Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


People confuse ‘compassion’ for abusers, with being one of their ‘apaths’.

I see people who think they are showing compassion and grace to abusive people, to narcissistic/sociopathic people etc – but what they fail to realise is that they actually courting evil, by becoming one of their ‘apaths’.

I see this, even in people who believe they are wise and spiritually progressed.

I don’t hate abusive people. I don’t want anything bad to occur to them. I do want them stopped from hurting people.

But, I will never condone, enable, excuse, ignore their behaviour. Which is what apaths, so.

It is hard to watch and know there is so little I can do.

Not only are abusive people increasing – but their apath’s, are too.

This is not wisdom, not compassion, not empathy…it is being deceived.

Read here for more info on the Sociopath – Apath – Empath Triad.


I am not of this world, I know that. It’s okay.

I’ve known this my entire life.

I know I do not fit into the society in which I reside. I see all the unhealthy people, walking around believing they are fine. I see what society pushes and encourages and how unhealthy it all is.

I see all the abuse increasing, people becoming more selfish, more narcissistic, more egocentric – I see it everywhere.

The world has always been very confusing to me. Now I know enough about psychology, have studied society long enough, to know humanity is bizarre. Totally messed up, deeply sinful and I want no part of any of most of it, except to raise my children, help those suffering, who actually do have the courage to know their issues.

I have always felt very alone and I continue to. Continue reading

Poem – Still Silenced

Still Silenced

Words come easily
For this vocal girl
She rambles on
Her incessant chatter

But, chatter ceasing
When needing to speak
Of the darkest times
Her suffering within

Words become strangled
By fear and pain
Told to stay quiet
Threatened still

The voices of the past
Threats of abandonment
Threats of death
To silence her voice

Still there in her mind
The fear to speak
Still silenced by
Her past tormenters
Continue reading

I don’t know this calm feeling…but I really like it. Peace.

Today, I have been only very mildly in robot mode – just enough to not feel irritated, anxious, etc.

Didn’t go to my counselling appointment yesterday. I had emailed my doctor a few days ago, explained why I didn’t go to see the psychiatrist two days ago. She’s not responded. Normally, I would feel emotional about this. A little hurt being ignored. But, I don’t. It’s okay.

Saw an abuser earlier. Felt nothing. It was okay.

Kids are not bothering me with their noise, which normally irritates my PTSD noise sensitivity issues. It’s okay.

I like feeling like this. Or not feeling, rather.

Not zoned out, aware of everything, but no emotions.

Calm. I’m not used to this. Continue reading

Progress = when I see an abuser & don’t feel a sharp anxiety increase :)

Saw the narcissistic church minister earlier, when I picked my child up from school.

I saw his car right in front of me, at a junction, had to drive past him. Saw him see us and then turn away.

I felt nothing. No anxiety increase. No emotions. Nothing…. Yay!

My son saw him too and asked me if I was okay, bless him, and I said I was. So, that is a huge improvement on the last time I saw him a few weeks back.

I actually can’t quite believe how I wanted that man to my brother. How I trusted him, despite seeing all the red flags in his and his wife’s behaviours, the fake-ness, the deep need for people to look up to them. The deep insecurities. The lies. The masks.

I am aware due to my past, why I have been drawn to narcissistic, selfish people – being an empath, as I am. It is very typical of the psychology of being abused by narcissists/sociopaths as a child, to be drawn to them, as an adult. I have self compassion, for why this occurred. And I know I have been easy prey for these vampires.

I am now very aware of the……’Narc/sociopath – Apath – Empath’….psychology, that occurs.

I feel really calm right now, even writing about this.

Thank you Jesus.

I am exactly where I need to be.

I often look at my situation in a negative way, put shame and failure onto myself…all the usual complex trauma reactions.

But, maybe I am exactly where God wants me to be.

I have learned, I don’t ‘need’ people in my life – I’ve had to.

I have learned I can do what I want for others, help others suffering, while suffering myself.

I have learned throughout my life, the need to rely on no-one but myself, trust no-one but Jesus.

I have learned to give, with no expectation or need for anything in return. I don’t do what I do for money, status, luxuries etc.

I have learned I can only help support those who are ready, willing and need that and those that don’t, or need something different, that’s okay.

I have learned, I can rely on my own wisdom and listen to the wisdom of Jesus prompting me.

I have learned, to cut out so much bullshit society perpetuates. To see and question so much. To think deeply and reflect deeply, on everything everyone says and does.

I don’t want to be around people, face to face, and maybe that is absolutely okay.

So, instead of thinking negatively – because of the opinions and views of others, maybe I will just be content and aware, I am where I need to be.

It may change, if it does…it does.