Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Decades of abuse & it being ‘all about the abusers’. It’s still ‘all about them’.


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Sad lady

Further to a blog I wrote earlier, the invalidation abuse prolonged sufferers receive from others, is very damaging.

So, here’s a bit more of why.

I’ve had prolonged abuse, from birth, abused by parents who deliberately and intentionally turned me into a child sexual abuse victim, and I have been groomed, repeatedly and forced into abuse, including considerable sexual abuse, as a child and as an adult.

During this, everything was about the abusers. All of them. What they wanted, what they decided to do, how they wanted to hurt me, about their dark needs etc…And all the while, I wasn’t allowed to protest, to say no, to complain, to voice my emotions. There was never any consideration about me, how I felt, the pain I endured.

Because of all this severe abuse, severe suffering, severe pain, once I was 20, and moved away from family, away from all those abusers, I just suppressed it all. I had no-one to share all that with, no-one I could talk to, no-one to help me.

So, I did what society says abuse survivors should do, and ‘moved on’, ‘tried not to think about it, ‘didn’t act the victim’ and I worked, provided for myself and looked after myself. I had PTSD, I’ve had it since being a child, but again, I just ignored it as best I could. Which was the worst way to deal with it.

20 years of all this suppression, and at 40, I had a breakdown, because the brain cannot suppress that much trauma indefinitely. Then I had no option, but to have to start to deal with it. 3 years later, I am still processing, still trying to heal.

Some of the people, who I have told about my past, have been so deeply invalidating of my emotions, that it so painful. I’ve had so many invalidating comments that I would be here all day listing them.

One example and this is a common church attitude….right in the beginning of my breakdown, I had a pastors wife almost dismiss it all and say ‘well your mother was probably abused too’. And this was said in a way that of course being a ‘church person’, that this should be my focus….to focus on my mothers issues….to focus on how hurt she is….to focus on forgiveness….and not be angry at her. And that because she ‘may’ have been abused, that was the reason, the excuse, the justification for the abuse to me.

My mother destroyed my life. I had no childhood. I had my innocence robbed, stolen from me. I have memories so painful, no-one should ever have to endure. She did that. Her decisions. Her choices.

My mother never allowed me to have a voice, or be heard, or have an option other than put up with abuse. I was the family scapegoat, was set up to be abused by her husband and his friends. It was ‘all about her and what she wanted.’

And she ‘never’ cared about how I felt. I was horrifically abused within the first 20 years of my life. And I was told to shut up and keep quiet.

And now, I do start to speak up………..and I am meant to feel sorry for my mother?

Of course, now it is straight back to being ‘all about her’. Her issues. Her needs.

And this applies to all my abusers. It’s ‘all about them’. Still.

Not me. Or my pain. Or my needed anger. Or all my needed painful grieving. Or the huge amount of time needed to heal all this trauma.

Nope……I have to be concerned and mindful, and feel compassion for the abusers.

It’s always about ‘them’.

And this attitude, is more deeply invalidating and abusive to someone as painfully abused, and painfully harmed, as I have been and many other survivors who have endured such intentional, ongoing abuse.

And I can fully understand any abuse survivor who feels this way.

It’s always about the abusers. Their rights. Their legal rights. Their human rights. Their mental health. Their issues. Their problems. Their past. How they must be forgiven. How they must receive compassion. How they couldn’t help it. How they didn’t understand what they were doing. How they are hurting inside. How society unfairly judges them. How we must not label them. How we must pray for them. How we must forgive them. The list is endless.

And ‘I’ am the bad person, if I don’t. More shame, more guilt, more emotional abuse. Only from those who I need to help me. Again.

The abusers made sure it was ‘all about them’ in the past.

And now everyone wants to continue making sure it’s ‘all about them now’.

And church people are the worst for this.

And it is abuse. It is re-traumatising. It is re-victimising.

But, hey who am I to have an opinion? I’m ‘just the victim’. What I needed never mattered.

~ Lilly Hope Lucario

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Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

14 thoughts on “Decades of abuse & it being ‘all about the abusers’. It’s still ‘all about them’.

  1. Wow this post spoke directly too me and I can feel exactly what you feel! It is very painful and very frustrating when you are trying to heal and yet people make it about the abuser, try to justify why they did it. that’s not the point, the point is that you are wounded, you are suffering and you need to heal.Its hard to make sense of your life when everyone is making it about the other person. Thanks for sharing this post, I like what you are doing with this blog! I will continue to read it!

  2. This is heartbreaking to read and so frustrating!! I hate how society views and treats abuse. You are so right that for the most part, society and laws, everything always has the consideration for the ones who did the abuse rather than the one who suffered the abuse and why is that?!

    I just wanted to say that you do matter and these people that are around you and society in general with their thoughts/actions are wrong. You shouldn’t have to take anything into consideration because no one knows what you went through and how much pain you have endured. You should be/feel encouraged for all that you have survived and that you are still living your life despite all the pain that others inflicted upon you.

    In my personal opinion, I say forget them, want to say something harsher in all honesty. You should worry about no one but you and your healing. I hate that excuse of “oh they were probably abused” crap!! I was abused and I would NEVER abuse another human being, it’s disgusting that people use this and dismiss the actions of others simply by saying that.

    Sorry I feel that I said more than I should have, but just wanted to say that you are so brave and stronger than you know. You are supported and forget anyone that ever said you have to consider the feelings of anyone else in your healing. You are what matters and being able to heal is what matters. Take care of yourself!

  3. First: (((HUGS)))(((HUGS)))(((HUGS)))(((HUGS)))
    Second: I am with you. It should not be about the abuser. It needs to be about the victim. I am Catholic and as such have always been taught to be selfless. I am 36 years old and it was not until very recently that I owned how F**ked-Up my childhood was. Everyone kept telling me that I was over reacting or that things “weren’t so bad.” That just simply isn’t true and the people telling me this were my abusers or their enablers.
    I suffered with PTSD in silence until it got so bad at 20 that I ended up in a psychiatrist’s office on the brink of crisis. When she said PTSD I was shocked. She was shocked too- that I had made it so far without help.
    I get the impression from people without PTSD think that it’s not really valid unless its cause is combat. However, it affects me every day of my life.
    You are so strong to share all of this with us.
    Thank You,

  4. Beautifully written and expressed, a hard post to *like* – so my like in this case indicates understanding.

    I, too, moved on and suppressed – and my breakdown came at 46.

    When I told my therapist I wanted to confront my parents, she cautioned me against it, saying they would simply deny the abuse occurred, or try to minimize it by attempting to convince me it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. In fact my father once offered that “he may have been a bad father, but he had a valid excuse; he was abused, too.”

    And I have felt like what I wanted and needed didn’t matter …

    And know the sting of society’s further victimization of survivors.

    Your blog is important, and it sheds much needed light on something too long kept in the dark.

    I no longer protect my abusers with my silence, and it feels very good indeed.

    Thank you for speaking out.

  5. Thank you everyone for all your comments and sharing with me how you feel and what you have personally experienced.

    I always feel very humbled when people share with me.

    I’m thankful if this opens the eyes and minds of anyone who reads it and helps validate abuse survivors in any way.

    I don’t think many people actually understand the damage and harm they are causing by these harmful views they feel ‘entitled’ to give.

    Some actually believe they are doing good and helping, but they need to realise, they aren’t. And just because they lack empathy, intelligence & EQ and insight, doesn’t mean it reduces the harm they cause to us.

    There are some of course who use these views, in a very intentionally manipulative way to deliberately hurt others – which happens a lot more than people realise too. I can see when this is happening, much to their disgust that I can who they really are.

    I’ve had a lifetime of not being believed, having my pain minimized, having harmful opinions thrown at me, having Bible verses thrown at me, being blamed, shamed and re-traumatised, and I am so deeply aware that many abuse survivors are experiencing the same and I feel a deep need to speak up.

    I’ll keep doing it too, as it helps whoever reads it ❤

  6. Totally agree. Society told me to “get on with it” (along with “don’t say such things about your parents”) and still is telling me this. The only difference is that now I bin therapy books that spout all that nonsense about forgiveness and I fired a therapist who thought I should expose myself to abusive parents and said my mother couldn’t help it because of her own issues. People that minimize what happened to me, or say “how could you say such a thing about your parents?” live in a cosy world that doesn’t exist. I stay away from them. I know the truth. I speak up, and if society doesn’t like having its massive child abuse problem thrust in its face, too bad. We’re survivors, and we deserve to be heard.

  7. Reblogged this on Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD and commented:

    Another important message people need to know.
    Society hurts abuse victims/survivors repeatedly and this needs to stop.

  8. Been there. So helpful to read someone else that understands

  9. From the bottom of my heart, thank you… ❤

  10. Pingback: Decades of abuse & it being ‘all about the abusers’. It’s still ‘all about them’. – whitemoontsukishiro

  11. Lily let me tell you this. It is never alright for what your mother did to you. It doesn’t matter how she may have been abused, that in no, way justifies what she did to you. What she did was abhorrent and horrendous and made worse by all who have invalidated you and taken her side. I had the most terrible abuse from my mother both physically and mentally and from the rest of my family. I too was further abused and revictimised by people from Church and it just aches to know they are getting away with it. They have no empathy or compassion for those of us who are hurting. They have cliques of the most shallow and uncaring people I have ever known. They are horrible, horrible people and I would cut all ties with them as I have done and have nothing to do with them.