Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Something I’ve never really acknowledged openly, I have been attracted to women.

5 Comments

My husband knows this, always has and he’s always been okay with it. And I have kissed women, drunk, in my 20’s.

I never admitted this to any ‘church people’ because the ones I knew have abusive views about this. They are very anti-gay and I knew it would be a big issue and be considered to such a ‘terrible sin’ and I would ‘go to hell’. According to them.

Being attracted to women, is something I have never really pursued, but it is something that I acknowledge in myself and I accept in myself.

I considered being bi-sexual at one point in my 20’s, because somehow it seemed that women would be less abusive, more gentle and not hurt me, in the same way many men have.

It is my personal theory, but certainly not something I say is for all and I make that very clear (I am not in any way saying abuse causes sexual orientation), but for ‘me’ that this is sexual abuse related.

Having been subjected to a lot of (heterosexual) sexual abuse and a lot of pornography in my life (from 9 years old) – sex between women and men, has always been merely about the physical act of sexual gratification – that often degrades women and is more for the needs of the man. And I am very aware and learned how to do all they wanted, just like the porn stars, with the need for alcohol always, to ‘perform’.

Obviously sexual abuse to the level I have endured, will taint beliefs and views about sex and men. And I know that and I have compassion for myself about that.

I know all the abuse, is a big part of why I was a ‘slut’ in my 20’s too. Lots of abuse related reasons for that, which I have accepted and don’t really feel shame about any more.

But, as I read recently by someone else, for me, it’s also about attraction to the person and their heart and soul, that you are attracted to. I’ve known many physically beautiful women and not been attracted to them at all and in fact there have been only been a few I have been romantically attracted to, but, they were women who were gentle and caring and older than me.

I haven’t really processed all of this yet, I’ve had other bigger issues on my mind to deal with.

I don’t consider myself to be bi-sexual, I don’t have issues with people who are, or with gay people, despite being a Christian.

I don’t have those ‘hard line’, ‘sociopathic’, or ‘low IQ’, conservative views of many abusive conservative Christians, who lack empathy, lack tolerance, lack love for others.

It’s always been about ‘who’ the person is, how they treat others, their heart and soul I am more interested in, in people.

I’m married and I take my marriage vows seriously and would not be unfaithful to my husband with anyone, so this is not really a future issue, but something I am not ashamed of and don’t feel the need to hide.

Do I think God hates me for this?

No I don’t. He knows what I’ve endured. He knows my heart. He knows the reasons.

A response to this on my page, which is very caring and understanding (name removed for privacy).

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

5 thoughts on “Something I’ve never really acknowledged openly, I have been attracted to women.

  1. My sister, only God knows the depths of our wounds and what leads each and every one of us to “sin”. As Christians, we all need to remember that one sin is no greater than the other and that judgement rests with the Judge… not us. He knows what you have endured and the wounds caused by the abuses of man. Your “attraction” to women was based on the abuse of your past and God knows this. He is using all that you have been through, including this part of your life, to help others to know that He is a loving and forgiving God. He heals and restores. The abuses of mankind is what has lead many people into these sexual choices.. God knows this. He sees their wounds… and He is a gracious and merciful God. He patiently waits for hearts to turn to Him. All we can do is pray for all the wounded… and that includes everyone. Thanks for sharing. May He pour out His blessings upon you and your family!

    • Thank you! ❤

      It is always surprising to me when Christians are nice to me……as often my honesty about my past, having PTSD and my lifestyle choices, shocks them, makes them very nervous, judgmental and I have encountered spiritual abuse by many.

      I would 'never' have been open about this, whilst attending churches. And there is no way I would bring it up in Christian counselling either.

      But, I think it is probably far more common after abuse than is realised and I always want people to not feel alone in what they are dealing with.

      I know God doesn't hate me for this, he doesn't hate anyone, and yes, we all sin.

      I know God looks at our hearts.

      Thank you for being so non judgmental and so understanding!

      God bless you my sister! ❤

      • Many thanks to you. The Bible is clear when He tells us not to judge… He does not tell us just certain people. I pray that more Christians will realize that and stop hurting those who really need our help. Many, many blessings to you.

  2. I was just discussing this very topic with one Friend, only one friend as I have hidden it from the World.
    I was raised Roman Catholic, sex was secret, dirty and not to be discussed.
    Hell, my abuse was not to be discussed.
    I am also very attracted to women. And as a single woman; I have gone there once. It was a beautiful experience to have a relationship with a woman.
    That however is something that I keep solely to myself. It would never be accepted in my very conservative family. “What do you mean you like both men and women? That’s just wrong; you must choose.”
    That’s the message I got loud and clear because that is what they believe.
    I always believed there was something ‘wrong’ with me for having these feelings.
    Thank you Lily for demonstrating that I am not alone and that everyone’s judgement just causes more pain.
    You are an inspiration and I completely admire your strength.
    Rachelle

    • I fully understand why coming from a Roman Catholic background, would make it very difficult to be open about having attraction to women, or relationships with women. I would never have admitted this whilst attending a ‘conservative’ Baptist church. Their views were highly anti-gay, anti-empathy etc.

      I accept my emotions and feelings now. I love gay people the same as straight people. I have had gay friends and I know God loves us all equally.

      Jesus didn’t actually say very much about being gay…so that always interests me. I’m sure if He had been greatly concerned about the subject of being gay or bisexual……He would have made it far clearer. And the OT is often abused for earthly needs/views and I am mindful of that.

      I would rather have honest gay people in my life, who treat others well and have compassion and love for others……than have judgmental, abusive, hard line, unloving, lack of empathy church people in my life. That’s for sure!

      ❤ ❤