Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

So weary from a lifetime of horrendous nightmares.


43 years of abuse and a life time of nightmares, keeping me locked in the pain of my past.

‘Leave it in the past’ people say.

Yeah sure, would love to, please let me know when you have a miracle cure to stop my brain involuntarily making me re-experiencing horrendous abuse.

PTSD is so fucking cruel.

I really don’t want to remember being forced from the age of 9, to perform sexual acts, having my child body being violated, by an old man paedophile.

I really don’t want to remember being a teenager and being tied up and raped, with knives and guns used to psychologically torture me, repeatedly by a psychopath.

I really don’t want to remember having a gun put to my head and the trigger pulled.

I really don’t want to remember being driven out to the woods, feeling the fear of what I knew was on ‘his menu’. The quiet of the woods needed so no-one could hear my screams.

I truly do wish I didn’t remember the level of fear I felt enduring all this.

I truly wish I didn’t have to remember going through all this and having no-one in my life who cared.

No-one to trust.

No-one who wanted to keep me safe.

I don’t want to remember any of this.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “So weary from a lifetime of horrendous nightmares.

  1. I was going to ‘like’ this for you to acknowledge I had read it, but I cannot. I felt your pain just reading it. No one has any right to tell you to leave it in the past. You will heal when you are ready – and there is no time limit.

    I am so sorry for pain which has been inflicted upon you, and that you continue to suffer from it. I wish I could do something to help, but all I have to offer is my support.

    Sending you love and hugs. xx

  2. Hold on Silent Screamer..hold on. For one more minute, one more hour, one more day…one more endless night. There are no words to placate the suffering you have endured. Only a word of hope as a salve to your very (understandably) weary soul. If you have a pulse…then you have a purpose my warrior friend. If the trigger and the fear could not kill or silence the hope that is in you..and there is a glimmer of light/hope in your words…your words to others… who believe NO ONE understands my pain..until they read each of your courageous words on this screen… a hope/light that is in you to share your own horrors of the dark and to courageously bring it into the light. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1 v5) Thank you brave friend. thank you.

  3. How do I express my desire for you to be free of that suffering? My precious sister, I pray tonight is that time. The time of your end to the sorrow!
    Your courage, it cme from that agony. That is the saddest in my mind. The fact that because of your pain, I can progress in my healing.
    Would I that you didn’t experience it to help us? YES!!! A thousand times, yes. No little child, no baby should endure such wicked torment. But now your strngt, it gives me a deep sence of a place where I can have my heart bond in unity with those who too have seen hell, and walked out to live and rescue me.

    Thank you!

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