I’ve been avoiding this all day and I can’t process my emotions about this, because I know if I ‘go there’ – the shame, guilt and self hatred will kick in.
I know I didn’t plan it, but I was having a very bad day, with overwhelming realisations that cause me great pain. I’m aware in a numb kind of way, the fact that it was a non planned, just a sudden need to end it, is probably worse. Because it could have happened so easily.
I am aware my zoning out stuff, is great to not ‘feel’ – but not good if I am likely to be impulsive, without the capacity to necessarily stop.
I stayed more mindful today when going out to do the school pick up today. I know I focus on this far better when my children are with me. It’s when I am on my own, that is the issue.
I have to manage it better when on my own too. Somehow.