A lot of the processing I do, isn’t bringing happiness. It’s the reality of the world I live in, what it is driven by, who it is driven by, and how much abuse, harm, terror, pain and suffering there is the world.
The processing I do about myself, just makes me more and more aware, of how ‘alien’ I am and that is indeed how I feel.
I feel very detached from this world. I feel very alone, in human terms. I’m trying really hard to be okay with that.
As my depression increases, as always, my PTSD symptoms increase. My anxiety, irritation etc, has all increased. We have some issues going on as well that are causing me stress. My car has broken down and it will cost a lot to fix it. I can’t get my children to school, so they are home. It’s all adding to my stress and it’s overwhelming me.
Every noise is irritating me beyond my capacity to control or reason about right now, and that is always an indicator to me that my PTSD is increasing too much. My children have already been to their rooms to separate them, due to fighting and screeching.
Being a mother and having PTSD, is not fun. Being a mother is a tough gig for anyone, having PTSD and depression, makes it harder. And then of course, there is the guilt that goes with that.
I just want to lie down and cry and go to sleep.
I’ve not been sleeping well either over the last week, so that’s adding to it.
I know exactly what is happening, I know why, I know what’s causing it, and I know it’s okay I feel this way, and to have self compassion.
I have insight and know how to work out what is occurring.
And yet, I still want to go and lie down, cry and go to sleep.