And the anger….becomes depression…as always.

This always happens, I start to feel and vent anger – anger I have every right to feel…and I can’t maintain it.

Just like happiness, I can’t maintain that either.

Those two emotions are not familiar ones for me and I just don’t know how to hang on to them.

All my life, I’ve never felt happiness. Highs, joy for others, but all the trauma and abuse, has always been there, harming my capacity to feel good for myself. I was never allowed to feel happiness for me. I was trained from a young age, that good things are for other people, not me. I search for highs, because I wanted to feel something good and it had to be real big highs – to compensate for the amount of harm locked away in my mind and soul.

But, never any actual happiness, the kind others talk about.

Anger – that is another one I was trained young I was not allowed to have. If I felt anger – that was bad of me. I just had accept everything happening and not resist, just be compliant and do as expected, not matter how much harm I endured.

Even heard a sermon once – by an abusive minister who was no doubt getting a message across – that if you are angry – you are a child of the devil. Again – to feel anger about abuse, lies, harm, was bad of me – only this time – it makes me evil.

I’ve suppressed and inwardly processed anger, internalised it, into depression all my life.

Church people’s ‘faith’ sure can become a big fat idol, for evil.

A lot of church people are just as screwed up as secular society, if not more so.

They hang on to certain views and certain Bible verses and they use that to avoid wisdom, to avoid responsibility, to stay apathetic and basically use it as an idol for all the wrong reasons.

Cardinal Pell – someone I have identified easily as having the dark triad traits – along with his matey Sir Tony Abbott – caught out lying – again http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-08-11/church-report-found-priest-guilty-of-sex-abuse-no-charges-laid/5662984

Now some Christians will just automatically revert to – ‘we must not assume that is correct, we must not listen to gossip’ etc….perfect excuse to not believe that evil is occurring. No thought or empathy for the victims. Perpetrator protecting, at it’s best – only with church people’s crap as the excuse.

And this kind of evil, is not just a Catholic Church issue – I have been shown that very clearly, over the last few years.

Do any of these church people even try to imagine what it is like to be abused and not be believed and treated like shit – abused more? Evidently not. Empathy – not common. Yeah sure there are counsellors willing to listen to the abuse – all re-active stuff after the abuse has occurred, blab on about compassion for abusers and even then victims get doubted, but who is actually trying to stop the abuse?

It sure isn’t people like Cardinal Pell. And he’s been promoted. Oh how that is something that so familiar with me – an abuser – who gets away with it – the victim treated like shit – lies corruption, cover ups – no-one steps up – and the abuser is promoted.

Commonly occurs, it would seem. For the victims, this disgusting evil behaviour, is more abuse. And so few care. Such good ‘Christians’, aren’t they?

Talk about mind controlled, abuse encouraging, victim blaming, victim re-traumatising, evil occurring. But, apparently I am wrong to think this. It’s my ‘issues’ to care about the victims and point out this evil. Yeah sure ‘I’ am the one with the issues…

Maybe everyone else was right after all….

Maybe, I should just minimize all I have been through, because that’s best for others.

Maybe, I shouldn’t place the blame for abuse with abusers, and just accept I deserved it. Law of attraction and all that. I must have intentionally looked for it and attracted it into my life.

Maybe, I should just accept I was ‘asking for it’ because I wore the wrong clothes, or I didn’t say no enough times, or I gave off this vibe that said – yes don’t have great boundaries, so you may come and do as you like to me, even as a child.

Maybe, I enticed all these men to sexually abuse me, because I am a bad, vile, girl. It wasn’t their fault really, it was mine.

Maybe, I should believe that God sent Satan to pick on me deliberately, because He needed me to suffer to teach me something. And He doesn’t love me enough to let me have a nice life – so He decided I need to suffer.

Maybe, I am not healed of my PTSD, because I am bad, God is angry with me and He only heals those who He prefers.

Maybe, I haven’t met God’s ego – that others believe he must have, because they say I haven’t prayed enough or forgiven enough, to meet His high standards, so I will suffer until I ever do.

Maybe, I do have evil demons in me – and not PTSD, and I am influenced by dark forces within and I need an exorcism.

Maybe, in fact karma really does exist and I was a witch in a previous life and now I am getting all I deserve and people should not interfere – they are stopping me getting rid of my bad karma – by the suffering I need to do.

Maybe, I should just stop thinking of people who harmed me as abusers, narcs etc – which I am apparently ‘bad’ for doing and just think of them as lovely human beings who just need compassion and love.

I need to be more concerned about ‘me’ and my needs.

I feel guilty sometimes, saying people have let me down, hurt me, betrayed me.

This is ongoing issue in my life to be more concerned with what others need/think, than about myself.

I have dealt with a massive amount of betrayal, abuse, denial about it, lies, projection, scapegoating and abuse from many people, all significant people in my life.

I have dealt with more of this over the last 2 years, again from many people. Now, they will all have their reasons, their excuses, whatever, some I understand, some are just BS.

But, the fact remains, that it still had a massive effect on me, and I am not willing to minimize that anymore – for the comfort and convenience of others and how ‘they’ feel.

Sure, people would love me to do that – they are ‘all about themselves’. Well that’s their problem.

I have to be concerned about me, my healing and the effects on my health – that all these people caused with their failures, their non belief, their minimizing what I went through, their failure to listen to me, their judgments etc.

And am I a priority in any of these people’s lives – no. Quite frankly they don’t give a shit.

But ‘I’ am a priority in ‘my’ life.

Or I need to be.

List of possible Complex PTSD symptoms.

This list is pretty overwhelming for me, as I identify with many.

I don’t actually believe some are a negative symptom, so I don’t wish to promote this list as all being ‘issues’.

I also do not associate with revenge issues, I never have had, so again – this list is not in any way what all complex trauma survivors will feel and survivors will identify with some, but not others – we are not all the same and I don’t believe we all fit into a box, where all symptoms are ticked off. I know for me – I have symptoms across a range of disorders, and for me – that is more what Complex PTSD is.

As far as I am aware, this list has not been written by an expert in complex PTSD/Trauma, but, as far as I can see, the list is pretty good.

-Fatigue with symptoms of or similar to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (formerly ME)
-An anger of injustice stimulated to an excessive degree (sometimes but improperly attracting the words “manic” instead of motivated, “obsessive” instead of focused, and “angry” instead of “passionate”, especially from those with something to fear)
-An overwhelming desire for acknowledgement, understanding, recognition and validation of their experience
-A simultaneous and paradoxical unwillingness to talk about the abuse
-A lack of desire for revenge, but a strong motivation for justice
-A tendency to oscillate between conciliation (forgiveness) and anger (revenge) with objectivity being the main casualty
-Extreme fragility, where formerly the person was of a strong, stable character
-Numbness, both physical (toes, fingertips, and lips) and emotional (inability to feel love and joy)
-Clumsiness
-Forgetfulness