Dissociation, is something I learned young. I needed to, due to abuse.
Over the last two years, it has increased and my zoning out, freeze trauma response due to all the pain of everything I have processed, and not having sufficient emotional support in my life, it help me deal with the pain.
Its why mindfulness is not possible. Because to stop zoning out, and do mindfulness, means I have to feel the deep pain and I can’t handle it. The only time I allow this to occur is around my children, so I can engage and concentrate on them and their needs.
The rest of the time, I am now permanently in a varying state of dissociation, from mildly zoned out to much deeper. I use my capacity to zone out, to use the internet to help others with info and as that comes easily to me – I can do that and it distracts my mind from the memories, the pain and the fear I feel. Continue reading