Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

There’s always a low period, after any period of happiness for myself…

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Every time I have a period of happiness, of something good for myself, about myself, it is always followed by a big low of emotions and I have not yet fully processed why.

I know part of it, is due to being conditioned all through my childhood that I didn’t deserve anything good. I only deserved bad things, to be put down, be the family scapegoat – which was severe emotional and psychological abuse.

Part of it is probably my sense of self worth, which is increasing, but still not fully healed from all the damage of so much abuse.

I was so happy yesterday and yet right now I want to cry and I don’t know why. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened, so I know this is emotional stuff from the past.

It’s like all the people who have abused me, have programed my mind, to never fully accept good things about myself.

I have many professional people validating my work and my depth of understanding life. I’ve had the American Psychiatric Association, use my posts. I’ve had one of my huge inspirations – Pete Walker – commend me on my work, my Website and what I do – which is a huge deal for me.

I do realise on an intellectual level, this is really sound validation and support of my work. And I was really happy yesterday, but why can’t I hold on to that?

I can never hold on to it, for more than a short period of time. It’s like the toxic shame forced upon me by decades of abuse, trickles in and spoils any long term happiness I can have about anything I achieve, anything I do that is of virtue and worth, that deserves recognition, praise, appreciation.

Pete Walker would probably say it is the inner critic covertly working away in me that I don’t even realise. And emotional flashbacks to being told I am not worth anything by people’s abusive words and abusive actions, over and over, for decades.

I realise this is all okay and it takes time to heal. And I am healing, I know that, praise Jesus ❤

But, I'm way too honest to pretend and just put on a smile and tell everyone I'm okay, except around my children. So I use my blog here to vent and express where I am at.

I know to heal, I have to be honest, raw, real about all this.

One thing for sure though, I am not a narcissist who is 'up' myself and believes I am great and wonderful and amazing and has an ego way beyond actual capacity – like narcs do.

I know I am none of those things and don't want to be either.

But, I would like to feel some long term happiness relating to myself, and not just for others.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

6 thoughts on “There’s always a low period, after any period of happiness for myself…

  1. I have this too, and I wonder now if it isn’t a part of the abuse cycle conditioning, honeymoon period and THEN the build up, you know your happiness is not meant to last . . . I hope you enjoy some happiness for an extended period of time. I think you are on your way.

    • I’m sorry you have this too, as I don’t want anyone to go through this hard stuff.

      I think you are right, it is part of the abuse conditioning and it is really hard to change.

      This is one of those ‘I know intellectually what is happening, but my heat and soul have not caught up yet’ situations.

      It takes time and it’s a journey.

  2. Thank you for honestly sharing this; it certainly resonates with me. I wonder if I’ll ever be “normal”, or at least able to have a functional, healthy emotional life. Learning about this narcissistic/sociopathic personality disorder, especially that I was raised by someone with at least very strong narc tendencies, has really been life-altering. I see what a huge issue this is and the magnitude of the damage that’s been done. What you’re talking about here seems to be yet another example of the fallout of, as you say, years of conditioning to believe unhealthy, untrue things about ourselves and about life. What you’re doing to validate those who have suffered similar abuse is so valuable. Fervently defending truth and justice as you’re doing is so meaningful and so needed. As I’ve said, I am so grateful and I see through others’ comments how much you’re helping others too. Bravo and well-done! My heart goes out to you as you continue on your journey seeking truth, health and wholeness. 🙂

    • Thank you for your kind words about my writing and how it helps others ❤

      It is healthy for you to know how damaging narc/sociopathic abuse is and to not minimize that. How we feel is totally understandable and normal for what we have endured.

      I am very passionate about survivors of all kinds of abuse, not invalidating their pain, and not allowing others to either.

      We are on a journey and it takes time ❤

  3. I as well struggle with it….Im always bracingmyself for the bad coming around the corner. Some money comes in and Im thinking ..so whats going to break down so its all eaten up….I think that with someone being nice….waiting for the negative punch coming up…..Its tormenting

  4. I remember the moment, when I was nine years old and looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, that I realized that every moment of happiness I had was followed by a period of being really sad and anxious. It terrified me. I had never heard of bipolar disorder and I was too young to realize that what was happening to me was child abuse. I just thought there was something deeply wrong with me, and I became afraid of happiness.