My husband knows this, always has and he’s always been okay with it. And I have kissed women, drunk, in my 20’s.
I never admitted this to any ‘church people’ because the ones I knew have abusive views about this. They are very anti-gay and I knew it would be a big issue and be considered to such a ‘terrible sin’ and I would ‘go to hell’. According to them.
Being attracted to women, is something I have never really pursued, but it is something that I acknowledge in myself and I accept in myself.
I considered being bi-sexual at one point in my 20’s, because somehow it seemed that women would be less abusive, more gentle and not hurt me, in the same way many men have.
It is my personal theory, but certainly not something I say is for all and I make that very clear (I am not in any way saying abuse causes sexual orientation), but for ‘me’ that this is sexual abuse related.
Having been subjected to a lot of (heterosexual) sexual abuse and a lot of pornography in my life (from 9 years old) – sex between women and men, has always been merely about the physical act of sexual gratification – that often degrades women and is more for the needs of the man. And I am very aware and learned how to do all they wanted, just like the porn stars, with the need for alcohol always, to ‘perform’.
Obviously sexual abuse to the level I have endured, will taint beliefs and views about sex and men. And I know that and I have compassion for myself about that.
I know all the abuse, is a big part of why I was a ‘slut’ in my 20’s too. Lots of abuse related reasons for that, which I have accepted and don’t really feel shame about any more.
But, as I read recently by someone else, for me, it’s also about attraction to the person and their heart and soul, that you are attracted to. I’ve known many physically beautiful women and not been attracted to them at all and in fact there have been only been a few I have been romantically attracted to, but, they were women who were gentle and caring and older than me.
I haven’t really processed all of this yet, I’ve had other bigger issues on my mind to deal with.
I don’t consider myself to be bi-sexual, I don’t have issues with people who are, or with gay people, despite being a Christian.
I don’t have those ‘hard line’, ‘sociopathic’, or ‘low IQ’, conservative views of many abusive conservative Christians, who lack empathy, lack tolerance, lack love for others.
It’s always been about ‘who’ the person is, how they treat others, their heart and soul I am more interested in, in people.
I’m married and I take my marriage vows seriously and would not be unfaithful to my husband with anyone, so this is not really a future issue, but something I am not ashamed of and don’t feel the need to hide.
Do I think God hates me for this?
No I don’t. He knows what I’ve endured. He knows my heart. He knows the reasons.
A response to this on my page, which is very caring and understanding (name removed for privacy).