EQ, Emotion Regulation…Apples & Oranges?

Part of EQ, is emotion regulation, control etc.

Now, I would be considered by some to have poor emotion regulation, because I am emotional, I react emotionally when triggered and my emotions can spiral down to feeling suicidal.

My husband (I will use him as an example), has had no abuse in his life, not even school bullying. He’s has no trauma outside of normal life experiences. He has a normal childhood. He’s relatively intelligent, has held down good jobs and is currently a police officer. he can remain calm and level headed, in situations involving others, at work etc.

But, when he is tired, or stressed, he can’t handle his emotions well. He becomes very grumpy, irritable, impatient, self focussed, egocentric. In an argument, he can’t handle his emotions well at all and he becomes passive aggressive and immature when needing to solve disputes.

So, considering his very normal life, this is not good emotion control. He admits he doesn’t control his emotions, when the issue is about himself, tired, his ego feels hurt. He also admits he doesn’t have much empathy, and this reduces to none, when in an argument, or when he is tired.

This is not what you would consider high EQ. It’s probably average. considering his life. Which I will call an apple.

Whereas, my life has been completely different, my life we’ll call an orange.

And as the saying goes, you can’t compare apples and oranges.

Considering how much abuse and trauma I have endured in my life, how I am continually exhausted, have PTSD, nightmares, anxiety etc – which is involuntary – I do pretty well at emotion control, most of the time.

I also have great depth of empathy and even in my own deep struggles, I can feel empathy for others. I am not ‘all about me’ and my own issues. That’s how I can help so many others. Not many can do this.

Invalidation, enforcing feeling ‘sorry for the abuser’ – leads to more shame, more trauma.

I see this all the time, in the media, on social media, within society, within Church people, even in my own Christian counselling.

This happens all the time, everywhere.

People/society/Christianity – all programmed to ‘not think the worst’ about an abuser, ‘look for the good’, assume the victim is lying/exaggerating and minimize what you haven’t personally endured.

I’ve been ‘invalidated’ (not intentionally) in counselling, because it is Christian based, and they can be the worst for avoiding the worst possible reality about someone’ bad’.

When the victim, is being very honest, as most are, all this does is completely invalidate what that victim has endured and re-traumatises that victim over and over.

How is a victim of severe abuse, prolonged abuse meant to process everything deeply and fully, when the focus is to be concerned about how the ‘abuser’ feels, and by others assuming the abuser ‘didn’t know they were causing so much harm, didn’t mean it’ etc ???

I’ve had my ‘needed’ and ‘deserved’ emotions of anger towards the horrific abuse I have endured – completely invalidated by comments like ‘oh they were probably abused too’ and ‘the abusers are in such pain too’.

I have an ongoing huge difference of opinion with my doctor, who I do respect – who makes it very clear she does not believe in ‘labelling’ as this is ‘not okay for the abuser’. ‘Abuser’ – that’s a label I am apparently not meant to say. ‘Narcissist’ is another one, when in fact someone highly narcissistic, will act in every way out of a place of selfishness and ego – so every action, every thought, will be narcissistic. And abusers, rarely stop, and often abuse again, until they are stopped. So – that is what they are. People who are abusers. People who are narcissists. People who are sociopaths. People who are paedophiles.

The reason given to me for this shame inducing ‘we must not label’, which bothered me greatly at the time it was said, and still does, was ‘these labels can destroy people’. I’ve also had it said to me that these abusers are ‘in so much pain themselves to do what they do’.

Wow!

Did these ‘people’ care that they were destroying their victims lives? Of course not, in 99% of cases. None of my abusers cared – because they have no empathy, no remorse, no conscience. And they had a choice.

Just remembered I am attending a writers conference/workshop soon :)

In all the abuse/trauma related stuff that has been going on, over the last week (and last 2 years), I totally forgot I am attending a writers conference in 2 weeks! 🙂

I am really looking forward to it, especially as one of the published authors/speakers asked me to make sure I introduced myself to her.

Will be good to have contacts and maybe people to ask advice about writing and publishing, as I really have no idea.

And I know, when something needs doing, do it the right way and not half arsed. Find people who’s wisdom, can help you do it right.