This always happens, I start to feel and vent anger – anger I have every right to feel…and I can’t maintain it.
Just like happiness, I can’t maintain that either.
Those two emotions are not familiar ones for me and I just don’t know how to hang on to them.
All my life, I’ve never felt happiness. Highs, joy for others, but all the trauma and abuse, has always been there, harming my capacity to feel good for myself. I was never allowed to feel happiness for me. I was trained from a young age, that good things are for other people, not me. I search for highs, because I wanted to feel something good and it had to be real big highs – to compensate for the amount of harm locked away in my mind and soul.
But, never any actual happiness, the kind others talk about.
Anger – that is another one I was trained young I was not allowed to have. If I felt anger – that was bad of me. I just had accept everything happening and not resist, just be compliant and do as expected, not matter how much harm I endured.
Even heard a sermon once – by an abusive minister who was no doubt getting a message across – that if you are angry – you are a child of the devil. Again – to feel anger about abuse, lies, harm, was bad of me – only this time – it makes me evil.
I’ve suppressed and inwardly processed anger, internalised it, into depression all my life. Continue reading