I my life experiences, I have learned, that expectation of people, leads to getting hurt.
Humans, are deeply sinful. Often lacking in integrity. Often very selfish. Often dishonest.
I have tried many times, to trust people, to expect good, and mostly been very disappointed, very hurt too often, abused too much. Yes, I probably expect too much from people…like honesty. Like…wisdom. Like…unselfishness. These seem beyond the capacity of many.
I feel very disconnected from society, from people. Always have done. I’ve always seen all these issues people have and tolerated them, assumed it was me that had the problem. Now, I know it isn’t me.
It’s hard being someone with life wisdom, a deeper understanding of people’s issues than they have of themselves, with growing psychology understanding.
I am a Christian, I am meant to tolerate people, and I always have. I still do. But, in no way, is my increasing awareness of humanity, giving me more capacity to trust in people, in fact it is exactly the opposite. And Jesus knew not to trust people, He knew all the disciples would fail Him. And they did, when the shit hit the fan. A perfect Biblical illustration of human weakness. Yes, He still loved them, but He knew not to trust them.
If you never trust, you never expect, you don’t end up disappointed, don’t get hurt. After my life, it is the way I know I need to be.
I don’t think people who lack courage, who lack honesty, who lack integrity, who lack compassion, who can’t be trusted – are bad. They are who they are. But, I know all too well the hurt and harm this can cause and does cause.
I’ve always said, to trust anyone, to expect good to happen, to expect anything good from people – has always been my greatest form of self harm – and it was.
I have nothing in common with most people I know. Never have had, but made myself – because I fought to be ‘normal’ and now I realise how not healthy your average person who considers themselves ‘normal’, is.
I don’t fit in and I never have done. And that’s okay because I know why now. I am different and that’s not a ‘complex trauma’ related issue. It’s fact – often expressed by many – who see I am different, with many polite and many nasty ways to express that.
I’ve been told I am different all my life, and I know I am. I accept the reasons why, my strengths, my weaknesses.
But, I have seen and endured far too much of humanities weaknesses, the ego’s, the selfishness, the lies, the self serving ways of so many.
I don’t trust people.
I don’t expect anything anymore.
And I believe that is in fact, wisdom.
The only person I can and need to trust, is Jesus and I do.
And that is spiritual wisdom.