Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

It continues to be a never ending, exhausting battle for survival.

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Woke up at around 4am’ish, from a nightmare. A nightmare about severe abuse no-one should ever even know about, let alone endure, feel such pain and suffering.

To re-experience this kind of abuse, always seems so deeply cruel. Wasn’t it enough that I had to suffer at that time, do I have to keep enduring it over and over? Seems like I do. Because I am.

It feels like I am being punished, ‘getting what I deserve’, as I was told in the past. Repeatedly.

I do try really hard to be as positive as I can, but days like today are so hard. Already tired, waking up with major anxiety from the nightmare, is not the best way to start your day.

On days like today, I wonder if I will ever be free of PTSD? Free of nightmares? Free of re-experiencing severe sexual abuse, I never deserved and should never have endured?

I know people say PTSD can sometimes be healed, but for some, it is a lifelong disorder. And I know, I have all the worst factors that contribute to it being far more likely to be lifelong; abuse from birth, severe abuse of every kind, multiple abusers, multiple trauma, spread out over decades, therapy not sought until decades after worst trauma, PTSD severe, CPTSD severe….

I do believe in Jesus’ healing and I know I have to remain hopeful, but it’s hard to stay hopeful, when exhausted, tired, and truly O V E R re-experiencing trauma. Having high levels of anxiety, feeling unsafe anywhere, but at home.

It’s during times like today, I can feel my thoughts spiralling downwards, those negative emotions of depression and hopelessness wanting to take hold of my mind completely and exhaustion prevents me from fighting it.

I feel like someone in a constant battle, constantly having to fight for my survival. Still.

A battle some days I lose, and don’t feel hopeful this will ever end.

People say ‘you must never give up hope’, ‘you must fight every day’, ‘you must be strong’…

Sometimes, it’s okay to not be able to. No-one can battle endlessly and never become too tired to pick up the sword and keep fighting each day. It is okay, to put down the sword, lie down, and say, I’m too tired for this today.

And admit I cannot be strong every day. And it isn’t weakness, because I have been battling PTSD all my life, so I need to give myself a break and have self compassion. To know it’s okay to lie down, pull the blanket up over my head and say nope…..I can’t do this right now.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “It continues to be a never ending, exhausting battle for survival.

  1. Reblogged this on 18mitzvot: 4 out of 5 dentists recommend this blog. and commented:
    This is a beautiful post. I like the love she gives herself at the end.

  2. Reblogged this on From guestwriters and commented:
    Posttraumatic stress disorder does not have to be a lifelong disorder. Being exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, warfare, serious injury, or threats of imminent death may result in feelings of intense fear, horror, and powerlessness and for sure can make it that we carry the memories of it and the anxiety with it all our life with us. But it has not to derange us for all our lifetime. The bad experiences which we encountered we can use also for the good, conquering the problems it gave us and helping others with the bad experience we had.
    In case we allow the bad experience get deep into us and let it make us depressed, we allow it to conquer us. We should try to make ourselves stronger than the experience, how bad it might be, and stand up against it, showing our teeth or or ‘balls’.
    Jehovah God also provided a solution for all the evil in this world and brought salvation for our pains and worries. By the death of His son we are saved. When we accept the sacrificial offer of Jesus Christ, the son of God, we can find solace, but we must know that shail not take away the temptations, the tribulations, the pains, a.o. we shall have to endure whilst in this time system.
    It is in god and in His son we must put our hope and look forward to the return of Christ and the coming Kingdom of God.
    In the meantime we can trust the Most High He will protect us and never let things test us more than we can bear. But when we are victim of bad events we should let us get down and let evil win. The adversary of God, (Satan) which can be any or every person, shall be able to feel our doubt and try us out. We should stand strong.
    It is impossible to be strong every day, or to feel at ease or to be happy all the time. We have to face our ups and downs and be aware we have more strength in us than we ever would think. It is there deep in us, but we ourselves have to dig after it.
    And yes at moments we do have to give ourself a break, but having self compassion shall never help. Self-pity is the thing we can miss most. Though it does not mean we can not have days that we just find it okay to lie down, pull the blanket up over our head and say nope…..”I can’t do this right now.” But know that there is tomorrow again a day and than it would be possible perhaps. Just get up and try to do it. You can!

  3. Thanks for sharing and (((Hugs))). When I start to beat myself up I remember that I must treat myself as I would treat a dear friend. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend today.
    Love, Pearl

  4. I discovered your blog only fairly recently and have not read many of your posts. But I do understand that you have a professional team to assist your healing and daily-life management. So I imagine you and they are aware of the range of approaches that often are helpful in dealing with (C)PTSD. I am a former therapist but out of the field many years now, so I am not fully abreast of it all myself. However, I have done some reading and tracking with some related types of approaches which are often amazingly effective.

    I thought I should mention this for other readers as well as potentially for you, although your therapist(s) may well be aware or perhaps using one or another aspect of these. They group around some techniques which seem to blend principles of cognitive re-structuring with powerful though subtle neurological reprogramming. The latter remain poorly understood (maybe why these approaches have not become more mainstream although they are no longer new). I’m not sure all the names they may go under now, but one set, probably the earliest, sometimes goes under the term “thought field therapy” (started by Dr. Roger Callaghan). It seems to overlap some with EMDR, utilizing eye movements, which IS known about probably more broadly and has developed many refinements and applications over the couple decades or so of its use.

    If anyone is so inclined, there are books easily obtainable, often from libraries (I have no idea how many, but have read at least a couple of them which are now several years old). One of them is Callaghan’s own, written after many years of using and refining his TFT approaches, titled “Tapping the Healer Within” (it uses fairly simple tapping protocols primarily, and they often are surprisingly powerful, although of course there is no single “magic bullet”). Another book that is several years old was written by two professional therapists after using TFT approaches with many clients. It has both applications for “end users” as well as more background and “theory” (if I recall rightly) than does Callaghan’s book, which is even closer to a pure “manual”. That book is “Instant Emotional Healing: Accupressure for the Emotions” by Pratt and Lambrou. (I am only familiar with the 2000 ed. I see they have a 2006 one as well.) There may be books and/or approaches that are even better (and newer) than these examples for a given person…. And these practitioners all recognize that everyone is different in their precise bodily, neurological, etc. make-up, so there is no “one-size-fits-all” formula.

  5. Ah, mate. Yep, I hear that 😦