Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

I am really angry and I have a right to be. It is righteous anger.


I was abused by an associate church pastor. I did what was needed and told others, others who needed to know.

The only reason a formal investigation occurred, was because I had the guts to post the truth on this blog. My doctor didn’t believe this was the right thing to do at the time and made that very obvious, but it was what led to the formal complaint. So, I know it was the right and needed choice to force an outcome required. It would of all been kept hush hush otherwise.

A mediation occurred, where it became even more obvious to me, the narcissism of this man and his wife, who were only concerned about their image and narc rage clearly on display from the pastor and tears only for herself from the wife.

That led to a formal complaint. The formal complaint went ahead and dragged on for months. I told the three investigators the pastor was a liar, a narcissist, an abuser. I invited all these people into this situation to deal with it appropriately.

All the while, my anxiety and stress was massive, but I did it all anyway, because it was needed. I couldn’t walk away from it and ignore the abuse and the narcissism, which I knew would hurt more people. I knew the truth had to be spoken, no matter how much suffering, it caused me.

These people involved in dealing with all this, all consider themselves intelligent, mature and mature Christians. All will claim to know far more of the Bible than I do. Three of them know about psychology.

Yet they failed to listen to me, failed to understand the seriousness of what I was telling them. And they all collectively failed to deal with this situation appropriately.

That pastor had/has no remorse, no ownership of what he did, no conscience, no repentance. He lied, manipulated, projected, minimized and abused me further.

The report was clearly BS and people know that. My doctor confirmed that. But, nothing has been done and I have known since then, this situation needs taking further. But, what’s the point, when I have no-one with enough insight, or emotional intelligence and spiritual courage to help me deal with this. They were all tested in this, and they all failed.

And now that pastor’s ego is so inflated, that despite all of what occurred and all the harm he knows he caused, all the lies he knows he told, and the complete failure by all those who dealt with this, he is now going to be a senior pastor, in another church.

Another church that will be infected with his lies, his ego, his narcissism and that of his wife, and more harm, more spiritual and emotional abuse will occur and possibly other forms of abuse too.

All in the name of God.

I was 100% right all along. About who and what he is. And I am the only one who cares about this and how this will now affect other people.

And it’s too late now, for people to tell me his promotion ‘is a bad decision by the Baptist Union and by the church’. The time to deal with it, was when the BS investigation report was done.

So yes, I am angry.

Myself and many others, have been let down. Abused. Spiritually abused.

Myself, a whole church full of people, and soon another whole church full of people.

Because no-one would listen to what I was saying and the truth. No-one trusted that my insight and discernment was great, they all believed they knew better than me and their own discernment was greater.

And they are all wrong. And some of them know they were wrong and I was in fact right along.

But, their ego’s and all their ‘abuse minimizing/enabling & perpetrator protecting crap’ all got in the way. And I doubt any one of them would have the balls to admit this, or even see this is what they are doing. They will excuse it, say they see it ‘differently’ blah blah blah. All excuses, as per the rest of society.

All while a narc wolf in sheeps clothing, abuses another church full of people, doing exactly the opposite of what God wants.

I have considered all the things I could do.

But, I am so aware of the corruption and abuse condoning/enabling and mind controlled issues too many church people have, that I am wasting my time.

So, I wash my hands of all of it now, and will just stay well away from them all.

There is no use in talking to people who are so far from your own level of wisdom and maturity and there is no use in talking to people who are absolutely committed to not listening, so warped by their mind controlled issues, ego’s and fear of people who have the spiritual integrity and courage to stand up and actually tell them what they are doing, is really wrong.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

9 thoughts on “I am really angry and I have a right to be. It is righteous anger.

  1. It’s so frustrating when abusers and bullies get away with what they did, and go on to abuse others. You are right to be angry. Anger like this is necessary.

    I see it in various abuse blogs, pastors abusing churches, or religious communities full of abuse, yet the leaders carry on. Or go to another church. It is a huge problem in the Church today, not just Catholicism but everywhere. Julie Ann’s pastor lost his lawsuit against her blog, but he’s still the pastor at her old church. Bob Grenier, of Calvary Chapel, has been accused of severe physical and sexual abuse of his sons. Yet he sued his son for blogging about it, the result is still up in the air, and he still has his post.

    Or you know abuse is going on in some other context, and report it, but nobody does much about it.

    In my own experience, my bullies denied the truth of what I wrote in my blog about their many abuses of me and others. I had already told Social Services about the abuse in their home. They threatened to sue, and began to stalk me at church for a while, then by keeping tabs on my blog. And that’s despite the fact–or maybe because–the man had been convicted of choking one of his kids, proving I wrote the truth. I kept my blog up despite all the hell they put me through, because this needed to get out. I told my friends and family about it, too.

    Yet I opened up the paper yesterday and read that the woman had received some sort of honor at college this past school year. I previously learned that the man, while convicted, plea-bargained and got merely a fine and year’s probation. So he’s out walking free despite nearly killing a 9-year-old girl, and I still see the kids with them both despite the mother’s verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse.

    I want these people in jail, and/or their kids taken away. I want them to apologize to me on their knees. I do NOT want them moving on with life, getting honors, getting jobs, manipulating and abusing other people, being told how wonderful they are. (They have hurt a lot of other people besides me.)

    One consolation is, while this man wanted to become an Orthodox priest, my priest tells me that’s impossible because of the child abuse conviction. And a friend who sometimes has to help hire people, was directed to screen out anyone with domestic abuse on their record, because of the nature of the job. So hopefully the conviction and the report I made 3 years ago, will keep these abusers from getting certain jobs. It boggles my mind that the woman got a degree in business management. HER, a MANAGER? She can’t even manage her own household or temper!

    Hopefully the more we spread awareness of these things, through our blogs or other means, the more something will begin to change. Already there is an outcry about abusive pastors going on to other churches, or keeping their current posts. “Narcissist” is becoming a household word. Don’t give up the fight: The world needs you!

    • It makes me so deeply sad and angry that this all occurs within churches and in God’s name.

      It deeply offends my soul and as a Christian, it should. I feel so much for anyone abused and especially within churches, and it angers me that God’s name & His Bible is used as the excuses.

      It happens so much and I think ‘Christianity’ is in denial of this. They whip out the ‘we are all sinners’ card when it is suggested that maybe abuse should be occurring a lot less within churches.

      They sure are the masters of denying, minimizing, gaslighting, manipulating people to not speak up, and dealing with it all ‘quietly’ and getting rid of people with courage who are willing to speak up. Which are all forms of severe abuse, commonly used by narcissists and sociopaths/psychopaths.

      I have accepted I have done all I can, and as no-one is willing to step up with me, I cannot do anymore alone. And I am very much alone.

      It disgusts me, how few people are willing to have moral/spiritual courage/integrity.

      My heart goes out to anyone who has spoken up and tried to deal with these abusive, corrupt religious institutions.

  2. Pingback: Dang newspaper tells me about my abusers when I want to move on | Nyssa's Hobbit Hole

  3. People look at “don’t judge” and verses about getting along, but there are also verses about wolves and false teachers coming into the flock. An unrepentant abuser should not be allowed to stay in a church and continue to abuse.

    • Yes, you are totally right. I agree completely.

      The really sad part is, these abusers know they can get away with it. because it happens so often and the ‘perpetrator protecting’ that is so evident to me, becomes their safety.

      People know this man is an unrepentant abuser pastor, and they could deal with it, but they won’t, preferring to take the easy path of least resistance.

      The apathy, ignoring, look the other way, harbouring abusers, bothers me even more than the what the abusers do – because this is what encourages these abusers into churches. They are enabled, protected and encouraged.

      It’s all evil at work.

      • I Googled his name to see what comes up. Your blog comes up near the top. 😉 Also, I found the website for his new church. He says he sees this new appointment as being of God. I wanted to gag.

      • It made me feel physically sick when I read it.

        It offends my soul deeply to see the word ‘God’ used in any sentence relating to abusive narcs like him.

        The church he is still currently at has been described by others as a cult. Which is far more accurate, than a church.

        It amazes me how many grown adults, can’t see it.

        These people are bizarre and very unwell, which I understand fully – but does not in any way excuse their abuse.

        What healthy Church, or Church org like Baptist Union, promotes a man that has very recently been through a formal complaint and many very inappropriate behaviours, highly ‘suspicious’ conduct in his ‘counselling’ role, inappropriate use of social media, deliberate failure to comply with procedures, no records written of his visits to my home with the two of us alone, etc ‘had’ to be admitted and confirmed in the report.

        Yet, they promote him to a senior role.

        Sick. These are very unhealthy, sick people.

  4. I am so sorry for all your hurt and pain. My situation is similar, except that I was psychologically abused in a workplace. The bullies got away with it, and they continue to get the top jobs in their field, as well as all the accolades, etc., and I’m reduced to a pile of rubble, because I dared complain about what they were doing to me. It sickens me that these people continue to get away with their abusive behaviors, and society continues to celebrate them. It’s all the more hurtful when outside agencies that are supposed to help the abused do nothing more than look the other way and blame the victim, as happened in my case. The bullies get all the glory, and the victim is left with nothing. That is, nothing but pain and anger… and the feeling of being completely destroyed. And, people on the outside tend to sit in judgment and tell us to “get over it” and “move on”. Thank you for doing this blog, and reminding us that we’re not alone.

    • Same here. It just burns inside to think your bullies are moving up in the world instead of being punished. Where is the justice, the accountability? Why do they get to laugh at the pain of the victim instead of suffering for what they did?