“Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people” ~ Lana Del Rey – Ride (Extended version).
All this processing about myself, understanding who I am, realising I am what some describe as an ‘old soul’, knowing I am indeed very different to most people, and beyond my years in wisdom, is necessary and I need to do this, to understand myself fully..
But also highlights, that I will rarely find anyone who is like me.
I’ve wanted my ‘family’, or at least people who ‘get me’ all my life. People who are there for me, in the capacity I need.
And I won’t have this.
I’m getting better at realising I am an introvert and now I do cherish and enjoy my own company. But, I am honest to know I still have that need within me to find ‘my people’.
I face continuing a life of loneliness, from lacking connections I need – emotionally for my inner child, or on a level of maturity and wisdom for my old soul, or on a level of spiritual progression, as I have been told I have bypassed where most church people will remain.
So whilst all this maturity and wisdom understanding is good, the thought of that ongoing loneliness for the rest of my life, is hard to accept. There are parts of me that don’t want to be lonely.
But, I always have been lonely. And it would seem, I always will be.
And right now, that is really depressing, and painful.