Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Too many people, have touched my soul, with their dirty hands.


It wasn’t worth doing the right thing. Evil prevailed and won.

There’s no getting away from the harsh reality, that doing the right thing, over the last few years, having courage, was a complete waste of time.

All it did was lead to me enduring more trauma and abuse, having to deal with so many lies, corruption, evil. No-one dealt with it any of it appropriately, no-one else stepped up, so evil prevailed.

It wasn’t worth it, all the harm it caused me. That is the harsh reality. Humans cause harm to others, in many ways.

And I have that nagging knowledge that I was so stupid to think anything different would occur.

Why would I ever put my trust in people. Why? It’s like I have the masochistic need to keep proving to myself, again and again, that people can never be trusted.

All the harm, to me, to my healing, was not worth doing the right thing.

Maybe this was the lesson, all along. Don’t bother.

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It’s a much easier life, to just pander to everyone’s ego’s.

I don’t know why I don’t really. I’ve had so much harm in life, I do need an easy life now. I see so clearly how much easier it is to be someone who just says whatever people want to hear. People love that crap.

People who challenge others, are never liked, often get hassle.

I’m starting to think it would be a lot easier in life if I just pandered to everyone’s ego’s, never resisted whatever they want to think, stay quiet and just keep the peace.

Just smile and nod. People please, that’s what 99% of the population want from others. I might as well just give in.

I know if I had just done this over the last 2-3 years – I wouldn’t have endured more trauma and more abuse. Standing up for myself, got me nothing by trauma/more abuse, stress, hassle and pain. All I did, even though it was right, was for nothing. I wish I had not bothered.

I guess, it’s all been a big lesson, to just let people get on with their lying, abuse, harm, sin, whatever and just say nothing. I think this has shown me that no matter what good you try to do, no matter how honest and courageous you are, doesn’t matter. You still get shafted and treated like shit and harmed all the more.

Whereas, people pleasing, just going with the flow, never resisting anything, makes life easier.


Massive anxiety…at saying something my mother used to say.

I am thankful that I don’t say things my mother used to say, I am nothing like my mother.

But, I just said something that she said and I remember it vividly – visual and emotional flashback of it.

I just told my kids off (calmly), for using my sewing scissors for craft – the ones I use for cutting material.

I remember so clearly my mother really shouting at me for doing the same thing as a child, because she was so annoyed with me, because I used her scissors. I was probably about 9, or 10. Being scared of her, this was obviously a time when I was anxious that she would punish me emotionally, as she always did. I always tried to keep the peace, pacify her, keep her happy, do anything she wanted and not ‘awaken the beast’.

I always had a lot of anxiety and fear of my mother getting nasty and she knew this. She deliberately created this, for my compliance, for power and control over me. I was the sensitive one, the eldest and I was the easy prey for her.

My anxiety is massive right now.

Just when I think I have all my ducks in a row…

I adore this quote! 🙂

I actually don’t ever think I have all my ducks in a row…and possibly never will…because wisdom is a life long process.

But, aside from all that….I still love this quote and the pic.

It’s cute.

Is it a full moon? Seems like all the trolls are out to hunt and prey.

Dealing with trolls on social media is something I am so used to now.

They hunt….

They appear….

They vomit their darkness….

They spew their issues…

They defecate their abuse onto people….

They revel in their darkness…

Continue reading


HSP/Empath insight. I benefit from Dr Alice Boyes work.

I have read several articles Dr Alice Boyes has written and I find her very insightful and interesting and I relate to it. Dr Alice Boyes writes for Psychology Today and other publications and is an author.

I have to accept, that most people don’t understand this – and I have no-one in my life currently who does – and work on not feeling isolated and deeply alone, because I am different in this way.

It isn’t a weakness. Even if so many others assume it is. I have to accept that people always reject, what they don’t personally know/feel.

From this link http://www.aliceboyes.com/introvert-or-highly-sensitive-person/

What is an Highly Sensitive Person?

Like most lists of diagnostic criteria, you may be a Highly Sensitive Person if you have SOME of these characteristics. You don’t necessarily have to have all of them and probably won’t.

– You prefer one on one interactions rather than groups.

– You need a lot of downtime away from people.

– You have difficulty filtering some types of incoming stimulation.

You might have difficulty filtering social stimuli e.g., the TV news, news about people who have cancer who you don’t know very well, other people’s moods.

Or, you might have difficulty filtering sensory stimuli e.g., background noise such as music playing at a cafe, or lots of people talking.

– You can’t fake emotions very well e.g., you can give a talk about a topic you’re passionate about to 300 people, but you can’t fake being passionate about something if you’re not. Continue reading