I no longer focus on the unhealthy, shallow, dysfunctional, abusive, average people’s opinions of me.

Now I don’t. I believe in myself.

I do see that my levels of emotional courage and integrity, my life wisdom, my capacity for insight into myself and humanity at large, is way deeper than your average person.

This doesn’t make me better than anyone, I know I’m not. It is purely because of my life and it is my courage and willingness to grow, learn, listen, educate myself and my spiritual growth occurring at the same time, which I have been told is beyond where most people’s will be.

I do see clearly how I have different strengths and weaknesses to your average person within the society I live. And I am thankful.

People have loved to put me down all my life. And I allowed this, because I believed I deserved it. I had no self worth, following decades of abuse.

That is changing. I am healing.

Quoted several times, by the APA! The American Psychiatric Association.

The APA have a new online chat service, they are using, moderated by a Dr Gaby Cora – a ‘Distinguished Fellow’ and they let me know, several of my posts have been quoted!

Wow, what an honour! All the quotes are from professionals in the field and I am not a professional, so I feel extra honoured. And the posts of mine they quoted – 6 of them – were half the posts quoted!

The APA are one of the largest Psychiatric bodies in the world and produce the DSM, for mental health professionals.

https://storify.com/APAPsychiatric/american-psychiatric-association-apapsychiatric-la?utm_content=storify-pingback&utm_medium=sfy.co-twitter&utm_source=direct-sfy.co&utm_campaign=&awesm=sfy.co_akVN

I know I have to stop writing on abusive people’s Birthdays.

When it’s one of my sisters, or my mother’s Birthday, I blog about it. It’s one of their Birthdays today.

I can’t keep doing this to myself. Writing about their Birthdays and how I hope they have a good day. I do wish them all a good Birthday every year, but I have to stop feeling compelled to write about them.

They don’t and never have loved me, so why am I continuing to write about them? I know it’s because I still love them, but they don’t deserve this from me. They never deserved anything good from me, all the things I have done for them all.

I used to send them Birthday cards every year and they never sent me any. Couldn’t be bothered, too hard. They have never cared about anyone except themselves. They don’t deserve anymore care from me.

They have all collectively made my life hell. I have suffered continually because of them, all their lies, abuse and hatred they projected onto me.

So, I quit.

No more writing about them on their Birthdays.

I am done with it now.

Sleep issues and how I don’t know what it’s like to have a ‘normal’ life.

I have been a chronic insomnia/nightmares sufferer, my entire life.

Since coming off Mirtazapine, many months ago, my sleep has not been great. I manage, but I am pretty tired.

Last night, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep, because I was too emotional from processing more stuff about my past, my childhood. The probability that my mother and step father deliberately set me up at 16, to be with a psychopath. For sexual purposes. And that this occurred, to me and my sister with a paedophile friend of my step fathers. At the very least it is obvious they were complicit in this. At worst, my step father was paid, for ‘access’ to his daughters/stepdaughter.

So I took a Seroquel, to sleep and I did. Went to sleep around midnight. And didn’t wake up until 12.45pm in the afternoon, today.

Now, it is 1.50am, and I am wide awake. No chance of sleeping tonight, it will be an ‘all-nighter’ as I call them. I never sleep for 12 hours, unless medicated, so my body is really not used to it.

It is needed – to ‘bash what you hate’. It is wisdom, courage & integrity.

Society likes to promote all sorts of unwise garbage.

One of them is ‘encourage what you love, instead of bashing what you hate’.

This is all about apathy about important things in life, not hurting anyone’s feelings and focussing on the good. Which all seem great and lovely, until you look at the deeper issue.

I do intent to bash what I hate. Because I am not apathetic and I am not going to ignore what I hate, or enable it.

I hate abuse. Of any kind. I’m not saying I hate the people who abuse. I hate the abuse they cause. I hate that they choose to abuse.

I hate child abuse especially and I will not ignore it.

I will speak up and provide information on how child abuse affects the growing brain and causes long term damage.

I will speak up about all forms of abuse and say it is wrong and if you do it, and make excuses, then you are an abuser and I do not respect you and tell you what you do, is wrong and abuse.

I relate to this song, the ‘still love you’, part.

To love people, even when they have deeply hurt you, is so hard to endure.

It’s easier to hate, I would imagine.

But, I don’t.

I have boundaries now. I know I am worth being treated with respect and love. Not to be abused, hurt and harmed.

But, I believe real love, is unconditional. I believe in the kind of love Jesus has, where He loves, even when He hates behaviours and abusive harm caused to Himself, or others.

But, I am not Jesus, so I struggle deeply with knowing I know people who have hurt me so badly.

When I love people, I love them and that doesn’t die. Because if it does, then it was never real love in the first place.

Lyrics

“Pills N Potions”

How I know I have real empathy, grace, forgiveness, wisdom and courage.

I know I have empathy, because I have been able to put myself in the shoes of my abusers, and feel their lives, through their thoughts, known their issues of their severe mental health issues…and felt sad for them.

Including a paedophile and a sadistic psychopath, who abused me severely.

Doesn’t mean I don’t still hate what they ‘do’, ‘did’, or have apathy, or excuse their actions, in any way. I don’t have to like them, or have nice feelings about them. Doesn’t mean I don’t still have emotions of hurt, betrayal, pain, suffering, anger, disgust, at what they did. I can still have those emotions, because what they did, was horrific. To deny that, isn’t healing for me.

But, I do want them to have healing. I want them to have eternal life with Jesus/God.

My sisters are also emotional abusers, so that makes 10+ abusers.

Three years ago, I said I had 7 abusers. Then I was abused by a church pastor, which made it 8. Although I could also include his wife and the senior pastor, but I don’t – even though they have emotionally/spiritually abused me.

But, my sisters have always gone along with the abuse started by our mother and their father. The scapegoating abuse, the minimizing the abuse I endured, calling me a liar, labelling me names that are incorrect, wanting to keep the family secrets.

The fact remains, they were either too young, or not there. So they have no right to make a judgment, or say what they believe is fact. They have no opinion on my life, the abuse I endured. But they tell people I am a liar etc.

So they are two emotional abusers.

So technically that makes 10+ abusers.

My abusers are;

1. My natural father, who abandoned me my entire life
2. Narc/sociopath mother
3. Sociopath step father
4. Paedophile
5. Psychopath (went to prison)
6. Narc/addict ex husband
7. Attacker in park
8. Pastor

Plus;

9. Sister
10. Youngest sister