Having a particularly bad week, so doctor who is away, advised I see another doctor. I stated I was feeling numb and doubted I would be able to talk.
He is a nice man and happens to be the person who mediated at the mediation where I was further abused by the narc pastor. So at least I have met him, this doctor has seen them in action and knew a little about what had gone on.
I ended up being able to tell a fair bit about how I feel, and the two separate situations occurring;
(1) The current abuse situation, of spiritual/grooming about by a pastor and the subsequent lies, cover up, whitewashing, corruption by the in-house investigators and the Baptist Church, all of which had been confirmed to me, is correct, is abuse, is very wrong, not remotely Godly and I have grounds to take legal action about. And I know – they would not have lied and stated crap in that report – unless they needed to for dodgy reasons.
And then, the abuser getting promoted – which is clearly a very suspicious and dodgy move by the Baptist Church and more evidence of their abusive and non Godly actions. And my shock about this and my reasons why.
This alone being bad enough to endure, and causing huge layers of distress I feel for others who will be infected by this and sheer disgust at how so called ‘Christians’ act – which goes on far too much in Christianity. How there is no-where near enough emotional courage and spiritual integrity within churches, and within denominational hierarchy’s, to deal with these abusive people appropriately. And how I know everyone involved in this, has failed. Regardless of their reasons for justifying it.
And people abused within churches – are often treated very badly. That is common too.
All of this being truly disgusting and not remotely of God.
(2) The added emotions of this being a huge reflection of my previous abuse; lies, minimization, no support, abuse enabled etc. This causing me added distress, feeling like the last straw.
I also explained I know this whole situation – is continuing and ongoing abuse, to me and to others.
I managed to say all this, with some tears along the way. Which surprised me, and I am thanking Jesus for this, because I can feel when I am being given added calm enough that is needed.
Interestingly the doctor didn’t disagree with any of what I sad, and agreed with many parts as I was speaking. He validated how I feel and my emotions. We discussed medication, how best to manage this over the next 6 weeks and he suggested I see him weekly until my usual doctor comes back.
It went okay and I felt able to voice what I feel.
So, I doubted and under-estimated myself, and proved myself wrong.
I have courage, even when I feel an emotional mess.
And I have Jesus ❤