Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Will be seeing another counsellor.

My doctor/counsellor is away but has suggested I see another doctor/counsellor due to my current state of mind. I know this is needed and I am blessed to have people that I can see, who will try to help. But, I feel pretty numb.

I don’t really know how someone who doesn’t know my past, doesn’t know me, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, is going to help. It’s hard enough for me to talk to a counsellor I’ve known for 2 years, let alone someone I’ve never met.

My husband says I have to go.

I don’t want to.

But I also know when I least want to talk to anyone, is the time I need to the most.


I wanted to step out in front of the bus.

I have just done the school pick up run.

Whilst waiting in between two cars, to cross the road, a bus was coming and I had a real need to want to just step out in front of it, which would be the end. I could feel myself start to move forward and my leg go to move to step out. I don’t really know what stopped me. I was feeling pretty numb, so it wasn’t fear, or emotions.

It would be so easy to end all this pain and suffering I feel.

It takes just a split second, and it could all be over.

Now I’m home and I don’t even know I feel about it.

I don’t feel anything.

Was the last 5 years, all just to cut the wounds deeper?

This just came to my mind and I am now having a major increase in anxiety, so I’m breathing and trying to stop an anxiety attack.

I’ve endured a lot at the hands of so called ‘Christians’ and for what? To be abused, not be believed, have it all minimized, go through the hell of exposing it, a formal report, and for what?

It was all for nothing, except more abuse, more harm, to cut the wounds deeper.

Just adding spiritual abuse to my trauma history.

To form more attachments to people who I wanted to trust, cared about, who would hurt me and then get left to deal with it alone.

Struggling to breathe now.

I’m starting to wonder if I need to move away from ‘Christian’ counselling…

The last few years have revealed so much to me about how screwed up most Christians are about abuse and how to deal with it, and I see this is more of a problem than outside of Christianity.

So much abuse minimizing, abuse condoning, so much ignoring abuse, so much abuser protecting. And it bothers me greatly.

And a certain situation recently has 100% proven to me the effects of messed up Christian views and how this leads to evil occurring and continuing.

And to be very frank – I am really pissed off and angry about all this. And it really hurts me and feel like I am being re-traumatised repeatedly.

Even the blasΓ© attitude of those who are meant to be supporting me, hurts me.

So, the question lingering in my mind, is why I am continuing to endure this?