Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Not being believed – still occurring, still trauma, still abuse.

3 Comments

I mentioned this in counselling today. I saw a different counsellor to my usual one, as she is away.

I have had a lifetime, of dealing with people’s non belief about what I say about trauma/abuse. Had this from childhood onwards. It is abuse, deep abuse.

To not be believed, when you have a trauma history like mine, with as much denial, minimizing, scapegoating, lies, non belief, ignoring etc, as I have had….cuts like a knife.

When it’s the same people, like family, I accept they will never change and have moved on.

But, when it’s people in your life who you need to believe you ‘now’, it’s pretty hard and very re-traumatising. And of course they will just say it’s my emotions due to the past. Not able to face that ‘they’ are the ones causing this abuse/trauma now. Even if unintentionally.

I am allowed to be angry and annoyed about this. I don’t need anyone’s permission. They were wrong. They should have believed me. They didn’t. They made a choice not to. Mostly to keep their lives easier, I am under no illusion as to why.

During the last 2-3 years of all the church/pastor abuse – no-one (bar my husband) fully believed me, throughout much of it. I was being 100% honest, and yet everyone put their own spin, their own assumptions, their own judgment onto whether I was being honest, whether I was only as devastated as I was by the abuse – because of my past. No-one trusted my insight and judgment as to this man being a narcissist. It’s the church people’s way to not believe the worst about an abuser.

And quite frankly that really pisses me off, and increasingly so now, because all their wrong assumptions – have led to everyone failing in dealing with this while situation appropriately.

And, as my self worth increases, my understanding of how not being believed is abuse and how wrong this is, and how I do not deserve this, also increases.

I was telling the truth then and I am now, and as this whole incident has occurred – which I knew was very serious – more and more dodgy issues have become uncovered. And I knew this was occurring – I could tell by the way it was all being dealt with. I am very discerning.

I was told to ‘assume good will happen’, ‘don’t assume the worst’ etc…..my concerns that this was not okay to assume – due to my ‘knowing’ this was not being dealt with appropriately – was ignored.

And I was right, to ‘know’ the worst was occurring, lies and corruption were occurring, and this would only lead to really bad outcomes.

I was right and everyone else, was wrong.

Now, everyone will have their justifications, their reasons, most people always make excuses or delude themselves as the not owning a bad decision.

But, that doesn’t help me in the slightest. Or the other future victims, that will endure narcissistic and spiritual abuse.

This was not a case of my version -v- their version….and the truth was somewhere in the middle.

I spoke only the truth and no – it was not influenced in any way by my past – as to what I spoke of that occurred. It took me time to be able to accept the fullness of the gravity of the betrayal, lies, manipulation, narcissism, being used as prey, corrupt investigation etc.

And the pastor, his wife spoke lies. All lies. And then investigators told lies. An entire church has been told lies.

So yet again, the people I needed most to believe me – to help me – and to help others – didn’t.

Not being believed, is emotional abuse. Blaming it on Bible verses or faith, is spiritual abuse.

Not being believed – is the story of my fucking life. Still.

And yes, I am angry.

And yes, this does not help my trust issues.

Or my healing.

And I am adding to this – if certain people did believe me – it is actually worse – because that means I didn’t matter – the abuse I endured wasn’t worthy enough of effort to help me with.

No matter how I look at this situation – I have been abused, betrayed, let down, by many and I wasn’t worth enough to deal with it appropriately.

These realisations, hit me so hard, I find them deeply distressing to know. And, I’m not someone who can delude myself any longer as to the reality of situations and people. I don’t live in denial.

And the truth really fucking hurts – when it’s just a huge reflection and adds on to all the trauma I have already dealt with.

The weight of it all, is too much.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

3 thoughts on “Not being believed – still occurring, still trauma, still abuse.

  1. What i realized is that it’s not that i wasn’t worth it, they just were that entirely ignorant. That was the tragedy. Ignorance is death.

  2. I’ve had many not believe my story. Especially back when I still spoke to abusers. I was in charge of a youth group at a Presbyterian Church. It got back to me that the elders were saying they didn’t trust me. I quit and informed them that they should have NO ONE involved with their youth they didn’t trust completely. Seriously I was shocked that they didn’t trust me and allowed me complete access to their kids! I ended up quitting that church and I find comfort in the Luke 17:21 “Neither shall they say, lo here or lo there for, behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.” I do not believe in the hypocrisy of churches. Further more I believe that if I wrote something today at 50 it would be completely different than what I wrote about the same thing at 15. My perceptions are different and so is my view. What I wrote today would be corrupted by my views the same as in my past. I don’t descend into caves and do hallucinogens as this would further corrupt my views. Most don’t know descending into caves and doing hallucinogens was done when writing most chapters of the bible. I also find it hilarious when Christians are adamantly opposed to drugs as they were used in comprising their bible. God is in us all. So is evil. We choose which to nurture and are responsible for our choices and actions.

  3. YES! I have lived this also for many many years! Its been very hard even for me to not believe I’m crazy/deluded/ exaggerating because thats how I’ve been treated by everyone each time, & there’s never been anyway to prove things without a video camera with clear audio to prove the truth to anyone about the hundreds of very real evil happenings toward me. Its heartbreaking & shattering & confusing & terrifying.

    Its hard to learn how to feel a healthy & essential anger at the evil that’s happened without allowing hatred & bitterness in my heart towards the people themselves, but I know I’d then also be a victim of myself, & I’m not willing to suffer unnecessary agony & torment at my own hands as well as from others! We cant regain the willingness & ‘fight’ within us that can help us not just totally despair & give up, with no will to live. This has been my hardest battle! We must know its right to passionately HATE the evil that’s happened to us (& to others) without hating the people & becoming a hardened,bitter & resentful person who remains a sour ‘victim’!

    There’s so much I could say about suffering massive ongoing trauma & of getting no help but instead only accusation & no-one believing the truth of what we say, but only those who’ve lived it could even begin to understand anyway, whilst the rest just theorize from their armchairs & make ignorant assumptions & damaging wrong judgements.
    But I’m glad they cant understand, because that’d mean they’d have to go thru it all also to be able to understand. Its too big for anyone to grasp or to even really want to grasp. My mind & emotions etc shut-down many years ago because its too big for my mind/emotions/nervous system to handle or grasp, so how can I expect others to grasp or understand it?

    Not being believed feels like the final torture when you’re crying out for some care & relief from just anybody, & this has made me feel helpless, hopeless, trapped & further traumatised & feeling like I’ve gone crazy, but Ive only been kept sane by God somehow putting some sense of hope & comfort into my heart despite how messed up, traumatized & shattered I am.

    Somehow I know God will one day deliver me if I agree to let Him keep my heart from bitterness & hatred. All people, including Christians have proven to be massively limited, lacking, arrogant, selfish, ignorant, etc, but I cant assume I’m any better without Him changing me because its the fallen human condition, & we remain that way until God somehow works His goodness, humility & mercy into us to some extent over time,( thru harsh life experiences), & sadly this change is seen in people far less than is needed when people choose bitterness instead, but I believe a time is coming when more hearts will want freedom & will be opened.

    I survive only because I KNOW God HATES this evil that happens in this world & too often in the so-called ‘church’ but I defiantly dare to believe that God will work all this evil that’s happened to me together for my good & will someday have worked into me enough healing, insight, mercy & wisdom so that I will be able to stand with others who’ve also experienced massive ongoing darkness (neglect, abuse, injustice, false accusations, physical agony, isolation, confusion, despair, misunderstanding & deep deep lonliness).

    Many say they represent God but really represent the devil & are just carnal, but there are those who truly love God but who are simply VERY ignorant & who just cannot understand or believe that such evils occur to some of us, because its more than they can handle or believe at this stage, but if God can change me then He can get thru to other people too!
    Theres absolutely no human being that we can expect to pull us thru it all, but we can just pray that one day God will finally find someone He can send our way to be a bit of support, & after many many many years I’m massively grateful this has recently finally happened for me recently.

    This lady is still a limited human being but God has worked enough in her for her heart & mind to be opened to the reality of certain evils & that our pathetic man-made theories people make up to try to control & make sense of life don’t fit reality (or freedom), & so she’s been humbled enough to feel God’s compassion & love & to not try to squeeze me into a little box which I cannot & will not fit into.

    When enough crap happens to us it should destroy all our arrogant little boxes we try to fit ourselves & others into, because we realise life isnt what we deluded ourselves that it was.
    It can either point us to desperation for truth/reality, or it can make us bitter & hateful, & so then we too end up hurting & neglecting others way too much, & I’m not willing for that to happen.

    I ache, I’m broken, shattered & traumatised & barely functional in any way at all, but my heart is still fairly clean & not full of hate, & so I choose to believe (tho I rarely feel it) that my life is a success in one very important way. Though many have had the usual doses of suffering in life & appear to function well & so seem ‘successful’ to others, I dont know where their hearts are. Are they still arrogant, self-absorbed, living in their own little bubble with no mercy & no cry in their heart for the broken hurting people? If so, then I dont think they have had a successful life at all!

    May God Bless you in your journey!