Decades of abuse & it being ‘all about the abusers’. It’s still ‘all about them’.

Sad lady

Further to a blog I wrote earlier, the invalidation abuse prolonged sufferers receive from others, is very damaging.

So, here’s a bit more of why.

I’ve had prolonged abuse, from birth, abused by parents who deliberately and intentionally turned me into a child sexual abuse victim, and I have been groomed, repeatedly and forced into abuse, including considerable sexual abuse, as a child and as an adult.

During this, everything was about the abusers. All of them. What they wanted, what they decided to do, how they wanted to hurt me, about their dark needs etc…And all the while, I wasn’t allowed to protest, to say no, to complain, to voice my emotions. There was never any consideration about me, how I felt, the pain I endured.

Because of all this severe abuse, severe suffering, severe pain, once I was 20, and moved away from family, away from all those abusers, I just suppressed it all. I had no-one to share all that with, no-one I could talk to, no-one to help me.

So, I did what society says abuse survivors should do, and ‘moved on’, ‘tried not to think about it, ‘didn’t act the victim’ and I worked, provided for myself and looked after myself. I had PTSD, I’ve had it since being a child, but again, I just ignored it as best I could. Which was the worst way to deal with it.

20 years of all this suppression, and at 40, I had a breakdown, because the brain cannot suppress that much trauma indefinitely. Then I had no option, but to have to start to deal with it. 3 years later, I am still processing, still trying to heal.

Some of the people, who I have told about my past, have been so deeply invalidating of my emotions, that it so painful. I’ve had so many invalidating comments that I would be here all day listing them.

One example and this is a common church attitude….right in the beginning of my breakdown, I had a pastors wife almost dismiss it all and say ‘well your mother was probably abused too’. And this was said in a way that of course being a ‘church person’, that this should be my focus….to focus on my mothers issues….to focus on how hurt she is….to focus on forgiveness….and not be angry at her. And that because she ‘may’ have been abused, that was the reason, the excuse, the justification for the abuse to me.

So blessed, someone made us meals & received a donation of $100 !

I’ve set up a GofundMe account to help with the publishing costs of my first book.

http://www.gofundme.com/chp1jc

I only set it up yesterday and I have already received a donation and an incredibly generous one of $100!! I was so surprised and so thankful, I cried! I am such a sook 🙂

My husband is a police officer and has told a few others in work and one very kind police officer, brought meals and cupcakes in for us! She’s a lovely woman, I’ve met her a few times and she’s having problems with her teenager who has been suicidal, so knows how hard this all is to deal with.

What amazing blessings and I know that’s you God and I praise you deeply for this ❤ ❤ ❤

in my last email to my doctor, I wrote how I know God loves me and will always provide all I need. Including the strength the cope and heal, and whatever else is needed.

It’s amazing to think I nearly ended my life less than a week ago, and here I am now sat with my children playing and giggling together – that sound being my favourite in the world, feeling deeply blessed by people who I don’t even know!

Wow. I have no more words.

Wow!!! 🙂

Love listening to Meryl Streep, my favourite actor. Wisdom, depth & so funny!!

I am drawn to people who have wisdom within them, and she has always been one of my favourite actors.

I’ve read quotes that she has stated and I love her down to earth, non celebrity, wise soul personality. I love her empathy which is so clearly evident by her capacity to be so amazing and diverse in the characters she plays.

I’m watching her on Ellen, and she is so funny, so gracious and humble about her success. She doesn’t know how many awards she has won, is very surprised to be nominated for yet another Oscar, when no-one else is surprised.

It was good hearing her say she sent a big long email to her friend Emma Thompson, who wasn’t nominated and how sorry she was and how awful she felt and how Emma replied with ‘good’. Which Meryl thought was funny. She has empathy and a sense of humour – which I love.

I can tell the way she talks about everything, that she thinks deeply about things, what is around her and takes it all in. There is such a sense of wisdom and depth to her. And I know she has been described as being a wise old soul and that part of me, relates to her.

I love her mannerisms and how she uses her hands and her facial expressions and eyes when she talks. She is very endearing.

And to top it off – she is hilariously funny – the part at the end, had me laughing so much! 😀

I will watch it again when I feel down – because it will make me laugh.

She’s someone I could sit and talk to for hours and no doubt spend a lot of time laughing with too.