I mentioned this in counselling today. I saw a different counsellor to my usual one, as she is away.
I have had a lifetime, of dealing with people’s non belief about what I say about trauma/abuse. Had this from childhood onwards. It is abuse, deep abuse.
To not be believed, when you have a trauma history like mine, with as much denial, minimizing, scapegoating, lies, non belief, ignoring etc, as I have had….cuts like a knife.
When it’s the same people, like family, I accept they will never change and have moved on.
But, when it’s people in your life who you need to believe you ‘now’, it’s pretty hard and very re-traumatising. And of course they will just say it’s my emotions due to the past. Not able to face that ‘they’ are the ones causing this abuse/trauma now. Even if unintentionally.
I am allowed to be angry and annoyed about this. I don’t need anyone’s permission. They were wrong. They should have believed me. They didn’t. They made a choice not to. Mostly to keep their lives easier, I am under no illusion as to why.
During the last 2-3 years of all the church/pastor abuse – no-one (bar my husband) fully believed me, throughout much of it. I was being 100% honest, and yet everyone put their own spin, their own assumptions, their own judgment onto whether I was being honest, whether I was only as devastated as I was by the abuse – because of my past. No-one trusted my insight and judgment as to this man being a narcissist. It’s the church people’s way to not believe the worst about an abuser.
And quite frankly that really pisses me off, and increasingly so now, because all their wrong assumptions – have led to everyone failing in dealing with this while situation appropriately.
And, as my self worth increases, my understanding of how not being believed is abuse and how wrong this is, and how I do not deserve this, also increases.
I was telling the truth then and I am now, and as this whole incident has occurred – which I knew was very serious – more and more dodgy issues have become uncovered. And I knew this was occurring – I could tell by the way it was all being dealt with. I am very discerning.
I was told to ‘assume good will happen’, ‘don’t assume the worst’ etc…..my concerns that this was not okay to assume – due to my ‘knowing’ this was not being dealt with appropriately – was ignored.
And I was right, to ‘know’ the worst was occurring, lies and corruption were occurring, and this would only lead to really bad outcomes.
I was right and everyone else, was wrong.
Now, everyone will have their justifications, their reasons, most people always make excuses or delude themselves as the not owning a bad decision.
But, that doesn’t help me in the slightest. Or the other future victims, that will endure narcissistic and spiritual abuse.
This was not a case of my version -v- their version….and the truth was somewhere in the middle.
I spoke only the truth and no – it was not influenced in any way by my past – as to what I spoke of that occurred. It took me time to be able to accept the fullness of the gravity of the betrayal, lies, manipulation, narcissism, being used as prey, corrupt investigation etc.
And the pastor, his wife spoke lies. All lies. And then investigators told lies. An entire church has been told lies.
So yet again, the people I needed most to believe me – to help me – and to help others – didn’t.
Not being believed, is emotional abuse. Blaming it on Bible verses or faith, is spiritual abuse.
Not being believed – is the story of my fucking life. Still.
And yes, I am angry.
And yes, this does not help my trust issues.
Or my healing.
And I am adding to this – if certain people did believe me – it is actually worse – because that means I didn’t matter – the abuse I endured wasn’t worthy enough of effort to help me with.
No matter how I look at this situation – I have been abused, betrayed, let down, by many and I wasn’t worth enough to deal with it appropriately.
These realisations, hit me so hard, I find them deeply distressing to know. And, I’m not someone who can delude myself any longer as to the reality of situations and people. I don’t live in denial.
And the truth really fucking hurts – when it’s just a huge reflection and adds on to all the trauma I have already dealt with.
The weight of it all, is too much.