I’ve lived with shame, blame and guilt inflicted upon me, by others, all my life.
I became very experienced at dealing with that. Just hating myself inside, because I believed all these people, who said I was worthless, deserved nothing but harm.
The sad reality is, I am used to that. I know how to deal with that. 40 years of that, meant I was very familiar with it.
Over the last 2 years I have come to understand so much about how it was not my fault, not my blame, not my shame.
Coming to understand this, how people didn’t love me, made deliberate decisions to harm me, over prolonged periods of time, how sick and dark people are, all the betrayal, has been unbearable to deal with.
It’s harder than feeling self hatred.
I talk a lot about needing to know the full reality of trauma histories, to heal, but now I am starting to doubt whether this is wise. Maybe, it is better to not know. Because the reality of the deep truth, is so painful. Maybe some denial is better, easier, more liveable.
Some would say, yes but you will never heal. And that is usually my argument.
But, I really don’t think that what is happening with me, is healing. It is just creating more pain about the deep dark truth, that I am beginning to wish, I did not know.It was easier to hate myself, to think there was something so bad about me, that deserved all this abuse. I am used to that, it’s familiar. And I know there is safety in familiarity.
I wish I did not know the truth, the harsh, dark reality of what human beings are capable of. And how none can be trusted. Denial, ignorance is an easier place to live. Even with the self hatred that comes with it.
The really weird part is, I felt safe feeling shame, believing all the lies, feeling blame etc.
Whereas, all this knowledge, processing, understanding, truth I now know, makes me feel so unsafe, so vulnerable, fearful, scared, isolated. And more trauma/abuse/lies occurring over the last 2 years, more failure by adults, more betrayal, more lies, corruption etc, has added to all this.
It’s probably a control issue. When it was all my fault/shame/blame – I could control that.
Now, I know it’s not, I can’t control it all. And that terrifies me. Makes me feel like a vulnerable, frightened child.