Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Abusers, always use ways to discredit their victims.

I’ve had this all my life. Starting in childhood, my abusive mother and abusive step father used all the typical narcissist/psychopath tactics to discredit me as a someone credible, to keep the abuse hidden. Keep the family secrets hidden. The scapegoat role I was given, was extended to my sisters who were moulded to be the same as their parents.

At around 13/14, I tried to kill myself. I took a whole load of tablets and wanted to die, I couldn’t take the pain any longer. Of course my mother was annoyed at me about this and I was labelled an attention seeking drama queen. The perfect way to discredit me, should I dare to expose anything. Other family members were also manipulated into believing I was the issue. This continued for 40 years, until I started to expose the truth, my sisters now hating me. As they were trained to – if I ever exposed the truth.

Dysfunctional families, will do anything and everything, to keep the dysfunction and truth from being exposed. The scapegoat is the threat. So they to have discredit the scapegoat, as much as is possible – with lies, deceit and further abuse.

Being very open about having my past and having PTSD, has also been used by others as the perfect way to discredit me, not believe me about an abuser pastor, minimize what I endured. Not believe me when I explained he is a narcissist, a liar and an abuser. This discrediting used by all concerned to not do what is needed. Not do what is right. It gives them the perfect excuse to take the easy, comfortable road. Again the narcissistic abuser, lying in all the many ways lies are used. Manipulating people and them going along with it. Like apathetic sheep.

More abuse, and by ‘Christians’ this time. Continue reading

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I know when my husband starts worrying about me, things are not good.

My husband can be a pretty good gauge of where I am at.

He knows I have had a really horrible week and all my PTSD, anxiety and complex trauma symptoms are increased.

Nightmares, anxiety is massive, hives frequently while at home, I’ve picked my lips so much they are bleeding regularly, not eating all day, zoning out occurring more again and I just want to listen to music constantly to escape my thoughts. And I know the depression is worsening, because dark thoughts of harming myself are occurring and because I am having to force myself to write, when usually I want to.

My husband said he can tell I’m not okay and my doctor/counsellor is away.

I know why this is happening, I’ve already blogged about it and I know the deep emotional consequences of so much that has occurred within the last few years, now culminating in the worst possible outcome, and at the worst possible time.

And how it’s all a massively re-traumatising reflection of my whole sad, messed up, deeply painful, deeply lonely, horrible life.

I don’t want to deal with this pain anymore.

Maybe there is a direct link between emotional courage/integrity & spiritual courage/integrity.

I get told all the time how much courage I have. And even though I have spent my life feeling weak, I do see that due to the life I have endured, I am strong.

I see I have needed to develop deeper levels of courage and strength, to survive it all, that many people will never need.

I am beginning to wonder if people who I see clearly fail to have spiritual integrity/courage, don’t have this, due to not ever having to need it to survive?

Courage only grows, when needed.

It’s like developing muscles. You only grow muscles, when you exercise them, and it hurts, because if it doesn’t hurt – you are not pushing yourself hard enough. You see these body builders in the gym – and they put themselves through pain to grow their huge muscles. You can see the strain/pain in their bodies and in their faces. The more they do this, the more pain they go through – the bigger the muscles get. And courage is like this too.

Courage only comes from deep adversity, challenges and hardship, and I believe courage can be born from the fires we have to walk through. So, it’s much easier to walk through just a few little fires in life, than endure and survive really massive ongoing, raging, burning fires which test the person and grow the person far more – if they are able/willing.

Not everyone who goes through a test of spiritual integrity and courage will pass, most will choose the path of least resistance and comfort – which is not the path required. And many others will condone this. They will pick and choose Bible verses to suit, selective Bible verse abuse being common. Continue reading


I feel re-victimised by church views about abuse.

I refuse to say ‘Christians’ anymore, when it comes to views about abuse.

I really feel like there is far too much emphasis on feeling sorry for abusers, and ‘well it’s tough tits’ really for victims. It’s almost like an attitude of ‘hey abuse happens, get over it’.

It’s interesting how they condone and enable abusers…..yet being a gay person – oh my! How terrible…

Perpetrator protecting is rife in churches. The miss-use and wrong interpretation of grace, compassion, forgiveness etc…is all about minimizing what abusers do – because ‘hey we all sin’.

And little concern as to the damage abuse causes and the onus is completely on the victim of abuse to just ‘quietly’ forgive, move on and preferably really quickly, otherwise you are a failure by their standards and ‘God will be angry’ because if you don’t forgive quickly – He won’t forgive you – coz it says so in the Bible. Such an immature view of what is meant by certain Bible verses.

There is also this fear of speaking up, disagreeing with ministers, disagreeing with doctrine and denominational rules/beliefs. Why?

Maintaining ‘peace’ seems to be a big issue too and those willing to step up and expose abuse are the trouble makers.

It drives me nuts.

Just because we all sin, is not an excuse or a licence for abuse to continue and not be dealt with. Continue reading

Society must stop enabling/excusing abusers, based on mental health.

Abuse is increasing, in all forms.

A huge % of abuse is based on these disorders and other mental health disorders.

Mental health disorders are increasing.

Society must stop allowing mental health to be used as an excuse for abusers, to abuse.

Society needs educating about personality disorders, what the signs are, and must recognise these disorders more and in particular how they mostly cannot be treated successfully.

Society MUST reduce abuse and not allow it to continue increasing.