Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


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Will be seeing another counsellor.

My doctor/counsellor is away but has suggested I see another doctor/counsellor due to my current state of mind. I know this is needed and I am blessed to have people that I can see, who will try to help. But, I feel pretty numb.

I don’t really know how someone who doesn’t know my past, doesn’t know me, doesn’t understand why I feel the way I do, is going to help. It’s hard enough for me to talk to a counsellor I’ve known for 2 years, let alone someone I’ve never met.

My husband says I have to go.

I don’t want to.

But I also know when I least want to talk to anyone, is the time I need to the most.


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I wanted to step out in front of the bus.

I have just done the school pick up run.

Whilst waiting in between two cars, to cross the road, a bus was coming and I had a real need to want to just step out in front of it, which would be the end. I could feel myself start to move forward and my leg go to move to step out. I don’t really know what stopped me. I was feeling pretty numb, so it wasn’t fear, or emotions.

It would be so easy to end all this pain and suffering I feel.

It takes just a split second, and it could all be over.

Now I’m home and I don’t even know I feel about it.

I don’t feel anything.


Was the last 5 years, all just to cut the wounds deeper?

This just came to my mind and I am now having a major increase in anxiety, so I’m breathing and trying to stop an anxiety attack.

I’ve endured a lot at the hands of so called ‘Christians’ and for what? To be abused, not be believed, have it all minimized, go through the hell of exposing it, a formal report, and for what?

It was all for nothing, except more abuse, more harm, to cut the wounds deeper.

Just adding spiritual abuse to my trauma history.

To form more attachments to people who I wanted to trust, cared about, who would hurt me and then get left to deal with it alone.

Struggling to breathe now.


I’m starting to wonder if I need to move away from ‘Christian’ counselling…

The last few years have revealed so much to me about how screwed up most Christians are about abuse and how to deal with it, and I see this is more of a problem than outside of Christianity.

So much abuse minimizing, abuse condoning, so much ignoring abuse, so much abuser protecting. And it bothers me greatly.

And a certain situation recently has 100% proven to me the effects of messed up Christian views and how this leads to evil occurring and continuing.

And to be very frank – I am really pissed off and angry about all this. And it really hurts me and feel like I am being re-traumatised repeatedly.

Even the blasé attitude of those who are meant to be supporting me, hurts me.

So, the question lingering in my mind, is why I am continuing to endure this?


Why labelling abusers due to their behaviour IS needed.

‘Society wants to avoid labels; however, avoiding the truth also prevents “bullies” from diagnoses, treatment, & change.’

I agree with this.

This was posted to me on Twitter, in response to me saying – calling abuse ‘bullying’ minimizes the severity and harm of abuse caused to the victims.

Labelling behaviour – is needed.

If someone has narcissistic behaviour, then they are a narcissist because their whole life will be dictated by this personality disorder. They need to know this.

My doctor disagrees with labelling and I disagree with her completely. Because I see the bigger picture.

Not labelling people’s behaviour, leads to more abuse occurring.

And abuse IS increasing and that is not okay by me.

I am thinking of future victims of abuse, not just the emotions of the abusers. Continue reading


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No, I don’t want paedophiles, rapists, sex offenders etc, to be beaten up, abused back.

I spend a lot of time analysing my thoughts. Because, I never want them to be irrational, unreasonable, or affected by my past severe trauma history.

I have strong views on society and Christianity doing so much harm by ‘perpetrator protecting’, as I clearly see it does. And I see clearly how this enables and encourages abuse to keep increasing. I don’t like this and I know it is wrong. And I see so many of the reasons why this occurs and none of it is wisdom.

Some people I disagree with about their views, will have the reasons why they believe I am wrong. But, I do not have an unreasonable view of how abusive people should be treated.

I read an article about paedophiles being beaten up in prison. My immediate reaction was to feel how wrong this is. The thought of any ‘human being’, being beaten up physically like this, makes me sad. Now this would apply to anyone. Including about my own abusers.

I don’t believe in abusing people back, or repaying evil with evil. To me, that makes everyone as bad as each other. And I’ve never believed in this being okay. Continue reading