Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why this is the perfect quote for me…I must be a mermaid..

This is the perfect quote for me. I am completely unafraid to delve into my own depths of my own soul, and have done, all the good, bad and ugly. I see very clearly the good, bad and ugly in society.

I don’t ‘do’ shallow, in anything in life. I do most things to a really deep level, thinking, processing, honesty, love, fear, emotions, wisdom…etc.

But, there a few things I don’t do, trust, believe in humanity being good. I have seen too much, endured too much, know human behaviour too well, to ever trust, or be fooled into believing humanity is good.

I try to build trust in people. And then usually something happens, a person’s human behaviour becomes revealed, and it scares the shit out of me, and I retreat.

I usually know when someone is avoiding something. I know my doctor is avoiding speaking to me about something really important to me, so I am guessing it is bad news and something that I will feel bad about. I’ve picked up on things, put them together, including what subject I brought up, that quickly led to our session being ended, with the reason given that ‘other people were waiting’. There was no-one waiting in the reception area.

I hate it when people treat me like I am stupid. I’m not.

I hate it when I know someone is not being upfront with me and I pick up on that and then I am left wondering why.

Whenever this happens, and it happens with everyone, I immediately go to protection mode and think ‘okay I cannot trust this person’. I know people act out of selfish reasons, more than any other reason. And I know this is part of the reason my mood has lowered in the last few days. It’s taken me until today, to finally process this and know this is bothering me greatly.

I have always said, trying to trust people, has always been my greatest form of self harm.

I’m not afraid to delve into the minds of humanity, see all that society does that is so unhealthy. I don’t do shallow, or avoid the depths of things I see.

But, I do need to avoid all that are in the shallows, because they are the ones, that hurt you, let you down, betray you and not give a second thought about it.

And that is sadly, most people. In fact, according to my doctor that is 100% of people.

So no, trusting people, not ever gonna happen.

I trust, no-one.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

Comments are closed.