Woke up at around 4am’ish, from a nightmare. A nightmare about severe abuse no-one should ever even know about, let alone endure, feel such pain and suffering.
To re-experience this kind of abuse, always seems so deeply cruel. Wasn’t it enough that I had to suffer at that time, do I have to keep enduring it over and over? Seems like I do. Because I am.
It feels like I am being punished, ‘getting what I deserve’, as I was told in the past. Repeatedly.
I do try really hard to be as positive as I can, but days like today are so hard. Already tired, waking up with major anxiety from the nightmare, is not the best way to start your day.
On days like today, I wonder if I will ever be free of PTSD? Free of nightmares? Free of re-experiencing severe sexual abuse, I never deserved and should never have endured?
I know people say PTSD can sometimes be healed, but for some, it is a lifelong disorder. And I know, I have all the worst factors that contribute to it being far more likely to be lifelong; abuse from birth, severe abuse of every kind, multiple abusers, multiple trauma, spread out over decades, therapy not sought until decades after worst trauma, PTSD severe, CPTSD severe….
I do believe in Jesus’ healing and I know I have to remain hopeful, but it’s hard to stay hopeful, when exhausted, tired, and truly O V E R re-experiencing trauma. Having high levels of anxiety, feeling unsafe anywhere, but at home.
It’s during times like today, I can feel my thoughts spiralling downwards, those negative emotions of depression and hopelessness wanting to take hold of my mind completely and exhaustion prevents me from fighting it.
I feel like someone in a constant battle, constantly having to fight for my survival. Still.
A battle some days I lose, and don’t feel hopeful this will ever end.
People say ‘you must never give up hope’, ‘you must fight every day’, ‘you must be strong’…
Sometimes, it’s okay to not be able to. No-one can battle endlessly and never become too tired to pick up the sword and keep fighting each day. It is okay, to put down the sword, lie down, and say, I’m too tired for this today.
And admit I cannot be strong every day. And it isn’t weakness, because I have been battling PTSD all my life, so I need to give myself a break and have self compassion. To know it’s okay to lie down, pull the blanket up over my head and say nope…..I can’t do this right now.