I just thanked a professional counsellor, for sharing my Poem – Ropes, Knives, Fear & Pain – see above link.
She said she was deeply moved by the poem. It’s one of the hardest poems I have written.
I wrote it and shared it because I wanted to let others who have experienced similar to know they are not alone. And also to challenge this wrong society view – that rape is only in a situation where there is violence, screaming and fighting the predator off. Yes, that does happen, but it is not always that situation.
In a captivity situation, like I was in, where the abuser was a sadistic psychopath – I learned I got hurt more, if I fought & screamed, so stopped and did as I was told, to get hurt less. Once totally controlled by this psychopath, I did everything I was told and appeared to be compliant and giving consent. But, it was far from that. I was raped nearly every day for a period of years. During most of that, I didn’t say no. But, it was in no way consensual. It was rape and psychological torture – threats of death, and physical torture. I was often left tied up. Taken out to deep forest areas and badly hurt. Until I did as I was told.
It is a powerful poem that is hard to read and it does move many people.
I still feel surprised and bewildered sometimes that anything I write touches people the way it does, and is validated and valued by professionals in the abuse/trauma/therapy field.