I am sat with tears running down my face, because every time I think about all the suffering that goes on this world, it makes me sob. I hate that there are so many people, so many children suffering so badly.
This doesn’t surprise me, but I find it absolutely abhorrent, that 85 people hold half the worlds wealth..
While three quarters of the world suffer, through lack of sufficient food, housing, health, education etc.
A huge proportion of these being children.
I find human selfishness/greed utterly disgusting, I really do.
I woke up this morning with anxiety, PTSD symptoms up, so I know it was nightmares, brain trying to process trauma etc. And I had hives immediately and they remained all day, but not many – just on my wrists.
They had pretty much gone by early evening.
So, I decided to take a bath, a nice warm bath, with bubbles, relax, good self care….
When I got out I could feel the tingling all up my arms and on my legs. Yup, the hives had spread all up my arms, on my legs, all up my neck and on my face.
And they itch like #$%&!!! :-O
Clearly heat, makes them worse and makes them spread.
So, this was not one of my finest moments of intellect lol!
Good job I now have anti-histamines.
I was shocked at counselling last week, when discussing how so many people always default to looking after their own interests, particularly when the shit hits the fan, and my doctor state 100% of people will do this.
I refuse to believe this. I want to believe that there are some people in this world, who will do the right thing, under huge pressure, that may cause them considerable grief.
I want to believe there are some people with integrity. Real integrity.
What a turn around this is.
Me…being the one who wants to ‘believe’ in people. And my doctor putting all people into the same category of lack of integrity when the situation is dire.
The suspicious part of me, wonders if she said this deliberately to get me to say I do ‘believe’ in people? Due to my trust issues…Hmmmm…
But there is another part of me, thinks…is she saying that because she doesn’t have a deep level of integrity herself? That is not good for me to have to think of. That does not help my trust issues with her… Continue reading
This and the huge amount of abuse condoned and tolerated in Nepal, is why I support decent orphanages – not the 50% that are selling children, abusing children and used for paedophiles to access children.
The massive levels of abuse, is why I will volunteer over there, with decent orphanages and be an adult that offers unconditional love to these children, because every child needs to see that and the more people who do this, the more the children see adults who care.
Nepal adoptions chief raped and groomed orphans for prostitution, claims British teacher
A British woman who adopted a five year old blind girl from a Nepalese orphanage believes she uncovered an abuse and vice ring after her new daughter said she’d been raped every Saturday. Continue reading
I see many church people’s attitudes and I see how far they are from what God wants for us.
I see rich church people, feeling entitled to be rich.
I see church people ‘doing their bit’ that eases their conscience.
I see Bible quotes used to hurt people.
I see cliques and inner circles.
I see them portraying God as a sociopath.
I see ministers putting themselves first.
I see fake Jesus’s being worshipped. Continue reading
Staring out the window
To a life she cannot risk
She no longer wants to belong
She tried for too long
Never ending healing journey
Into the core of her soul
A fail old woman resides
Limping feebly each day
Darkness always threatening
Just under the surface
Constant battle to contain
The darkness of pain
Forcing it back
To make it through
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Had a nightmare last night, I know because I woke up feeling fear, anxiety and although I can’t remember what it was about, I know my symptoms well enough to know what’s happening.
I have hives all up my arms, and I am sat in my home, my safe place.
My subconscious mind, deep memory and my PTSD knows when something is wrong – even when I can’t consciously know what is happening.
Hard to explain to people, but I know what’s happening.
When I am feeling fear, stress, anxiety and have hives, that is not rational for my current situation – like sat in my home – I know it’s PTSD, memory, trauma related.
It happens quite a lot.
So, I’m just taking it easy, husband is watching a DVD with the kids and I am doing my usual trauma response of freeze/fawn – absorbing myself in music and my laptop, providing info and support to others, distracting myself from the emotions going on within me.
I understand trauma responses and PTSD, well.
Tough girl in the fast lane
No time for love
No time for hate
No time for games
Tough girl whose soul
Act like poem, on my own, took my phone
Nothing more, I build thee
You order in pay TV
I may cry ruining my make up
Wash away all the things you’ve taken
And I don’t care if I don’t look pretty
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girls cry when their hearts are breaking
Big girl cry when their heart is breaking Continue reading