It feels surreal sometimes, how counsellors/therapists/psychologists, value what I write.

( https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/poem-ropes-knives-fear-pain/ )

I just thanked a professional counsellor, for sharing my Poem – Ropes, Knives, Fear & Pain – see above link.

She said she was deeply moved by the poem. It’s one of the hardest poems I have written.

I wrote it and shared it because I wanted to let others who have experienced similar to know they are not alone. And also to challenge this wrong society view – that rape is only in a situation where there is violence, screaming and fighting the predator off. Yes, that does happen, but it is not always that situation.

In a captivity situation, like I was in, where the abuser was a sadistic psychopath – I learned I got hurt more, if I fought & screamed, so stopped and did as I was told, to get hurt less. Once totally controlled by this psychopath, I did everything I was told and appeared to be compliant and giving consent. But, it was far from that. I was raped nearly every day for a period of years. During most of that, I didn’t say no. But, it was in no way consensual. It was rape and psychological torture – threats of death, and physical torture. I was often left tied up. Taken out to deep forest areas and badly hurt. Until I did as I was told.

It is a powerful poem that is hard to read and it does move many people.

I still feel surprised and bewildered sometimes that anything I write touches people the way it does, and is validated and valued by professionals in the abuse/trauma/therapy field.

I cherish the good times, but don’t minimize the pain of the bad times.

When I feel really low, I don’t minimize that, but I do look at pictures of recent times, when I did feel real joy, happiness and fun, which is always when I am with my children. Their joy, is my joy. Their smiles, their laughter, their silliness, their gorgeousness – is my joy.

These are a few of the pics I look at, to remember that no matter how bad it gets, there is always good to come, and it is worth it.

This is why I write and share, because it matters, it helps people.

A post to my FB page today, when I said I was thankful if what I write helps anyone.

I don’t do this for the thanks, because I am blessed, to bless others. I know I am not many of the things said to me – amazing, awesome, incredible etc – I am a healing survivor of severe trauma and abuse, who has a gift of honesty, insight and sharing. And I use those gifts.

I write, share, in an open, honest and raw way – because others see that and it helps them – because we live a deeply un-empathic world, where abuse and harm are minimized and survivors of abuse are told to just ‘get over it’.

I want to be one voice that has empathy, that understands the pain, the suffering, how long this takes to heal, validates, doesn’t judge and accepts people’s healing journey’s are different and that is okay.