Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Why I’ve always wanted older people to ‘look after’ the inner child me.

4 Comments

“Inverted parenting is a hallmark of an alcoholic family, as well as in a family with a narcissistic personality disordered mother.

This situation causes post traumatic stress disorder.

None of the children are getting their emotional needs met in a healthy way. Each position that the children fill serves a purpose for the family.

The children often act very mature, such as acting 40 when they are 10. However, when they are older all of their infantile needs rise to the surface and they want to be taken care of by their partner.

This often dooms the relationship because the partner can not be the parent and save the relationship.”

This ^ From Blog http://echorecovery.blogspot.com.au/search/label/Scapegoating

I was treated differently to my sisters, so this applies to me, but they ended up being like their parents, rather than like this. But, we were all abused. I was the mother to my sisters, and also looked after my mother’s needs.

I don’t actually want my husband to take care of my ‘inner child’ – which is probably one reason our relationship has lasted, but I have sought it from others, men and women.

Those unmet childhood needs, continue on, right through adulthood. I don’t know how to stop this.

Needs are needs.

It’s not like I can take medication to stop that, or go to AA etc.

I know it’s why I (much to my deep embarrassment) have transference stuff with my doctor, even though she is not old enough to be my mother. But to my inner child, she is.

My inner child hurts, still feels small, lost, lonely, abandoned, unloved, vulnerable, scared. Alone.

Anyone want to be my mother??? You just need to be nice, caring, gentle, honest, loving, let me call you Mum and give me lots of hugs….that’s all…

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

4 thoughts on “Why I’ve always wanted older people to ‘look after’ the inner child me.

  1. Actually, I’d rather have a wife. Someone to care, do all the drudgery, keep my home ticking over while I ‘conquered’ the world. I gave up on having a mother by about the age of 5. I grew up in an alcoholic family with a narcissistic, raging mother. I can see that there may be some truth in that I wanted, finally, to be able to rest in my partners arms when we met. After all, I had been self sufficient since 16 and very successful at it. When I met him, I had my own apartment, car and a good job. However, it became quickly evident that I was needed to continue to be the’leader’ or ‘caretaker’ in that relationship and try as I might to have any needs taken care of – I was going to be sorely disappointed, if not, overtly abused for showing such a desire. His rage at the merest mention of me having any needs ended any dreams of being taken care of. I have parented myself and others, now since I can remember. I can recognise the need deep within me to be able to fold into someones arms and be taken care of but I can no longer trust that this is what will happen. There have been times in my life, that I was afraid that a mere kindness from somebody would have me swooning, because I was so deplete from any kindness or support. I recognised that giant need and void and avoided people for that reason. I also did not want to jeopardise my marriage, having ironclad rules for myself. I think that need was instrumental in keeping me away from support I may have gained. I no longer have a marriage but the need has lessened now that I’m not being overtly abused. i spent many a night recovering from abuse, hugging myself and reassuring myself, that I was going to be OK. I had to be my own parent. So, if a ‘wife’ turned up, so I could turn ‘off’ once in a while, I would appreciate that. I no longer even know if I have ’emotional’ needs or not. I guess I must, but maybe fear has submerged them?

    • I’m so sorry you have been through so much abuse. It’s really terrible, I know.

      Thank you for sharing, it is always fascinating and gives me insight into how others deal with things.

      It is really interesting to me, how we react to abusive childhoods, once we become adults.

      I spent a very long time, highly independent, totally self sufficient, not relying on anyone, worked and guarded my independence fiercely. I trusted no-one and needed no-one. I got myself out of an abusive 1st marriage and supported myself for decades.

      It is only in the last year, I have started to even acknowledge I have so many unmet childhood needs and mainly the transference stuff with my doctor has led to me thinking and processing all this.

      I know I have wanted and failed to find ‘family’ all my life.

      I know it will take time to deal with all this and I accept my hurt inner child stuff.

      I don’t think I have ever ‘parented’ myself and maybe that is why that need to be ‘parented’ now is strong in me. I have no concept really of doing that for myself. I just still desperately want someone else to and I know that is not going to happen.

  2. Hmm, I guess when I say ‘parenting myself’ I mean I have had panic attacks, woken from nightmares, cried and howled and to ‘parent myself’ I held myself, rocked and reassured myself that I was OK, I was safe, I was going to pull through, that I’d done it before I could do it again. I learnt to self soothe. I had to. I almost had a nervous breakdown during the ending of my marriage and with nobody there and kids who relied on me, I had to self soothe. I wasn’t doing it as an ‘exercise’. It was instinctual in a way – I was like a wounded animal. Something just took over and I rocked and cried and hugged myself and reassured myself (out loud) as if I really was a ‘proper’ parent. This happened numerous times until the nightmares ended. Still, today if I am anxious I can call on that ‘soothing’ and remind myself that ‘it’s going to be OK, you’ve been through worse, you’ll be fine in the end’. I also have done visualisation techniques to talk to myself as a child and a teen and bring them through things they experienced and tell them(me) that they are not alone and I’m waiting on the other side. It sounds esoteric and I’m probably not explaining myself very well but in the absence of another human who is going to ‘heal’ or comfort me, I got to a point so low that instinctively, somehow, I took over that role myself. I DO have unmet childhood needs and adult needs, they don’t go away, but in a way I have offset them by being there for myself. I also fear greatly, that need in me that I I know I have -that gaping hole, that could see me be vulnerable in the wrong spot at the wrong time. I just can’t let that happen. I’m pretty sure my mind wouldn’t survive it. My dream as a child, teen and woman was to have a ‘family’. It was my one big goal – it kept me in my marriage 20 yrs too long, trying to create that dream I have never had. I have had to reframe what I think of as ‘family’. I will never have my original dream and slowly I am learning to be OK with that. It is a long process when all you eve wanted from being a young child was a family. That desire, I recognise now, is also what made me vulnerable. I won’t get that dream family and I’m coming to terms with that. As I grow, I wonder if it is societal pressure, peer pressure, gender roles etc all rolled into one that creates that need in women? Why do we feel incomplete without the male component? This, I believe, is something that all women need to discuss. We should feel whole on our own. Why don’t we?

  3. I do feel whole on my own! I was 9 1/2 months pregnant with my second daughter when I left my husband and I raised them solo for 15 years with no thanks to my family and no friends around! Society puts way too much pressure on singles to be with someone. Example “Oh you will find someone”…Valentine’s day…In church it’s always about couples. If your not with someone you are made to feel incomplete.