Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I think I need to develop some ‘I don’t care, not my problem, is it’

I don’t have this capacity to switch off my conscience, my empathy, my sense of needing to deal with things fully, when other people are being harmed.

I know most other people do, and it’s selfish, apathy and self serving.

Some people will wrap it up with pretty bow, and call it boundaries, or compassion, or grace. Which is bullshit. And very dishonest of people to suggest so.

But, maybe for my own healing, considering all I have been through, maybe I need to develop this self serving crap. To survive in this pathetically weak society I have to exist in.

Maybe I should think “I don’t care if a narcissistic, lying, manipulative, self serving, abusive man is a pastor at a church. I don’t care. I’m outta there. They can all deal with it and get lied to etc. Their problem. I’m okay, I’m safe from it all, who gives a shit if many others are being deceived…..not my problem is it”.

Maybe I should not care that abuse is increasing, and so many people are suffering and most of society doesn’t give a shit.

Maybe I shouldn’t care that millions are affected badly, but this pathetic society view, that physical health – even if self inflicted, is still a priority over mental health – which hasn’t been self inflicted.

Why am I bothering to care?

Why am I bothering to try and do good?

Why am I willing to risk my own health, to help others.

Maybe, I just need to become as selfish and self serving as everyone else.

Fuck doing good. Fuck doing the right thing. Fuck caring about others.

Maybe, I just need to be like everyone else I know.

Really fucking selfish.

Update 11/07/14.

I was in a really bad mood when I wrote this. I was venting my sheer distress at seeing so much apathy and selfishness and feeling the overwhelming amount of this I have endured myself, as well as knowing the amount of this that harms so many others.

It overwhelms me to the point where I feel like I should just cut off how much I care altogether and just have the ‘well if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ attitude.

Which is never going to happen for me, because I could not ever be that person, or act that way.

Even though, I am sure it would be so much easier.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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