Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Unmet childhood needs, can haunt an entire adulthood.

I have self insight and a capacity to work out what is going on in my subconscious thoughts, as well as conscious.

It is not common. I am aware, most people are not insightful, or courageous, or honest enough, to explore the inner workings of their subconscious, and evaluate the behaviours that come from this.

Such honesty and courage, to share this, with others, is not common either. I do this, at the risk of ridicule of others. So be it. It’s not like I am not used to ridicule, having endured it all my life.

I am aware I do not need to be ashamed of this. Continue reading


Forgiveness for abusers is one thing, empathy for future victims, is about action.

We live in a society that believes many things that are often all for self. Egocentric.

Many people believe the end of the line in dealing with abuse, is about personal healing and for some, forgiveness.

This is all about self needs.

But, what about future victims? Many don’t often care about that. I do. I care a lot.

Even my faith, the religious side of Christianity, many church people believe forgiveness, is the ‘be all and end all’. It’s not for me. I care about what will happen to others, because I have empathy and I am not ‘all about me’.

I don’t believe for one second that God requires His people to just forgive and move on. Did Jesus model that? Did he just stand there, watch abuse occur, do nothing and just forgive them and move on?

Of course he didn’t. He acted. Not in a way to repay evil with evil, but to stand up to evil and expose the abuse, lies and those being deceived. Continue reading

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I am thankful my blogs about Pastor A. Allinson, show up at the top on google searches.

I am well aware there are many who would believe that exposing a pastor publicly, is wrong.

I disagree, he had every opportunity given to him to deal with this appropriately and privately – he made his choices to continue lying. And I know my heart in this, I know abuse has occurred over 2 years now, corruption has occurred and I have support about this.

I have deep levels of emotional courage and spiritual integrity. Something I am aware many church people don’t and won’t accept in others, but that doesn’t mean they are right.

I choose to know and see Jesus as my role model, not church people.

Abuse and false teachers should always be exposed and I do have the spiritual integrity and emotional courage to do this – because God is first and foremost in my life and God does not condone lies, abuse, lack of repentance, wolves in sheeps clothing and His word makes that VERY clear. Continue reading

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Flashbacks to suicidal times, in my teens?

During my teens, between the age of 13-20, I was suicidal, and tried to end my life at least twice that I remember, and I really wanted to die. The pain of abuse, was overwhelming and my capacity to cope and think about the value of my life, was that of a teenager.

I know teenagers become more suicidal, due to the immaturity of their brains and minds, that are unable to process pain and abuse, as an adult can. Which is why there are so many deaths of teenagers, due to bullying and suicide.

Particularly during the captivity abuse in my late teens, I suffered suicide ideation, as the abuse was so severe.

From the age of 20-40, I was not suicidal, and didn’t suffer suicide ideation. Despite times of abuse occurring, in my 1st marriage, being attacked in the park at knife point and the continuing abuse from my family. And I had PTSD all along, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, avoiding, suppressing.

Once my ‘breakdown’ occurred, which was worsened by abuse from a pastor and church, my suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts came back. Along with all the PTSD symptoms increasing dramatically, being unable to function highly and being unable to work etc. Plus all Complex PTSD symptoms of emotion regulation etc.

Now, I absolutely know, the Baptist church abuse crap, and in fact all of the abuse I have endured, is not worth me ending my life. As my doctor stated yesterday in an email, I am worth so much more than that. Continue reading