43 years of abuse and a life time of nightmares, keeping me locked in the pain of my past.
‘Leave it in the past’ people say.
Yeah sure, would love to, please let me know when you have a miracle cure to stop my brain involuntarily making me re-experiencing horrendous abuse.
PTSD is so fucking cruel.
I really don’t want to remember being forced from the age of 9, to perform sexual acts, having my child body being violated, by an old man paedophile.
I really don’t want to remember being a teenager and being tied up and raped, with knives and guns used to psychologically torture me, repeatedly by a psychopath.
I really don’t want to remember having a gun put to my head and the trigger pulled.
I really don’t want to remember being driven out to the woods, feeling the fear of what I knew was on ‘his menu’. The quiet of the woods needed so no-one could hear my screams.
I truly do wish I didn’t remember the level of fear I felt enduring all this.
I truly wish I didn’t have to remember going through all this and having no-one in my life who cared.
No-one to trust.
No-one who wanted to keep me safe.
I don’t want to remember any of this.