Dreaming about my step father = very bad start to my day.

*ugh.

I hate PTSD some days. I really do.

Actually I hate all the abuse I was inflicted with, that caused the PTSD.

I have so many abusers, it’s like my brain has to constantly manage all these memories, all the different emotions about them all individually and collectively.

Having severe multiple, prolonged, interpersonal trauma, in captivity situations from birth = severe pain, severely horrible night mares and trauma related dreams.

*sigh.

I know it’s because my brain hasn’t finished processing them all.

I know it will take a long time. Because there is so much. And more that I don’t remember too.

*ugh.

I love keeping up with neuroscience. Empathy is uncommon, but needed.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/ashoka/2013/05/08/the-neuroscience-at-the-heart-of-learning-and-leading/

“The inescapable conclusion: it pays to care, widely and deeply.”

In short, when we work with human nature, and we take care of basic emotional needs, people perform better. Thus it’s a “no brainer” that we learn more about the brain and how to use this cutting edge science to inform the way we lead and live.

The article is worth reading.

Maya Angelou – A very wise, inspirational woman. Who say’s…’like yourself’.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maya_Angelou

I have always loved many of her quotes, and her books are on my massive list of ‘to read’ when I am ready to read them.

I love this quote, which highlights something I have been dealing with recently. About liking myself, about liking what I do and how I do it.

I note, she does not say ‘love yourself’ – which to me, means ‘like’ yourself, with humility. ‘Love yourself’ to me, has that unhealthy ego connotation, many unhealthy people have, that society promotes.

I don’t go along with these completely wrong beliefs society pushes of needing to love ourselves with ego that then says we are amazing, incredible, awesome, perfect….sorry but none of us are. Those views are unhealthy and completely untrue and I have the wisdom, self honesty, insight and understanding to know so much of what society promotes, is utter rubbish.

I am learning to like myself more, without developing an unhealthy ego.

Erasing all the decades of wrong, negative and abusive things said to me and unsaid – but in the way people treated me and I also allowed myself to be treated, due to no self worth.

A pic of me, at my mother & step fathers wedding.

I have deliberately cropped this photo, so the adults faces are not shown and blurred the face of the other girl.

My mother is the one in the green trouser suit.

I am the little girl, at 5, who looks deeply sad and scared.

This picture makes me really sad.

That little girl, didn’t deserve all she got in her childhood.

I have no memory of that day, even though it was an event that I should have memory of. I have memory of before it, when I lived alone with my mother, before she moved in with her future husband.

I have gaps in my memory between the age of 4 – 7’ish.

A pic of me, when I was about 10, with my sister.

This was at a friend of the family’s wedding.

This was the age, I was being abused by the paedophile regularly, I’m not sure whether my sister was at this point, or not.

I can tell by the forced smile and the dead eyes, that I was not happy.

My sisters face, that I have blurred out, is also very telling, of the unhappiness.

I feel really sad when I see this picture, because I know I have very telling facial expressions. When I am happy, it is ‘written all over my face’.

When I am sad and faking any happiness it shows.

And I am really bad at faking emotions.

This pic, is sadness.

Resisting the urge, to point out the obvious :)

During my last session with my doctor, she stated an activity that she had done over the weekend with her family, which was lovely and I am really happy for her and told her I though this was lovely 🙂

This activity requires money. It’s expensive. My doctor is middle class.

She talked about this activity being so good for discipline for children etc and as she talked, it was as if she was suggesting to me, that it would be great for my family…..which I’m sure it would…

Except, we are working class, on one low income, with no money for any extras, no money for luxuries of the society in which we reside, no money for expensive….anything’s.

I know she meant no harm, at all. But, I had to resist the urge to point out the obvious, that we are lower income working class, and she is wealthy middle class and I’m sure that activity would be fab for everyone, but we are not all able to access, most of what then middle classes can.

So true

justiceforkevinandjenveybaylis

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To my sisters. I hope you read this.

I know you hate me. I know why. I understand who you are and why.

I understand that you don’t understand how abused by our mother and your father, you were.

I understand you were trained to hate me having support, to hate me having love.

I understand you were trained to keep the family secrets.

I understand you have unhealthy/shame based loyalty to our mother, your father.

I understand that you need to hate me, because you have that deep envy within you, that I achieved so much with my life, that you have never been able to achieve.

I understand you have dark hatred within you, towards me, even though I cared about you both, more than our mother and your father did.

I understand you will not accept that.

I understand you cannot allow yourself to see the truth.

I accept where you are at and why.

I do not have to like you. I don’t.

I do not have to like your lack of empathy, your lack of compassion, your lack of remorse, you capacity for such dark hatred, your need to hurt others the way you do.

I do not have to like your envy, your dark hearts that developed because of our childhoods.

I do not have to like, that you lie about things that you have no right to speak of – because you were too young to know what was occurring.

I do not have to tolerate who you are, or have you in my life.

And I am allowed to be angry about what you do.

But, I will always love you. Because love, real love is unconditional.

And I do love you both, despite everything.

And the really sad part is….I looked after you like you were my own children. And you know that deep down.

Yet, you hate me, because I now speak the truth…

Having support, still feels weird. Good, but weird.

So good to have support from my doctor and others, about my intentions to do more about the abusive, narc pastor and her understand my reasons, which are very genuine and appropriate reasons.

And I will do whatever I can legally, which I am finding out more about and I will pursue whatever is legally open to me. I know my heart reasons and I know my faith reasons for this. Wolves in sheep’s clothing should not be pastors. And I don’t want more people hurt by this lying, narcissistic, self serving, wolf. And, I do not care in the slightest what anyone at the church he pastors at thinks about this. I am aware they will wrongly assume all sort of crap. They can go ahead.

My spiritual understanding, my understanding of God, my understanding of Jesus and who He is and my spiritual integrity, is greater than all of them combined. If they choose apathy, If they choose cheap grace, if they choose their needs to remain in their inner circles, if they choose to worship their church and leaders instead of God, if they choose being a narcissist’s apaths – that is their issues. And the shame and all their sin, is theirs too.

Apathy, will never be something I condone.

Using God/Jesus to hurt others, rightly offends my soul greatly.

Support is always needed though and I have this from several people.

Thank you God. I wouldn’t be who I am, without You.