Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I think I need to develop some ‘I don’t care, not my problem, is it’

I don’t have this capacity to switch off my conscience, my empathy, my sense of needing to deal with things fully, when other people are being harmed.

I know most other people do, and it’s selfish, apathy and self serving.

Some people will wrap it up with pretty bow, and call it boundaries, or compassion, or grace. Which is bullshit. And very dishonest of people to suggest so.

But, maybe for my own healing, considering all I have been through, maybe I need to develop this self serving crap. To survive in this pathetically weak society I have to exist in.

Maybe I should think “I don’t care if a narcissistic, lying, manipulative, self serving, abusive man is a pastor at a church. I don’t care. I’m outta there. They can all deal with it and get lied to etc. Their problem. I’m okay, I’m safe from it all, who gives a shit if many others are being deceived…..not my problem is it”.

Maybe I should not care that abuse is increasing, and so many people are suffering and most of society doesn’t give a shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t care that millions are affected badly, but this pathetic society view, that physical health – even if self inflicted, is still a priority over mental health – which hasn’t been self inflicted. Continue reading

Down the black hole. Again.

I am tortured by my mind.

By my PTSD.
By my past, which is never in the past, because of PTSD.
By my constant physical and mental exhaustion.
By my deep understanding of humanity.
By deep fear of humanity.
By my awareness of all the harm, abuse and suffering occurring, everywhere.
By my empathy that feels the pain so many others go through.
By the understanding I now have, of knowing I loved many people, who didn’t love me at all and hurt me.
By my understanding I have no-one in my life who understands me and loves me the way I need.
By depression.
By grieving.
By guilt that my husband and children are affected by my PTSD.
By my thoughts of wanting the pain of all this to end.

I don’t have an off switch for any of this. My brain and all these are continually switched on. And constantly whirring around in my brain, night and day.

It never stops.

I never have any peace.

Just times where I pretend to feel better, but it is simply that, pretending.

I pretended and forced myself to do/seem better at my last two counselling appointments, because I knew she was going away for 7 weeks, and it is like a survival mode I go into. That need to think, I ‘must’ be okay, because the opposite, is not okay.

But, the reality is, I am never okay.

I am tortured by my mind, night and day.

Severe PTSD long term, reduces lifespan.

I’ve read that long term PTSD shortens lifespan. I’ve read this before and just ignored it, as this is too hard to deal with.

I’ve had PTSD since childhood and had chronic fear, anxiety, stress, pain, depression etc since childhood and I am aware this is a massive amount of stress on my body.

Let alone the effect this all has on mental health, and my PTSD has become worse and worse.

I read about a man, who’s mother died when he was a teenager, due to her having medical problems induced by PTSD. I immediately thought about my children, and how I don’t want this to happen to them. I don’t want them to lose their mother in their teens, or even in their 20’s. I don’t want to not see my grandchildren.

I’m aware my PTSD is severe. It is life threatening at times. My nightmares are regular. The intrusive thoughts are every day. My anxiety is bad, I get hives often. My hyper vigilance is out of control. My energy levels are really low and sometimes I have said, I feel like an old woman, physically. I do often. And the amount my body has been through, it is like an old woman. My body has been through so much. Continue reading


It hits me like a punch in the stomach at times, just how much abuse I have endured.

I know my trauma history is not the worst, but it is pretty bad. Many abusers. From Birth. Every kind of abuse. Severe abuse. Over prolonged periods of time. All the important people in my life.

The reality of this, sometimes hits me full force.

Like just now. While talking to a mental health professional who provides counselling on a ranch for victims of abuse. I explained I have had all the top 3 causes of PTSD; prolonged child abuse, domestic violence, rape, so I empathise with many survivors.

And stating those three types of abuse, in no way explains the severity, or how horrendous it is to endure it repeatedly over long periods of time.

It’s too much.

And the words of another incredibly brave survivor ‘It is a lifelong sentence, it never leaves you’. And he has a mother and family members, who love him and care about him.

It hits me like a huge wave of fear, pain, grief and it makes it hard to breathe. Continue reading

Everywhere I look, there are entitled, selfish people. But, I am the freak/weird.

My husband wanted to take a trip to a shopping centre near an airport where we live. *sigh. Shopping centres, hold no interest for me anymore. In fact, I do not like being surrounded by all the materialistic stuff, I do not wish to ‘buy into’ anymore. I see clearly how materialism and consumerism are not healthy and not needed and not good for society.

Sure, I go when we ‘need’ stuff. But that is all.

But, my husband wanted to go, and our son needed a new pair of soccer boots, so, off we went. As usual hives occurring.

On the way, on the highway, there were several trucks and cars, all tail-gating other drivers. And I mean, so close it was ridiculous. A huge truck, was so close to this little red car, that is was highly dangerous.

And this Aussie way many have of tail-gating (it is way worse here than in other countries) is down right dangerous.

These drivers feel ‘entitled’ to drive too close, knowing it is wrong and knowing it is dangerous. They do not care about the danger this poses for others. They ‘want’ to tail-gate and so they will.

Such poor mental health to do this. It isn’t just being an asshole – because within every asshole, there is poor mental health occurring.
Continue reading