trust/intimacy in relationships of any kind and my absolute complete fear of that now, is something I will struggle with.

But, as the saying goes…if you are going through hell…keep going.


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I was never a child. I was too busy surviving continual abuse.

I had my childhood stolen from me.

By my ‘mother’ who made me the parent to my sisters.

By my ‘parents’ who turned me into a child sexual abuse victim.

By being turned into a shining beacon for abuse and perverts.

By not having one adult in the first 20 years of my life I could turn to.

By my ‘parents’ blaming me for my sisters abuse.

By, the paedophile taking my innocence from me at 9.

By having my body used, for adult sexual pleasures.

By being forced to watch hard core porn at 9.

By the psychopath, who stole my adolescence.

By my entire childhood and the first 20 years of my life, being about fear and abuse.

I was never a child, a teenager, an adolescent.

I was too busy surviving, what no-one should ever endure, even as an adult.

I didn’t have a childhood.

I was never allowed to be a child.