I’ve spend most of my life, feeling alone, lonely.
I still struggle with it, but less and less. I crave my own company now.
If I choose to see people, it is because I really want to, which is something I don’t want to do with most people.
It is my aim, to be completely comfortable alone, and not need anyone. I am on that journey.
I know I will never have the people in my life I have always wanted to fill the hole in my soul, where loving family were supposed to be. I know I have wanted and sought that all my life. I have wanted people to love me, people I can trust, people who care in the way I need and no-one can be that.
I accept I will never have family in the way I need, to fulfil my unmet childhood needs. It’s very painful and I am still processing and grieving it.
I also don’t want to rely on anyone. I want to be totally self sufficient, totally comfortable with my own company. then I don’t ‘need’ anyone. Don’t ‘rely’ on anyone. Which eliminates getting hurt by people, but without feeling lonely.
I think this is the process I am in and it is very different to how I have lived my life. I have needed people, to not feel alone, to fill the gap, to numb the pain, to care about me.
I don’t want to ‘need’ anyone.
I believe people do need human connection and I like that occasionally, but I don’t want to need it often.
People will always let you down and not be there when you need them most. Like now, I am processing deeply painful stuff from my childhood, and my counsellor is going away for 6 weeks. Such bad timing, for me, although I am very glad for her, to enjoy time off.
But, this just highlights to me more and more, to not rely on anyone. Not ‘need’ anyone, because they will not be there when you ‘need’ them most.
If you are completely okay alone, you cannot feel lonely, alone, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, by anyone.
If you never ‘need’ anyone, except Jesus, you have all you need.
Maybe I have been fighting the very thing I need the most. To be totally okay being alone.
So, this is my goal.