Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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This song allows me to feel/comfort my hurt, vulnerable, abandoned inner child.

I have listened to this so many times now. The lyrics, music, emotions, fragility in her voice, and even the child-like way Sia is herself, I relate to deeply, and this allows me to acknowledge, comfort and feel my very hurt inner child and feel safe to do so.

I have spent a long time trying to suppress this part of me, trying to be tougher than I actually am.

To acknowledge that vulnerable, hurt child-like part of me, has always felt deeply unsafe, because all my vulnerability has led to me being hurt in the worst possible ways, by so many people, all of whom, I should have been able to trust.

That core level fear I feel, and my highly developed protection system, normally never allows vulnerability and avoids it at all costs.

I know I need to have safe times and environments, when I can be the vulnerable, fragile girl I am. And times to be the strong, courageous, wise, open woman of integrity I also am.

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Why we stay: trauma bonding

This is good info about what a very difficult issue to deal with.

Avalanche of the soul

During my abusive relationship, I refused to leave more times than I can count. When I did leave, I soon returned. The justification that I gave to myself, and others, for this? Well, I loved him, of course!

I really didn’t feel capable of living without him. I was miserable, frightened, and angry at myself – and him – every time I let it go. I didn’t understand how I could love someone who treated me so appallingly. What was wrong with me, I wanted to know? Was I really so crazy I thought this was a normal expression of love? Why was I seemingly prepared to sacrifice so much – my hopes, dreams, financial security, and sense of self – to stay in what I knew was a destructive relationship?

It is only after getting out – struggling with feelings of grief and missing him so madly I thought…

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I can identify my emotional triggers/flashbacks, quickly.

Emotional flashbacks and triggers to them, are harder to identify and manage than visual flashbacks. In visual ones you know it’s about the past, because you have a picture of the trauma.

When strong emotions occur, that are not needed for the current situation, or are exaggerated for the current situation, then I know emotional flashbacks are occurring.

It doesn’t mean the situation that triggered this is not an issue. I easily pick up on ‘wrong’ things and red flags and this is accurate discernment, but my emotional level is sometimes more than is needed.

This happened just now.

Someone on Twitter, told me I am not doing enough and I need to get back to helping the way she needs. Considering how much time I spend on ‘helping’ others, a min of 8 hours a day, writing, sharing encouraging, validating, managing a FB group, Twitter, my Blog here and my Website – no-one healthy could ever accuse me of not doing enough. And I am a healing survivor myself and I am a wife and mother too.

But these comments hurt. I felt like I wanted to cry. An emotional flashbacks to being told I am not good enough. Only good enough to be treated badly, abused, hurt, lied to.

I know 100% intellectually that I do way more than I need to, in helping others. It isn’t what everyone needs and I am okay with that. What I do, can’t help everyone and I am okay with that too. Continue reading