Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


I will rarely, if ever, meet ‘my people’. Realisations that hit hard.

“Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people” ~ Lana Del Rey – Ride (Extended version).

All this processing about myself, understanding who I am, realising I am what some describe as an ‘old soul’, knowing I am indeed very different to most people, and beyond my years in wisdom, is necessary and I need to do this, to understand myself fully..

But also highlights, that I will rarely find anyone who is like me.

I’ve wanted my ‘family’, or at least people who ‘get me’ all my life. People who are there for me, in the capacity I need.

And I won’t have this.

I’m getting better at realising I am an introvert and now I do cherish and enjoy my own company. But, I am honest to know I still have that need within me to find ‘my people’.

I face continuing a life of loneliness, from lacking connections I need – emotionally for my inner child, or on a level of maturity and wisdom for my old soul, or on a level of spiritual progression, as I have been told I have bypassed where most church people will remain. Continue reading

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Am I too hard on people, or are most people capable of more…?

Having processed my level of wisdom is beyond my years and this is why I feel very different to so many people around me, and see so much harm, abuse, unhealthy focusses and society travelling in the wrong direction…

I want others to know and see there is more to life, there are people who need help and society is immature and increasingly so.

I read that the level of maturity people are meant to reach at 30, most now don’t reach until 50, and the level meant to be reached at 50, most never reach.

And I see many reasons why.

My heart is that I do not want this for anyone, for society. I don’t want this harm it’s causing, I want people to learn what I have. I want to people to have less of all I see in life that is not of virtue.

But, am I asking too much of people? Continue reading

My journey, is knowing and developing who I really am, part of my healing.

I have endured a considerable amount of abuse of every kind in my life. I always had very low self esteem, low self worth, was aware I was different and hated it, tried hard to fit in and always ‘knew’ that so much of what was occurring in society, in the world, was not okay.

Over the last 2 years, I have deeply processed my past, who people from my past were/are, their issues, and all that has occurred to me. And it has been deeply painful, and pushed me to the very edge of my capacity to cope.

More importantly, I have been deeply processing who I am. And who I am not – all the abusive things said to me and all the abusive ways people have treated me. And how I am none of that. This was all their darkness, their mental health issues, projected onto me, their darkness, they made me endure.

Everything that has continually confused me, all I have seen, people’s actions, behaviours that I have noticed, that I knew were not okay, I now understand why.

I understand now, why I have always known I am different and felt very alone as a result. Why I have little in common with so many people and find people immature, regardless if their IQ levels. IQ not being enough to enable people to act with decency, honesty, integrity, wisdom, or empathy. After all many psychopaths/sociopaths are very smart.

I have processed, I am a wise, courageous, vigilant, insightful, empathic, old soul….combined with a fragile, abandoned, hurt, abused, scared inner child. But, my inner child is healing, which is good.

My levels of introspection, empathy, self honesty, courage, vigilance, cognitive processing, and seeing the bigger picture, are beyond my years and I know that. And beyond most people.

And I know this is combination of God creating me this way, as an old soul – as I have been since childhood – and also through the unusual life I have lived compared to many around me. This teaching me so much – but because I have been willing to learn through it – which is down to my heart and soul.

I think about all I have learned and processed in the last 2 years and I wonder what will occur in my life in the coming years, as I am still learning and will always be growing.

Society’s immaturity, selecting what is considered more ‘tragic’.

The recent Malaysian plane allegedly being shot down, is a tragedy. It is terrible and is getting a lot of media attention and I see why.

But, to me their human life lost is no more tragic, than all the tragedy I see occurring everywhere. The tragedy of human life lost by human force, in war, violence, abuse, human trafficking, starving people etc.

All human life to me is precious and every single life harmed and ended by human sin, is a tragedy. But, I see so clearly that rich societies pick and choose what is considered more tragic than other human life lost.

The lives lost on the plane, is a tragedy and obviously a terrible crime, but no more of a tragedy than lives lost every second, of every day, through human trafficking, or domestic violence, or child abuse, or murder, or starvation, or war. Millions every year.

But, most people around me won’t see that.

They will see that under 300 lives lost on the plane, is a tragedy, as that is really obvious, but not the millions who suffer and lose their lives every year – at the hands of human force.

Society is filled with apathy and being numb to tragedy all around. They mostly fail to see the bigger picture and only focus on what they could relate to – and everyone in rich society can relate to how they would feel if they were in a plane shot down, or who they would feel if that happened to a loved one.

But, they don’t have the empathy, to think about what it must be like to starve to death, or severe abuse that ends in death, or how terrifying it is to live in a war zone. I can put myself in the shoes of all these and imagine what their lives are like and feel their emotions, of terror, pain and suffering, because I have real empathy, that can understand and feel the lives of people I have not experienced.

It is part of my greater maturity and empathy, that enables me to see the bigger picture all around the world and not just select certain tragedies, whilst ignoring and not caring about others.

No human life is more precious than another. And I struggle to say that sometimes, due to all the abusers I have endured. But, I have always known I don’t wish them dead, or to suffer. Be accountable fully for what they have done, face the consequences and reduce the possibility of them hurting others. But, I have never wished them death, or suffering, or anything bad.

I know I think about things on a much deeper and wider level, than most around me, a level of maturity and wisdom, I know is beyond my age and most people within the society I reside.

I do believe the recent plane crash is a tragedy, a terrible crime, but no more than all the tragedy and crime to humanity, I see occurring everywhere – that doesn’t become big news.