I’m thankful for dissociation. It saves my life.

Dissociation, is something I learned young. I needed to, due to abuse.

Over the last two years, it has increased and my zoning out, freeze trauma response due to all the pain of everything I have processed, and not having sufficient emotional support in my life, it help me deal with the pain.

Its why mindfulness is not possible. Because to stop zoning out, and do mindfulness, means I have to feel the deep pain and I can’t handle it. The only time I allow this to occur is around my children, so I can engage and concentrate on them and their needs.

The rest of the time, I am now permanently in a varying state of dissociation, from mildly zoned out to much deeper. I use my capacity to zone out, to use the internet to help others with info and as that comes easily to me – I can do that and it distracts my mind from the memories, the pain and the fear I feel.

My son’s empathic heart.

After spending time earlier upset then numb, due to not being the mother I want to be for my children…

My son told me this evening his teacher is putting his name down to be considered for student of the year, for being so kind often to a boy who is being bullied a lot.

I cried. I am such a sook. To know my children are growing with the one thing I want them to have the most – empathy – is so heart warming for me.

My son was bullied at a former junior school, for a few years and due to anxiety and the school dealing with it badly, we had to change schools and my son was instantly a much happier child and continued to be for the remaining 3 years of junior school.

The high school he started at this year, has a lot of students from that school where he was bullied, that have now filtered through to the high school and funnily enough it is those students that are bullying this child, that my son has been kind to. My son felt sorry for him, knowing what being bullied feels like and also because I talk with him about being kind to those who need it.

1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys, will be sexually abused before they are 16.

Being an empath, and having such deep compassion for children, this devastates me and makes me cry, every time I think of the reality of this.

People say society is healthy, well I think the stats speak for themselves. It is a sick society we live in, where this occurs, little is done legally, and apathy about this, is rife.

I don’t understand people, I really don’t. The % of people who want to talk about abuse, talk about abusers, is small.

Yet these figures represent a child sexual abuse epidemic. And the are increasing, as apathy increases.

Just to even think of how many children are being abused right now, is so painful. So many hurting children.

“Your children don’t have all of you”

It’s my worst fear to not be a good enough mother for my children.

Just watched Dr Phil. A woman was on there whose husband has been having affairs, and she has PTSD symptoms.

She is a mother. Dr Phil said he was really concerned about her and her health and that this has all affected her so badly and her children don’t ‘have all of her’. She of course was really upset at knowing this.

To know my children don’t have ‘all of me’, don’t have the mother they deserve, is beyond painful for me to think about. The shame I feel for not being a mother I want to be for them, is..

I can’t even write about this. It’s too hard.

I cannot cope with all I know. It’s too painful. Bottom line.

I have done a massive amount of processing, learning, and coming to terms with my past. It’s takes courage to do that, to the depth and understanding I have. To face the truth about people I loved. To know how horrendous so much of it was.

The pain – emotional pain – is more than I can handle. So, my options presently are allow the emotions to be felt and my mood drops to a dangerous level, or I zone out, use my current freeze trauma typology escape my brain knows so well. The latter is preferable.

I know, I am not going to be able to talk about the stuff I have to talk about. I just can’t. It’s too painful. It’s too horrific. I’m not emotionally strong enough to deal with it. I cannot get the words out. I don’t have anywhere near enough trust in anyone, to ‘go there’.

I don’t want to talk about it, I cannot talk about it. It creates too much fear in my mind.

I know this is why I have hives and agoraphobia and why I am mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted.

Every last reserve of energy I have, I use for when my children are home, and that takes a massive amount out of me, because they are noisy, busy boys, who I adore and are also my biggest PTSD stressors.

I guess this is the part where I ‘fail to engage in therapy’..to the depth I need to.

And all I do know, that swirls around my mind 24/7 – is far too painful. I’m zoning out just typing this. That’s how bad it is.

Writing is my refuge, my way to express and even that is now too hard.

I just want to be left alone.

I don’t really want to hear other people’s views on my life anymore. Or how I should be healing. Or what I’m doing wrong. What other people think I ‘should’ be doing. Who are they to judge?

I’m pretty over it. I just want to be left alone. Be a mother. Wife. Write. Research. Heal. Grieve. Rest.

Yes, this will be considered to be unhealthy. I am too tired to keep explaining, this is where I am at.

I am tired of people assuming my journey should be quicker, different than it is. I’ve had decades of abuse, it’s not quick to heal that.

I’m okay with where I am at. I want to be left alone.

I don’t ‘have’ to do what anyone else thinks, I don’t have to heal the way others assume. I have a brain, I have a mind, I have insight.

I just need to be alone.

The ‘I think I’m paranoid’ – was hypervigilance after all…

I always knew I saw and thought a lot more than most around me. I’ve been told numerous times in my life I was paranoid. So, I stopped talking about what I saw.

Now I know, I did indeed see a lot more about people’s behaviour than anyone around me. I already knew how to work out people.

It’s now deep discernment and those that don’t have that capacity won’t ‘get it’ and label it paranoia…rejecting what they don’t know.

“Stupid Girl” no more.

This song means a lot to me. Garbage, was my favourite music in my 20’s. This was what I believed about myself, after 2 decades of abuse. Severe abuse.

I suppressed everything, ‘moved on’, ‘got over it’ – wrong thing to do – but I had to – to survive. I was on my own.

I pretended to myself and everyone I was happy. I wasn’t. I faked it. Just like society tells you too. But, I knew I was faking it, but had no support to do anything else, I had to work, had to pay bills, I had no family.

But, I was never a stupid girl. I was an abused girl.

A line that stands out to me.

“don’t believe in love, don’t believe in hate”.

I’ve never hated, it’s not in me. I’ve always internalised it and hated myself.

I didn’t believe in love then either, because I was never shown any.