Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

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‘Self Compassion’…sounds easy hey. Well..it’s not.

A post to my page – to help others know, this is not as easy as it may seem…..

I talk about this a lot. Because I do know that this is a much needed part of healing and dealing with all we go through.

It sounds so easy – just click our fingers and viola! – There is some self compassion.

I really know it does not work like this. Oh, how I wish it did, for you all and for me

I’ve spent 40 years, with inner self hatred, blame and shame inflicted upon me by my highly abusive family and all the abusers.

That is a lot of time and deep core wounds. This is not suddenly turned into self compassion, over night. Continue reading


My reasons why I don’t believe marijuana is okay for PTSD sufferers.

The long term side effects of marijuana are well known to be paranoia, depression and delusions/psychosis.

Do PTSD sufferers really need to add this to their symptoms?

I do understand that the use of medical marijuana helps eleviate the symptoms in the here and now, but long term side effects need to be considered.

I know a relative of my husband, who is a long time daily marijuana user and she is definitely a paranoid person, and easily angered. So it hasn’t helped her long term. And she doesn’t have PTSD.

I’ve also witnessed people who use it and have PTSD – show very paranoid behaviours, and get nasty.

This happened the other day, a guy who clearly has big issues with anything Christian related, blew up totally unprovoked, lashing out at me – saying that I hate gays etc. Which is so far from the truth. I’ve never even mentioned anything faith related – ever – to this guy, I don’t preach at anyone.

But, he got really nasty, decided I must be one of those conservative, right wing, abusive types (which quite frankly was very offensive to me), and made up lies and acted like I have preached at him – which is 100% false. It really was like he was having some paranoid delusion as the lies were being tweeted about me. He was imagining things that has not occurred. Which is a delusional state. I didn’t react to his issues, but had to report him to Twitter.

I think it is only when stoned, people are actually benefitting, but the rest of the time, their symptoms become worse. Anxiety, anger, paranoia, delusions. All of which the regular use of marijuana can cause. Continue reading

Helping others, to trust their therapists. More ways, I didn’t know I help.

I am aware, what I write helps people. Not everyone, and that’s okay. We are all different. But, I do know, I do help many.

Sometimes, people say things that make me really stop in my tracks and think ‘wow, I didn’t realise I was helping in that way.’

This was one such occasion, when someone wrote the following on a post on my community page. (name removed for privacy).

To help anyone trust what their therapist is saying, is so good. As trust is a major issue – I know all too well.

And this obviously clarifies, that what I wrote, is also what a professional therapist is also saying, advising and believes. And this is all processing I have done myself, due to my own self insight, not what have heard in my own counselling. I’m aware I can pretty much work it all out myself. I just need help figuring out how the hell I deal with all this deep insight and the hell to deal with all these people out there, who cause all this harm and abuse. Continue reading

Posts to my page, I want to keep. 10th August 2014

“I’m thankful my brain has the capacity for mild dissociation. The ability to feel ‘numb’ at times – helps me deal with the pain. I couldn’t bear constant pain – to the level I experience.

But, I do need to manage the numbness. It is far too tempting to remain there permanently, lost in a zone of nothingness.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


“I don’t believe being highly suspicious about everyone’s motives, is a particularly good trait.

But, I have self compassion for why I am. When you have endured abuse and betrayal, it forces you to have to be so suspicious, to keep yourself safe from any further harm.

Because the harm already endured, hurt so deeply and the mind, heart, body and soul remembers this.”

~ Lilly Hope Lucario


~~~The issue of forgiveness~~~

I do not preach forgiveness, even though I am a Christian. And here’s why…

Whether someone needs to consider forgiveness for abusers, is a very personal issue and one I do not believe anyone has a right to demand or shame people into.

I believe that to heal, we need to concentrate on ‘ourselves’ – nothing to do with the abusers.

I believe that adding ‘forgiveness’ into the healing process too soon, is very damaging. And who is to know when that time is right for others, if ever?

I won’t tell you – you ‘have’ to forgive. I have no right to say that to you. No-one does.

I am not you, I don’t know where you are at in your healing, I don’t want to damage your healing, or shame you. That would be wrong of me and it is wrong of anyone else. Continue reading

Anyone who believes healing from severe abuse and trauma is….

I don’t live in denial, in the land of delusion.

Some days I wish I did, it would be easier.

All the ‘positivity fountains’, all the ‘butterflies & rainbows’, all the ‘count your blessings’ – are all encouraging denial, suppression and avoidance.

Maybe that is needed for some people – I do see that. And I don’t judge those who need that.

But, for anyone who is processing their trauma deeply, like I am, it hurts.

So don’t judge anyone, for the pain they are experiencing. Maybe they are just processing deeper than the capacity of others.

It isn’t anyone’s right, or entitlement to say that someone else’s pain, length of time in pain, is not necessary.

People are different and process differently, at different depths.

And if you think you are entitled to judge someone else’s pain, pull your head in.

Adding to this post….I was a little hesitant in adding this poster to my Facebook & Twitter as I didn’t want to offend anyone, but it has turned out to be one of my most popular posters in some time 🙂

Just goes to show how keeping it real, raw and honest is needed and is welcomed. I’m not advocating for the use of foul language on a continual basis, but you know, when dealing with severe trauma, abuse, child abuse etc – the use of the F’bomb is really not a big deal. It’s a way of releasing anger/anxiety etc and as long as it’s not used ‘at’ people, and just in relation to emotions about this journey, then it is okay.


Easier to deal with self hatred, shame, guilt, blame.

I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.

I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.

The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.

Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.

Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.

It’s harder than feeling self hatred.

I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.

Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument. Continue reading