Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

A journey to healing from complex trauma.

Easier to deal with self hatred, shame, guilt, blame.

11 Comments

I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.

I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.

The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.

Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.

Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.

It’s harder than feeling self hatred.

I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.

Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument.

But, I really don’t think that what is happening with me, is healing. It is just creating more pain about the deep dark truth, that I am beginning to wish, I did not know.It was easier to hate myself, to think there was something so bad about me, that deserved all this abuse. I am used to that, it’s familiar. And I know there is safety in familiarity.

I wish I did not know the truth, the harsh, dark reality of what human beings are capable of. And how none can be trusted. Denial, ignorance is an easier place to live. Even with the self hatred that comes with it.

The really weird part is, I felt safe feeling shame, believing all the lies, feeling blame etc.

Whereas, all this knowledge, processing, understanding, truth I now know, makes me feel so unsafe, so vulnerable, fearful, scared, isolated. And more trauma/abuse/lies occurring over the last 2 years, more failure by adults, more betrayal, more lies, corruption etc, has added to all this.

It’s probably a control issue. When it was all my fault/shame/blame – I could control that.

Now, I know it’s not, I can’t control it all. And that terrifies me. Makes me feel like a vulnerable, frightened child.

Author: Healing From Complex Trauma & PTSD/CPTSD

I am a survivor of complex and multiple trauma and abuse, who at the age of 40, began my healing journey. I am using my journey to recovery and healing, to help others, to help survivors feel less alone, validated, encouraged and to enable others to understand themselves more. Complex trauma, particularly from severe, prolonged childhood abuse, is profoundly life changing. Complex trauma produces complex adults. The journey to recovery is a painful, often lonely, emotional daily challenge and it is my aim to encourage others in their daily battle. ~ Lilly Hope Lucario

11 thoughts on “Easier to deal with self hatred, shame, guilt, blame.

  1. This is so where I am at! No words of wisdom but my thought is that we do need to work through it. My therapist said that if I deal with the beginning abuse that the other walls of later trauma will begin to crumble. I don’t really believe that…but I’m miserable either way…one miserable I just know better than the other.

    • Yes, I understand what you are feeling. You are right, we do need to work through it, and really it’s not like we can undo what we already know.

      I think we need lots of self compassion and self patience for how hard and long this all is.

      I’m not great at the self compassion yet, it’s hard to change from self hatred, to self compassion. But, I keep trying.

  2. I’m glad I took my antidepressants before I read this, kinda knew I would need to. Just want to practice self care and self love today as a means of healing. Gonna be a life long process, might as well be gentle with myself. I dont want control over others. Trusting that my journey is healing as meant to be. Sometimes I believe its best for me to know every single detail, just to take it easy. I know myself better than any one, including therapist. I know what is best for me. I am unwilling to accept any one elses guilt, abuse, control, manipulation. I know in my heart that I deserve to love and respect myself and my reality. Making an effort to listen to self thoughts and to stop and reframe the negative ones. Today I just gotta rest and take it easy. I am very thankful for everything you write,it really touches my heart.

  3. correction- Sometimes I believe that its best for me to not know every single detail of my life.

  4. I have just come out of a dark and confused few months when I felt like I was in an washing machine. I felt like counselling was making it worse but recently I’ve started feeling masses better. My emotions have levelled out a lot and I’m feeling much more like my old self again. So maybe this is the storm before the calm, if I can say that? ! It’s hard at the time but when things seem toughest you are making most headway with it all. Someone suggested to me that when you think back to difficult times, try to find Jesus in that situation somewhere, because he will be there somewhere. He takes all your hurts and sorrows for you (isaiah 53:4). Don’t listen to the evil lies that tell you you’ll always be stuck in this dark place. Once you feel the emotions, they lose their power over you, and you will be emptied out and so you’ll be better able to feel God’s love xx

  5. Yes, I am also that vulnerable frightened child, and I am 70 years old. But inside, that little girl is trying to find places to hide from the world

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  7. I didn’t realise there were more comments here. I am always so sad to know there are so many others who feel the pain I feel. I don’t want that for anyone.

    I don’t have all the answers to how to deal with all this, which I why I share my struggles in this, so others know they are not alone in this and there is someone who understands.

    Lilly ❤

  8. I think there is less pain and shame in blaming oneself. No drama, no fighting or embarrassment. Easier to silently cope with your baggage than to try to explain, solve or repair. As with any “home”, you can cover and paint the cracks for just so long until the foundation beneath you crumbles. You have helped me understand and accept that I don’t need to stay there. ❤ Thank you.