Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It will take me time to fully process, that I am actually an introvert.

Having always driven hard to be an extrovert, being someone who has always talked too much, I always assumed I was an extrovert, but still struggled with anxiety and actually hated everyone looking at me, hated public speaking, don’t even do well in groups talking.

Interestingly, the only thing I have ever been okay with being an extrovert about, is dancing. And that doesn’t involve speaking.

I like one-on-one talking. I get overwhelmed with several people. I struggle to take everything in as I process everything so deeply. Processing at the depth I do and being so vigilant, means I have to concentrate really hard and it’s impossible to watch closely when there are several people.

I’ve always observed closely, taken everything in, even when talking myself. It’s exhausting.

I pick up on so much about people, that others won’t. Partly my hyper vigilance, but also because I am an avid observer of life.

I like talking about important, meaningful things. I don’t really like small talk, although I do participate in it, with people I have little in common with.

I do like humour and I have a sense of humour, which can be quite child-like at times, which I am aware is my inner child, needing to be heard and have joy. And that’s okay, in a safe context/situation.

I like and crave my own company now. I love writing, listening to music, singing, thinking, researching, day dreaming, dancing, helping others without the need to actually speak.

I have a very serious, deeply mature, constantly thinking, deeply processing, side of me. I have seen, endured, felt much in my life that has opened my eyes and mind widely to myself and humanity. I clearly see what is needed and where society is heading and I don’t like it.

And I also have a child-like, fragile, vulnerable, scared side to me, that has always sought to be looked after, loved, protected, cherished. Like a child should be. That I never had.

Both of these need to be taken care of in a careful way, and can only be expressed when I feel safe, secure, which is not often and around very few people.

I am guarded, always, except in my home. And increasingly more so in the security/safety of counselling. And the safest in the arms of Jesus.

I no longer need to go along with society’s unhealthy ways/needs/demands and I see clearly the harm they cause. I have the inner security and integrity to not do what isn’t okay, what isn’t healthy, avoid what leads people on a path of destruction and I am constantly aware of this.

I am an introvert in many ways.

Which is a new realisation for me. And like with anything, it takes me time to process it all.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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