I’ve had this all my life. Starting in childhood, my abusive mother and abusive step father used all the typical narcissist/psychopath tactics to discredit me as a someone credible, to keep the abuse hidden. Keep the family secrets hidden. The scapegoat role I was given, was extended to my sisters who were moulded to be the same as their parents.
At around 13/14, I tried to kill myself. I took a whole load of tablets and wanted to die, I couldn’t take the pain any longer. Of course my mother was annoyed at me about this and I was labelled an attention seeking drama queen. The perfect way to discredit me, should I dare to expose anything. Other family members were also manipulated into believing I was the issue. This continued for 40 years, until I started to expose the truth, my sisters now hating me. As they were trained to – if I ever exposed the truth.
Dysfunctional families, will do anything and everything, to keep the dysfunction and truth from being exposed. The scapegoat is the threat. So they to have discredit the scapegoat, as much as is possible – with lies, deceit and further abuse.
Being very open about having my past and having PTSD, has also been used by others as the perfect way to discredit me, not believe me about an abuser pastor, minimize what I endured. Not believe me when I explained he is a narcissist, a liar and an abuser. This discrediting used by all concerned to not do what is needed. Not do what is right. It gives them the perfect excuse to take the easy, comfortable road. Again the narcissistic abuser, lying in all the many ways lies are used. Manipulating people and them going along with it. Like apathetic sheep.
More abuse, and by ‘Christians’ this time.
Being an honest, open person and being open about having PTSD will always be used as the scapegoat. It will always be used as the perfect way to say my thoughts are skewed by my past. So much easier to scapegoat my PTSD, than be honest about self. Where the reality is, I see more into the behaviours of others than most ever will, because my capacity to see into people’s real motivations. I pick up on abusive behaviours and spot red flags etc, is developed more than most. My discernment is deep.
And this discernment is always okay with most people – until I pick up and speak about their issues and then it’s a different matter – that’s not okay. Of course, I am wrong then. Then I am told I am wrong. More abuse. Along with no empathy. No remorse.
And all the while, I am the one being repeatedly abused, re-traumatised over and over, have no real support and abusers get away with what they do. Evil prevails and I am left feeling more lonely than eve. My trust in people decreasing and my understanding of humanity all too often being weak, increasing.
I’ve been dealing this all my life and I am so over it.
I just need to stay the fuck away from people, then I can’t endure anymore of this. I think 43 years of it, is enough.
Update March 2016.
It is interesting reading older blogs and the period of time I realised what was happening and why. And how far I have come in trusting my intuition and capacity to seek healthy people and not be a beacon for manipulative, toxic, exploitative people.
It takes time to develop trust in your own capacity to discern people. To trust your intuition. And not ignore the red flags.
It shows that healing is possible. It shows how impacting complex trauma is. The issues it creates, in only knowing being around toxic people, because that is all you have known.
That being your ‘normal’. Until you decide it is not going to continue to be the normal.
Self esteem, boundaries and self compassion, are vital strengths to deveIop, and I have.
Developing relationships, slowly. Not being an open book. Not showing all the character traits I had, that led to toxic people honing in on me. Like my empathy. Like my soft boundaries. Like tolerating unhealthy behaviours.
I’ve developed a safer way to be around people now. And it required a whole lot of self honesty, capacity and willingness to change and listening to wise advice. It required humility, courage and inner strength.
And it is worth it.