Every time I have a period of happiness, of something good for myself, about myself, it is always followed by a big low of emotions and I have not yet fully processed why.
I know part of it, is due to being conditioned all through my childhood that I didn’t deserve anything good. I only deserved bad things, to be put down, be the family scapegoat – which was severe emotional and psychological abuse.
Part of it is probably my sense of self worth, which is increasing, but still not fully healed from all the damage of so much abuse.
I was so happy yesterday and yet right now I want to cry and I don’t know why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, so I know this is emotional stuff from the past.
It’s like all the people who have abused me, have programed my mind, to never fully accept good things about myself.
I have many professional people validating my work and my depth of understanding life. I’ve had the American Psychiatric Association, use my posts. I’ve had one of my huge inspirations – Pete Walker – commend me on my work, my Website and what I do – which is a huge deal for me.
I do realise on an intellectual level, this is really sound validation and support of my work. And I was really happy yesterday, but why can’t I hold on to that?
I can never hold on to it, for more than a short period of time. It’s like the toxic shame forced upon me by decades of abuse, trickles in and spoils any long term happiness I can have about anything I achieve, anything I do that is of virtue and worth, that deserves recognition, praise, appreciation.
Pete Walker would probably say it is the inner critic covertly working away in me that I don’t even realise. And emotional flashbacks to being told I am not worth anything by people’s abusive words and abusive actions, over and over, for decades.
I realise this is all okay and it takes time to heal. And I am healing, I know that, praise Jesus ❤
But, I'm way too honest to pretend and just put on a smile and tell everyone I'm okay, except around my children. So I use my blog here to vent and express where I am at.
I know to heal, I have to be honest, raw, real about all this.
One thing for sure though, I am not a narcissist who is 'up' myself and believes I am great and wonderful and amazing and has an ego way beyond actual capacity – like narcs do.
I know I am none of those things and don't want to be either.
But, I would like to feel some long term happiness relating to myself, and not just for others.