Maybe, I should just minimize all I have been through, because that’s best for others.
Maybe, I shouldn’t place the blame for abuse with abusers, and just accept I deserved it. Law of attraction and all that. I must have intentionally looked for it and attracted it into my life.
Maybe, I should just accept I was ‘asking for it’ because I wore the wrong clothes, or I didn’t say no enough times, or I gave off this vibe that said – yes don’t have great boundaries, so you may come and do as you like to me, even as a child.
Maybe, I enticed all these men to sexually abuse me, because I am a bad, vile, girl. It wasn’t their fault really, it was mine.
Maybe, I should believe that God sent Satan to pick on me deliberately, because He needed me to suffer to teach me something. And He doesn’t love me enough to let me have a nice life – so He decided I need to suffer.
Maybe, I am not healed of my PTSD, because I am bad, God is angry with me and He only heals those who He prefers.
Maybe, I haven’t met God’s ego – that others believe he must have, because they say I haven’t prayed enough or forgiven enough, to meet His high standards, so I will suffer until I ever do.
Maybe, I do have evil demons in me – and not PTSD, and I am influenced by dark forces within and I need an exorcism.
Maybe, in fact karma really does exist and I was a witch in a previous life and now I am getting all I deserve and people should not interfere – they are stopping me getting rid of my bad karma – by the suffering I need to do.
Maybe, I should just stop thinking of people who harmed me as abusers, narcs etc – which I am apparently ‘bad’ for doing and just think of them as lovely human beings who just need compassion and love.
Maybe, I should think about what they may have endured – which obviously is the excuse, the reason, the justification for all they did to me and stop being so damned egocentric about my feelings. The poor darlings were only hurting me, because they are hurt and their hurt is what I need to focus on. Not me. Shame on me.
Maybe, I should not be so selfish in putting my hand up and saying someone abused me – because I need to think of how the ‘abuser’ (oops I’ve been bad again) feels, and not hurt their feelings.
Maybe, I should feel so damned ashamed of myself for thinking anything negative about these people who harmed me and just focus on how much I need to love them.
Maybe, I need to remember the pain ‘they’ were in when they were raping me, or abusing me, or beating me, or lying about me etc. The pain that made them enjoy it and laugh and delight in it and keep doing it to me over and over.
Maybe, I should just accept that I am a bad person after all – because no-one has ever cared enough or considered me worthy of believing or taking seriously, so maybe I am just bad and crazy after all.
Maybe, every single thing I was told by every ‘person’ (I did better then – I didn’t say abuser) that hurt me – was right.
Maybe, all of what I have processed over the last few years as being their lies, their abuse – wasn’t – and maybe I should listen to what they say again and accept it. They wouldn’t lie, how dare I suggest they would.
Maybe, I should just listen to all these views other people have of my life and just believe them all.
Maybe, I am just here for other people to abuse in every way, walk all over and tell me how wrong my views and opinions are – because I am just one fucked up, crazy, vile, bad, evil bitch.
Maybe, I need to hang my head in complete shame and utter despair at what a terrible human being I am.
(Yes I am being highly sarcastic in this – but I just want to reflect the absurdity of it all and how painful this is to have heard all this.)