Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.


Comfortably numb…

I don’t want to feel my emotions anymore. I have endured too much abuse to deal with.

It’s too unsafe to deal with it. ‘Unsafe’ – a huge aspect of my entire life.

Either way is unsafe. Too much zoning out, and too much feeling emotions. I’m screwed either way.

I am very happy to exist within the needed amount of numbness, to function, but not feel anything.

I would no doubt be told this is not healthy, not healing…

Well, it keeps me safe.

Blog views now over 200,000! In only 15 months!

I am continually amazed at how many people read my blog!

It’s funny to look back at when I set it up and what I thought would happen. I never assumed so many people would read it.

I am thankful to be able to share my journey, so people feel less alone, to educate people and to contribute in the capacity I have, to make a little ripple that helps others.

I love writing and I know how important it is, to be a real, raw, honest, courageous voice, in world that wants to increasingly ignore, minimize, enable abuse and hurt, invalidate and re-victimise abuse survivors over and over.

I am thankful I can do my small part and share all I learn as I progress through this journey.

And I praise God for blessing me, to bless others.

Stats, showing over 200,000 total views and nearly 1000, just today so far.


Something I’ve never really acknowledged openly, I have been attracted to women.

My husband knows this, always has and he’s always been okay with it. And I have kissed women, drunk, in my 20’s.

I never admitted this to any ‘church people’ because the ones I knew have abusive views about this. They are very anti-gay and I knew it would be a big issue and be considered to such a ‘terrible sin’ and I would ‘go to hell’. According to them.

Being attracted to women, is something I have never really pursued, but it is something that I acknowledge in myself and I accept in myself.

I considered being bi-sexual at one point in my 20’s, because somehow it seemed that women would be less abusive, more gentle and not hurt me, in the same way many men have.

It is my personal theory, but certainly not something I say is for all and I make that very clear (I am not in any way saying abuse causes sexual orientation), but for ‘me’ that this is sexual abuse related.

Having been subjected to a lot of (heterosexual) sexual abuse and a lot of pornography in my life (from 9 years old) – sex between women and men, has always been merely about the physical act of sexual gratification – that often degrades women and is more for the needs of the man. And I am very aware and learned how to do all they wanted, just like the porn stars, with the need for alcohol always, to ‘perform’. Continue reading

‘Spare the rod, spoil the child’ – allegorical meaning, not literal.


I’ve always known this Bible verse was not meant in a literal meaning. I just knew. Jesus’ spirit.

I remember telling the pastor (who later abused me) when I first started church 5 years ago, that I believed what I had read that the rod – was meant for guiding and leading, not to hit.

He disagreed of course. He likes abuse and feels very entitled to abuse.

Alice Miller quote that sums up many child abuser church people’s issue.

It is quite pathetic how many church people run with the Bible verses they feel enabled them to abuse their children, yet don’t want to consider their children require the same amount of respect as adults.

And show them any evidence from psychology, or neuroscience that proves spanking, belting etc is abuse, and this occurs…

Or they are simply sociopathic/narcissistic, lacking in empathy, lacking in conscience, lacking in remorse – looking for ways to abuse and get away with it.