Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Really bad memories, caused by music. The Cure – Lullaby.

Watching a TV program tonight and this song came on.

Immediately my mind jumped straight into truly horrific memories.

Some people give in to such evil that makes them want to harm others in truly evil, torturous ways.

I used to listen to the radio constantly whilst in captivity and I used to record all the songs on tape, that I liked and listened to them over and over and over. They were my only company. My only friends. Music helped me survive.

This song was a reflection of the perverse, darkness I was trapped within.

The Cure made very dark music.

And I know this was at the height of my suicide ideation coping. Death was my ‘get out’ way of ending the pain, that he didn’t have control over. I had control and I could end it if I needed to and he couldn’t make me suffer anymore.

I researched this song and found out it is about a child being sexually abused. I instinctively knew it was about abuse and that is why I related to it as teenager and the current situation I was in. Well in fact related to my childhood, as I was always surrounded by darkness, I just didn’t understand why, then. Now I do.

Put on God’s armour, and get ready for the battle.

I am very used to having to put on my battle armour. Suit up, and get ready for the shit to come my way.

That’s life.

I don’t need to fight every battle, but some have to be fought. We need to pick our battles wisely and know our heart intentions for picking them.

It takes it out of me, but my integrity and courage always trumps. And I know I will be protected by God, walking with Jesus’ arms around me, all the way.

Evil prevails, when good people do nothing.

Wise advice.

Avoiding doing what is right, is weak, selfish and apathetic.

I am not any of those.

And God knows that too ❤


Covert victim blaming ‘You were given this life, because you are strong enough to endure it’.

I hate this kind of ongoing covert victim blaming.

Society loves it and perpetuates it continually. It is BS and further abuse.

I wrote these two posts about this on my page…

I really dislike the quote ‘you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it’.

Such BS.

This is a form of victim blaming. You are ‘strong enough’ therefore you got it all.

I was given my life – by abusers- and all the abuse in it, ‘regardless’ of whether I am strong enough to live it, or not.

Many people have lives that are too painful to endure. Many end their lives or feel suicidal, that does not mean they are not strong enough.

I wish all these covert forms of victim blaming, did not exist and were not encouraged by society.

Particularly abuse survivors themselves.

And then followed it up with..

Further to my last post about the ‘victim blaming quote’ – ‘You were given this life because you are strong enough to endure it’…

I will also add…..

I do believe ‘some’ can become stronger for it, but that does not in any way mean that is why we had to endure it.

For some, it destroys them completely.

We weren’t ‘given’ it because we are strong enough, at all.

Our abusers didn’t think to themselves ‘I’m only going to hurt her/him, because she/he is strong enough to endure it’. They didn’t care at all, if we were strong enough to endure it. In fact, some abusers wanted the abuse to destroy us.

I don’t like any forms of victim blaming and I won’t tolerate them.

Society is very unhealthy in many of it’s views about abuse and I stand up against them all.

I also dislike and will not tolerate other victim blaming such as;

– Suggesting God ‘gives’ you abuse to in some way teach you something – BS. God is pure perfect love and wants no-one to suffer. But, due to free will, people make choices for others to suffer, and God will use those situations, for His needs, with our best interests always at heart.

– Karma, Laws of Attraction, Buddhism – all forms of victim blaming to suggest you deserve it, need it, encouraged it. BS, all of it.

The blame for abuse is always and only the abusers – they made the choices to abuse. End of.

They also could have chosen, not to abuse. But they didn’t.

There needs to be people willing to speak the truth.

Why this is the perfect quote for me…I must be a mermaid..

This is the perfect quote for me. I am completely unafraid to delve into my own depths of my own soul, and have done, all the good, bad and ugly. I see very clearly the good, bad and ugly in society.

I don’t ‘do’ shallow, in anything in life. I do most things to a really deep level, thinking, processing, honesty, love, fear, emotions, wisdom…etc.

But, there a few things I don’t do, trust, believe in humanity being good. I have seen too much, endured too much, know human behaviour too well, to ever trust, or be fooled into believing humanity is good.

I try to build trust in people. And then usually something happens, a person’s human behaviour becomes revealed, and it scares the shit out of me, and I retreat.

I usually know when someone is avoiding something. I know my doctor is avoiding speaking to me about something really important to me, so I am guessing it is bad news and something that I will feel bad about. I’ve picked up on things, put them together, including what subject I brought up, that quickly led to our session being ended, with the reason given that ‘other people were waiting’. There was no-one waiting in the reception area.

I hate it when people treat me like I am stupid. I’m not. Continue reading