During my teens, between the age of 13-20, I was suicidal, and tried to end my life at least twice that I remember, and I really wanted to die. The pain of abuse, was overwhelming and my capacity to cope and think about the value of my life, was that of a teenager.
I know teenagers become more suicidal, due to the immaturity of their brains and minds, that are unable to process pain and abuse, as an adult can. Which is why there are so many deaths of teenagers, due to bullying and suicide.
Particularly during the captivity abuse in my late teens, I suffered suicide ideation, as the abuse was so severe.
From the age of 20-40, I was not suicidal, and didn’t suffer suicide ideation. Despite times of abuse occurring, in my 1st marriage, being attacked in the park at knife point and the continuing abuse from my family. And I had PTSD all along, nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, avoiding, suppressing.
Once my ‘breakdown’ occurred, which was worsened by abuse from a pastor and church, my suicide ideation and suicidal thoughts came back. Along with all the PTSD symptoms increasing dramatically, being unable to function highly and being unable to work etc. Plus all Complex PTSD symptoms of emotion regulation etc.
Now, I absolutely know, the Baptist church abuse crap, and in fact all of the abuse I have endured, is not worth me ending my life. As my doctor stated yesterday in an email, I am worth so much more than that.
I know I have emotional flashbacks to times in my childhood and teens, where I feel like a child, vulnerable, scared, hurt, abandoned, alone etc. And I know they are flashbacks, because I don’t feel that way all the time. It is always triggered by something happening now.
So, it makes sense to me, that when I feel suicidal, I am also having emotional flashbacks triggered by something occurring now, then re-experiencing emotionally times when I felt suicidal and did not believe my life was worth more than this pain and that I needed to die. And I am not worth anything more.
It explains why there have been such huge gaps in my suicidal stuff. And it’s why the emotional flashbacks theory, of professionals like Pete Walker, makes so much sense to me.
Although, I do accept that I have emotion regulation issues too. I think it is a combination. Again these emotion regulation issues, being far more severe in my teens, and now since my PTSD breakdown and within the last few years.
It also makes sense of how I can have very wise, deeply processed, ‘bigger picture’ thought processing and use all my life experience, discernment and research knowledge to process some things on a deep level, beyond my years and beyond many people’s capacity.
More to think about.