Dissociation, is something I learned young. I needed to, due to abuse.
Over the last two years, it has increased and my zoning out, freeze trauma response due to all the pain of everything I have processed, and not having sufficient emotional support in my life, it help me deal with the pain.
Its why mindfulness is not possible. Because to stop zoning out, and do mindfulness, means I have to feel the deep pain and I can’t handle it. The only time I allow this to occur is around my children, so I can engage and concentrate on them and their needs.
The rest of the time, I am now permanently in a varying state of dissociation, from mildly zoned out to much deeper. I use my capacity to zone out, to use the internet to help others with info and as that comes easily to me – I can do that and it distracts my mind from the memories, the pain and the fear I feel.
It is all I am now capable of. My husband keeps an eye on me. He knows what I am doing and why. He sees the hives, sees me physically shaking and knows I am so distressed if I can’t zone out, that I can’t cope.
Dissociation saved my life and it still is.
I can’t talk about the painful stuff, I don’t trust anyone enough to do that. My trust/abandonment issues are far too deep. And I have to be okay with that, understand why and have self compassion. I’ve been through a huge amount of trauma, with far too many people hurting me, betraying me, showing me to never trust anyone and I can’t.
I’ve given up expecting anything to get better and just accept things the way they are, and cope, make the most of my time with my children and help whoever I can.
Acceptance, is needed.
I am thankful to God, for my dissociation. He created my brain, how I needed it to cope.