Having always driven hard to be an extrovert, being someone who has always talked too much, I always assumed I was an extrovert, but still struggled with anxiety and actually hated everyone looking at me, hated public speaking, don’t even do well in groups talking.
Interestingly, the only thing I have ever been okay with being an extrovert about, is dancing. And that doesn’t involve speaking.
I like one-on-one talking. I get overwhelmed with several people. I struggle to take everything in as I process everything so deeply. Processing at the depth I do and being so vigilant, means I have to concentrate really hard and it’s impossible to watch closely when there are several people.
I’ve always observed closely, taken everything in, even when talking myself. It’s exhausting.
I pick up on so much about people, that others won’t. Partly my hyper vigilance, but also because I am an avid observer of life.
I like talking about important, meaningful things. I don’t really like small talk, although I do participate in it, with people I have little in common with.
I do like humour and I have a sense of humour, which can be quite child-like at times, which I am aware is my inner child, needing to be heard and have joy. And that’s okay, in a safe context/situation.
I like and crave my own company now. I love writing, listening to music, singing, thinking, researching, day dreaming, dancing, helping others without the need to actually speak.
I have a very serious, deeply mature, constantly thinking, deeply processing, side of me. I have seen, endured, felt much in my life that has opened my eyes and mind widely to myself and humanity. I clearly see what is needed and where society is heading and I don’t like it.
And I also have a child-like, fragile, vulnerable, scared side to me, that has always sought to be looked after, loved, protected, cherished. Like a child should be. That I never had.
Both of these need to be taken care of in a careful way, and can only be expressed when I feel safe, secure, which is not often and around very few people.
I am guarded, always, except in my home. And increasingly more so in the security/safety of counselling. And the safest in the arms of Jesus.
I no longer need to go along with society’s unhealthy ways/needs/demands and I see clearly the harm they cause. I have the inner security and integrity to not do what isn’t okay, what isn’t healthy, avoid what leads people on a path of destruction and I am constantly aware of this.
I am an introvert in many ways.
Which is a new realisation for me. And like with anything, it takes me time to process it all.