Part of EQ, is emotion regulation, control etc.
Now, I would be considered by some to have poor emotion regulation, because I am emotional, I react emotionally when triggered and my emotions can spiral down to feeling suicidal.
My husband (I will use him as an example), has had no abuse in his life, not even school bullying. He’s has no trauma outside of normal life experiences. He has a normal childhood. He’s relatively intelligent, has held down good jobs and is currently a police officer. he can remain calm and level headed, in situations involving others, at work etc.
But, when he is tired, or stressed, he can’t handle his emotions well. He becomes very grumpy, irritable, impatient, self focussed, egocentric. In an argument, he can’t handle his emotions well at all and he becomes passive aggressive and immature when needing to solve disputes.
So, considering his very normal life, this is not good emotion control. He admits he doesn’t control his emotions, when the issue is about himself, tired, his ego feels hurt. He also admits he doesn’t have much empathy, and this reduces to none, when in an argument, or when he is tired.
This is not what you would consider high EQ. It’s probably average. considering his life. Which I will call an apple.
Whereas, my life has been completely different, my life we’ll call an orange.
And as the saying goes, you can’t compare apples and oranges.
Considering how much abuse and trauma I have endured in my life, how I am continually exhausted, have PTSD, nightmares, anxiety etc – which is involuntary – I do pretty well at emotion control, most of the time.
I also have great depth of empathy and even in my own deep struggles, I can feel empathy for others. I am not ‘all about me’ and my own issues. That’s how I can help so many others. Not many can do this.
And I am dealing with severe PTSD 24/7 with no let up. No breaks. Continually.
Yes, I can become suicidal, but that is not every day, or even weekly, but occurs when triggered and re-experience trauma from my past. Severe trauma.
PTSD causes irritability, and negative emotions – but I manage these every day so they do not affect my family, and it is a continual hard issue to deal with and I succeed most of the time. I don’t vent anger on my family, I take time to de-stress and constantly assess my mood, symptoms etc. My husband doesn’t need to do this.
So, considering all this, I think my emotion control, is pretty bloody good!
My husband struggles when he is tired and is a grumpy git and he admits that.
He even comments often, about how he knows how little sleep I have and yet appear happy etc around my children. He says ‘how come you can get so little sleep and look as good as you do, and I get one bad nights sleep and I look like shit’. He says it in a good way. But it’s true he acts like he looks, grumpy, miserable, impatient. I am exhausted but can have far better emotion control.
You can’t compare apples with oranges.
But, even when I do – like with my husband, I do pretty well.
So is my emotion control part of EQ…poor?
Only if you compare an apple, with an orange.
I wonder what my husband would be like emotionally – if he had to deal with one week, of what I go through?