I don’t want to feel my emotions anymore. I have endured too much abuse to deal with.
It’s too unsafe to deal with it. ‘Unsafe’ – a huge aspect of my entire life.
Either way is unsafe. Too much zoning out, and too much feeling emotions. I’m screwed either way.
I am very happy to exist within the needed amount of numbness, to function, but not feel anything.
I would no doubt be told this is not healthy, not healing…
Well, it keeps me safe.
I am continually amazed at how many people read my blog!
It’s funny to look back at when I set it up and what I thought would happen. I never assumed so many people would read it.
I am thankful to be able to share my journey, so people feel less alone, to educate people and to contribute in the capacity I have, to make a little ripple that helps others.
I love writing and I know how important it is, to be a real, raw, honest, courageous voice, in world that wants to increasingly ignore, minimize, enable abuse and hurt, invalidate and re-victimise abuse survivors over and over.
I am thankful I can do my small part and share all I learn as I progress through this journey.
And I praise God for blessing me, to bless others.
Stats, showing over 200,000 total views and nearly 1000, just today so far.
“When I look back on my life, I can see the pain I’ve endured, the mistakes I’ve made and the hard times I’ve suffered. When I look in the mirror, I see how strong I’ve become, the lessons I’ve learned and I’m proud of who I am.”
Have a blessed day all. ❤
My husband knows this, always has and he’s always been okay with it. And I have kissed women, drunk, in my 20’s.
I never admitted this to any ‘church people’ because the ones I knew have abusive views about this. They are very anti-gay and I knew it would be a big issue and be considered to such a ‘terrible sin’ and I would ‘go to hell’. According to them.
Being attracted to women, is something I have never really pursued, but it is something that I acknowledge in myself and I accept in myself.
I considered being bi-sexual at one point in my 20’s, because somehow it seemed that women would be less abusive, more gentle and not hurt me, in the same way many men have.
It is my personal theory, but certainly not something I say is for all and I make that very clear (I am not in any way saying abuse causes sexual orientation), but for ‘me’ that this is sexual abuse related.
Having been subjected to a lot of (heterosexual) sexual abuse and a lot of pornography in my life (from 9 years old) – sex between women and men, has always been merely about the physical act of sexual gratification – that often degrades women and is more for the needs of the man. And I am very aware and learned how to do all they wanted, just like the porn stars, with the need for alcohol always, to ‘perform’. Continue reading
I’ve always known this Bible verse was not meant in a literal meaning. I just knew. Jesus’ spirit.
I remember telling the pastor (who later abused me) when I first started church 5 years ago, that I believed what I had read that the rod – was meant for guiding and leading, not to hit.
He disagreed of course. He likes abuse and feels very entitled to abuse.
It is quite pathetic how many church people run with the Bible verses they feel enabled them to abuse their children, yet don’t want to consider their children require the same amount of respect as adults.
And show them any evidence from psychology, or neuroscience that proves spanking, belting etc is abuse, and this occurs…
Or they are simply sociopathic/narcissistic, lacking in empathy, lacking in conscience, lacking in remorse – looking for ways to abuse and get away with it.
It is becoming more and more clear to me and my husband (so this is not about ‘my issues’), that in the last 2 years of dealing with an abusive, lying, narcissistic pastor – everyone who became a part of this, failed.
Throughout this mess, there have been 3 counsellors, 3 investigators – one of whom was a psychologist, a senior pastor and the heads of the Baptist Church – all involved. All of whom will claim to be strong, mature, wise Christians.
What is clear and has been confirmed;
– This pastor is a liar. His wife admitted that. He admitted that.
– He deliberately broke many rules and carried out highly inappropriate actions, that his own senior pastor wasn’t even aware of, or his wife.
– He displayed highly narcissistic behaviour, clear narc rage/injury and many typical narc behaviours were used, denying, minimizing, lying, no empathy, no remorse, calling me ‘demonic’ – all at a mediation witnessed by two counsellor/doctors, and a senior pastor.
– It has been confirmed to me, that the belief after this was that this man and his wife were too immature to be in ministry and also needed marriage counselling.
– It has been confirmed to me that his behaviour is narcissism.
– Then the investigation took place – my doctor/counsellor who was at the mediation – confirmed in writing I had been abused and the investigators lied through their arses in the report – saying the ‘mediation was poorly conducted and did not benefit anyone concerned’ – which was outright lies, total crap and something they have NO right to state – because they were not there and this is so obviously LIES to cover up this pastors behaviours.
Continue reading
I’ve been avoiding this all day and I can’t process my emotions about this, because I know if I ‘go there’ – the shame, guilt and self hatred will kick in.
I know I didn’t plan it, but I was having a very bad day, with overwhelming realisations that cause me great pain. I’m aware in a numb kind of way, the fact that it was a non planned, just a sudden need to end it, is probably worse. Because it could have happened so easily.
I am aware my zoning out stuff, is great to not ‘feel’ – but not good if I am likely to be impulsive, without the capacity to necessarily stop. Continue reading
Lyrics
Don’t Bring Me Down ~ Sia
Faint light of dawn
I’m listening to you
Breathing in and breathing out
Needing nothing
You’re honey dipped
You are beautiful
Floating clouds, soft world
I can’t feel my lips
I’m going down
I don’t want to change
I’m going down
Going down the drain
Don’t bring me down
I beg you
Don’t bring me down
I won’t let you
Don’t bring me down Continue reading
Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD 
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