I feel guilty sometimes, saying people have let me down, hurt me, betrayed me.
This is ongoing issue in my life to be more concerned with what others need/think, than about myself.
I have dealt with a massive amount of betrayal, abuse, denial about it, lies, projection, scapegoating and abuse from many people, all significant people in my life.
I have dealt with more of this over the last 2 years, again from many people. Now, they will all have their reasons, their excuses, whatever, some I understand, some are just BS.
But, the fact remains, that it still had a massive effect on me, and I am not willing to minimize that anymore – for the comfort and convenience of others and how ‘they’ feel.
Sure, people would love me to do that – they are ‘all about themselves’. Well that’s their problem.
I have to be concerned about me, my healing and the effects on my health – that all these people caused with their failures, their non belief, their minimizing what I went through, their failure to listen to me, their judgments etc.
And am I a priority in any of these people’s lives – no. Quite frankly they don’t give a shit.
But ‘I’ am a priority in ‘my’ life.
Or I need to be.
I have every right to be annoyed, angry, feel let down, feel hurt, and all those things others would say I have no right to feel.
I have a right to say, you all consider yourselves Christians, and I believe you all failed. Failed others, and you all failed me – when I needed and was reaching out for help, following being subjected to abuse, lies and much harm.
And I have every right to say this, vent it, and deal with my needed emotions. Because all this has impacted me massively. I am now isolated, withdrawn and it has affected my healing journey massively.
I don’t have to be okay with that and just think of the needs/emotions of others.
People can say this is really about my past all they like – sure that makes them feel comfortable and not have to consider what they have done to someone else, it allows them not to take responsibility.
My past will always be the perfect excuse/scapegoat/excuse.
And, I don’t really care anymore as to what they want to believe – that just shows who they are – their hearts and souls, their lack, their weaknesses. If they want to all minimize their own shit, that’s their problem.
I need to concentrate on me.
What I need.
I need my life not to be about worrying about the needs and failures of people who have harmed me, I’ve done that my entire life. And why? None of them give a crap about what they have done do me.
Time to start looking out for me.